Halfway ‘Round the Sun…

Six months ago today, I finally saw that second line I’d been chasing for three years.

Six months ago today, I was scared and excited and had no idea how hard and far I could possibly fall.

I fell, though.

Into love.

Into hopefulness.

Into joy.

And then, nine weeks later, I fell into a hellish reality that included a life without my Gummy Bear.

A life of grief.

I fell again.

Into sadness.

Into hopelessness.

Into despair.

I’ve picked myself up since then, dusted myself off a bit and attempted to move on, but every day is still a struggle to remember, and a struggle to forget.

Six months ago I found my world, but it would be lost.

Six months ago I was a different person than I am today.

Where will I be in another six months?

Who will I be?

There’s no way to know for sure.

All I can do is crawl from one day to the next, trying to make my way to the other side of the sun.

Stars :: Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

I lit a fire with the love you left behind
And it burned wild and crept up the mountain side
I followed your ashes into outer space
I can’t look out the window, I can’t look at this place.

I can’t look at the stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars, up on heaven’s boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you’ve gone too far

So I, I can’t look at the stars.
All those times we looked up at the sky
Looking out so far, it felt like we could fly.

And now I’m all alone in the dark of night
And the moon is shining, but I can’t see the light.

And I can’t look at the stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars, up on heaven’s boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you’ve gone too far
So I, I can’t look at the stars.

Stars, they make me wonder where you are
Stars, up on heaven’s boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you’ve gone too far
So I can’t look at the stars.


Soundtrack Sunday :: Somewhere Over The Rainbow

People all over have been seeing rainbows the past few days.

I haven’t, despite the rainy and sunny cool fall weather.

I know I’ll get my rainbow someday…

It’s just the days between then and now that are going to hurt.



Soundtrack… Sunday? :: There Can Be Miracles

Anyone remember the Disney movie, Prince of Egypt?  I think it came out when I was seventeen or so… I have always loved animation, and having been raised in the church, it was nice to see a mainstream animated film cover history and religion.

It helped that the movie had a killer soundtrack.

I was flipping channels this morning (I haven’t been able to sleep in at ALL lately…), and came across this movie.  I figured I’d just let it play in the background while I did some housework.

Then this song came on.  I had forgotten all about this beautiful Mariah/Whitney mash-up until I heard it again…

I lost it.  Dissolved.

I know that this was playing just for me.

I needed this today…

I needed a miracle.

When You Believe :: Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston

Many nights we’ve prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts, a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there’s much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could

There can be miracles when you believe
Though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

Oh yeah, in this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I’m standing here
My heart so full I can’t explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I’d say

They don’t always happen when you ask
And it’s easy to give in to your fears
But when you’re blinded by your pain
Can’t see the way, get through the rain
A small but still, resilient voice
Says hope is very near

You will when you
You will when you believe
Just believe
I believe, I believe
Just believe
You will when you believe


Soundtrack Saturday :: Only Hope

It’s been a while since I’ve posted one of these… but today seems like a good day to bring it back.

This is the song I walked down the aisle to at my wedding.  I’m not usually the cheesy chick-flick type, and theatrical ballads aren’t typically my thing.  And yet, something about this song is so beautiful and powerful.  It was the perfect choice for the soundtrack of my wedding – my life changing was from that of just a girl to that of somebody’s wife, best friend, life co-conspirator.

It seems so completely appropriate today.

I’m no longer just a girl, or a wife.

I’m going to be somebody’s mother. 

How beautiful is that?

Only Hope :: Switchfoot (vocals by Mandy Moore)

There’s a song that’s inside of my soul
It’s the one that I’ve tried to write over and over again
I’m awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you’re my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you’re my only hope

I give You my destiny
I’m giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I’m giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you’re my only hope


Soundtrack Saturday :: When September Ends

Okay.  I’m up.  The September cycle is officially over.

Let’s get this October baby-making-show on the road.



Soundtrack Saturday :: Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Happy day-after-trigger day!

I found this song amusingly appropriate.  Although, I’m fairly certain fertility medication is not what Pat Benetar had in mind when she performed this little gem…

Enjoy your weekend, folks, and I hope your day finds you blissfully needle-free.


A Song For My Baby

As I leave for my CD13 ultrasound to see how my follicles are responding to the Femara, I wanted to share a song I heard this morning.

Well, really two songs, both of which I have heard before and both of which I have loved for some time… But this lovely group smooshed them together and made my little heart melt.

This is the kind of thing I can imagine myself humming to my baby someday, shushing him or her to sleep, or just bopping around the house trying to get a little baby giggle out of my wee one.

Maybe it’s good luck that I heard this today.  Maybe it’s just that little bit of hope I needed.

Either way, I’m off.  Wish me luck and fat follies!


Soundtrack Saturday :: Bleeding Love

Yeah.  I know it’s obvious, but this is the kind of day I’m having.

The bleeding kind.

Once again… Ugh.


One Line.

June 30th, 2011.  CD29, 16DPO.

So, it was another BFN this morning.  Not that I’m surprised or anything, but my temp had made quite a jump, and so of course I had to have the following conversation with myself on the way to the bathroom to POAS:

Don’t get your hopes up, Tracy.  Just because your temp rose this late in your cycle doesn’t necessarily mean you’re pregnant.  It’s probably just a fluke.  We can always blame it on the husband leaving the window open.  Just don’t set yourself up for disappointment… again.

And wouldn’t you know it?  My subconscious was right, as usual.  That one bright blue line stared at me from the bathroom counter, mocking me, daring me to pee on something else for a similar result.

I did not take the dare.  I’m realistic.  I know when to throw in the towel, and for today, this is enough.

Oh, one more thing.  I’ve had this song stuck in my head since I woke up, and I feel like it’s appropriate.  Enjoy.


Soundtrack Saturday :: Old Time Rock n’ Roll

Father’s Day is tomorrow, and for some reason, this song always makes me think of my dad.  It’s fun and lighthearted, but it has a message, just like my old man.

Maybe it’s just the time frame during which this song was popular that makes me remember sitting on my dad’s lap watching the Tigers play (and in those days, they played well!).  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Bob Seger is a Michigan institution.  Maybe it’s just one of those subconscious connections that I’ll never fully understand, but makes me happy nonetheless.

I only wish that I could celebrate my husband this Father’s Day; with some doing however, I have a good feeling that next year will be a much bigger cause for celebration for our little family.

Wherever you are, however you celebrate, and whatever your relationship with your own father or kids, I hope you have a splendid Father’s Day weekend.

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Summertime Sadness

A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.