Tag: ttc in your 30s
Status

You Suck.

Thursday, December 13th, 2012.  CD17, 5DPO.

I’m already losing faith in this cycle.

Testing out the trigger?

No.  Took the month off from that at the suggestion of my TTCBFF.  I miss it, and not feeling like I have control SUCKS.

My temps?

Low.  Like pre-ovulation-low.  Suck.

My symptoms?

Nonexistent, and therefore, suck.

SUCK SUCK SUCK!

So anyway, now that that’s out of the way…

How about some updates?

I don’t have much.  Like previously stated, this Two Week Wait has been pretty uneventful thus far.

My temps have been wonky and low, my boobs don’t hurt, and I don’t feel twingy like I did during my pregnancy/miscarriage cycle’s TWW.

The only thing that seems promising is that I’m freaking exhausted and I’m an eating machine.  I realize both of those are probably entirely due to the increase in progesterone I likely have due to ovulating two mature eggies this cycle, but still… that’s all I have to hold onto.

I’m hoping that this weekend will bring some higher temps and giant, painful chesticles to renew my hope, but we shall see.

For now though, I’m just trying to enjoy this bustling, chilly time of year.  The house is getting somewhere near order, I have Christmas shopping to finish this weekend, and my family is coming to Ohio to visit next weekend.

I’m thankful for our many blessings, and the blessed distractions that will (hopefully) keep me from obsessing about my every twinge and temp drop.

Happy holidays, everyone!  🙂

 

Status

Fair Warning…

Monday, December 10th, 2012.  CD14, 2DPO…?

While I am feeling pretty iffy about our timing this cycle, and feeling pretty detached from the whole process in general, I am planning to still institute my “radio silence” campaign toward the end of next week.

I haven’t talked much with the husband about what we plan to do if this turns into a BFP cycle.

Will we tell everyone right away?

Will we wait till we see a beating heart?

Will we wait for the twelve-week “safe zone” to arrive?

I just don’t know.

We are still a little traumatized after our miscarriage, but one thing that helped immensely was the fact that everyone knew.

There were very few times that I had to tell anyone that I had miscarried, because we were very public with the news.  I feel like if it’s in the cards for us again this cycle, then maybe we should just come out with it immediately.

At least if everyone knew what was going on, we would have that support built in again…

Then again, my instinct is to play it close to the vest.  Not because I am ashamed of having miscarried, or because I want to keep secrets (because we all know that’s not my style!), but just because it seems easier to grieve in private… and yet, we value the support of everyone we know.

*sigh*

A conundrum, to be sure.

If I were a betting broad, I would say that the scales tip in the favor of being entirely public about the whole thing, whatever the outcome – BFN or BFP.

Plus, it’s difficult to keep secrets when you scrawl your woes all over the interwebs.  😉

And I don’t know what I’d do without all of you… I have never been a great secret-keeper, and I’m just not a very private person.  I like to share.

I may over-share from time to time.

Or all of the time.

But I like to feel that I am maybe helping one person to feel not so isolated in their feelings, or their journey.  This all sucks royally (by the way, am I the only one who feels like Princess Kate is a backstabbing hooker for getting pregnant before me??), and at least by sharing with all of you, I feel better.

Maybe you feel worse for reading it… but you have a choice to stop.  I have no choice but to go on, every day, whining about my barrenness.  You can just quit reading if you want…

But I bet you won’t.  I think you secretly like reading about my dusty uterus and adventures with prescription drugs and dildo-cams.

Thanks for sticking around you bunch of pervs.  🙂

I wouldn’t have it any other way!

 

Also, while searching for a funny picture of Princess Kate, I found this.

Perfect.

 

 

Status

Uncoordinated

Sunday, December 9th, 2012.  CD13, 1DPO…?

This cycle feels like it’s been a little bit of a fiasco already.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to get the exciting news of the TWO great-looking follies on Friday!

It just seems like my head hasn’t really been in the game…

Maybe I’m just experiencing what others call “relaxation”…?

HAHAHAHA.

No, seriously.  That’s not it… like, at ALL.

I’ve just been busy.  And preoccupied.  And wrapped up in so many other things.

Part of me wonders if I might be trying to protect myself from getting too attached to this cycle, especially as it’s our first official cycle of really trying, with meds and everything, after our miscarriage in September.

I just hope that whatever is going on with me isn’t some kind of self-sabotage.

Honestly, I’m scared.

I’m scared to death that this cycle is going well.

I’m terrified that it could work.

I’m horrified that I could possibly end up pregnant.

And it’s that point where the nightmare version of the story takes over… As if it wasn’t frightening enough possibly getting pregnant, the thought of possibly losing another baby is the worst thing imaginable.

I’m so used to hearing “No”, seeing “negative”, and getting “I’m sorry…” that I really don’t know what to do when things go well.

I want to be happy, celebrate, but I can never shake that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So far, it always has dropped.

I guess I just need to pray for flying shoes…

Anyway, I triggered yesterday morning and the husband and I had all of Friday night and Saturday together.  Technically, we should errrm… spend some time together today as well, but he is resting up for work, and I am heading out shortly to our nephews’ co-birthday party.  By the time I get home, he will be walking out the door, so I’m not sure if it’s going to happen or not.

In my theme of continuing the uncoordinated-ness of this cycle, I’ve sucked at temping.  I’ve been sleeping crazy hours and waking up at odd times.  It’s taking me some time to get used to being in the new house, and none of our things are placed exactly where they need to be yet.

I don’t have a nightstand.  My thermometer is always floating around the room somewhere (and yes, I even stuck it under the mattress a few nights).  I haven’t been the world’s best basal body temp-er, which is another reason why I feel so blah about this cycle.

Last cycle, the one where I got that spectacular BFP, I temped like it was my JOB.

I got that beautiful triphasic chart, and I was all over the FertilityFriend message boards analyzing every single thing.  Got a BFP.  Perfect.

Then we miscarried, and now I’m having trouble getting back into the swing of things.  I suck at temping.  I’ve stayed away from the message boards altogether, I’ve been slacking on my prenatal vitamins… I don’t even know if I’m going to test out the trigger.

Ugh.

Get it together, woman!

I’m trying.

I’m trying.

I’ll get there…

Maybe the off cycle is the one that sticks… who knows?

Either way, I feel like this Christmas is going to be a memorable one, as my test date is just a couple days beforehand.

I really don’t want to close out the year the same way as 2011.  And 2010.  And 2009…

Oh lord.

I just realized something great…

My test date is the Mayan Apocalypse.

 

HAHAHAHA… That’s just perfect.

Uncoordinated though it may be, I do love this quirky little life.  😉

Status

Thirty-Two

In the past year, I have grown so much.

I’ve learned more about myself than I ever expected, both in good ways, and in bad.

Thirty-one has brought me from grasping at straws with my doctors to a new place where I feel confident in my care and treatment.

Thirty-one brought me my first confirmed pregnancy.

Thirty-one also took that pregnancy from me, and taught me what it truly means to lose.

While I am blessed to have so much support and to have had the chance to really explore my feelings over the past year, I am not sad to see it go.

I love that my birthday is in December.  It’s right near Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the end of the year…

My birthday is, in so many ways, an ending and a beginning.  A chance to start fresh.

I just get a little more of a head start than the rest of you who have to wait until New Year’s.  😉

Thirty-one is done.

Thirty-two is now.

This is my year.  I know not to put undue expectations onto life after so much time and grief has passed, but I just have this feeling.

I feel like 2013 is going to be the best year of my life, and I will be thirty-two for most of it.

And so, bring it on, Thirty-Two.

I’m ready.  🙂

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