Tag: thanksgiving


Wednesday, November 26th, 2014.  35w 6d.

I know… I have owed everyone an update for nearly two weeks now, especially after my last cliffhanger of a post.  In my defense, I did actually write one, and while I was wrapping up the last of it, my browser crashed and I lost the whole thing.  And then I was mad, and I was tired, and just felt so defeated by technology that I didn’t come back to it till now.

Anyway, here I am, with updates galore!

When I last posted, the doctors were worried that baby girl was becoming anemic, due to the rapid pulse in her brain.  I was scheduled for a follow-up scan and instructed to report any noticeably decreased movement.  The anemia could be very dangerous and would warrant a quick delivery to ensure our girl didn’t suffer any decline in health.

At the follow-up, the doctor said that she didn’t see anything concerning like she had the week before.

*audible sigh of relief*

She also said that she was very pleased with everything she saw, and that she felt comfortable keeping me pregnant, at least for a couple more weeks.


So… wait.  What does a couple more weeks mean, exactly?

Turns out she wants us to deliver around 37 weeks, and no later than 38 weeks.  Baby will be in better hands on the outside as far as treatment and testing, and once we are past the pre-term stage, her odds of being a healthy kid greatly increase.

The plan is this:  we will check into the hospital late next week, arriving in the evening to start the induction process.  We’ll start with a cervix-softening medication overnight, which can take some time to work, and then once that has made the progress they like to see, they’ll give me medication to help induce contractions and labor.

It can, and likely will be, a long and drawn out process.  We are hoping for a baby by December 7th, but I’m not placing any bets.  Our girl seems to do everything at her own pace, and she likes to keep us guessing… I don’t see that changing any time soon.  😉

Since that appointment, I’ve had another NST at my OB’s office in Toledo, which looked great.  I also had a second follow-up at UofM yesterday, which was part NST and part ultrasound, both of which also looked beautiful.

While we still don’t know if or how the infection will impact Jelly Bean, we do know that she’s active and growing and looking great on all of the testing we have in place so far.  What will be once she’s born remains yet to be seen.

What I can say with certainty is that this year has been one of extreme joy and, at times, extreme fear for the husband and I, and while things have not always been sunshine and roses, we are extremely thankful for what we have:  an amazingly supportive family and group of friends all over the world – including all of YOU, access to medical care and facilities that support and treat us like the most important patients they have, and finally, our little growing family and our miracle baby.

And so even in the face of some uncertainty, we are so, so thankful.

May this Thanksgiving holiday be a time of appreciation for the things you have, in spite of the curveballs life may be throwing your way.

And may there be pie.  Always, always pie.




Giving Thanks

Ohhh… the holidays.

The end of each year is rife with days where it is expected that you reflect on the year past and how life has treated you.  Days where you count your blessings, and put your hopes for the coming year out on the table for all to see.

The holidays can be difficult for Infertiles and miscarriage survivors.

Not only were our hopes for the past year – or years, in most cases – never realized, but sometimes they were turned into nightmares from which we have not been able to awaken.  The loss of a child, no matter how early or late in the pregnancy, or even after said child has entered the world safely, is not something upon which anyone wants to reflect, and certainly not something for which we should be expected to give thanks.

However, I fully believe that despite how hearing it ad nauseam from people in my life makes me want to throat-punch someone – Everything happens for a reason.

I believe in a higher power.  I believe God is directing this shit-show from above, and in my life and the life of my child, he saw something that caused him to take my child early.  I may never know what that reason was while on this earthly plane, but that’s what faith is, right?  Blind belief in something you cannot see.

I believe that my miscarriage happened for a reason.  Perhaps it was to make me into a stronger person.


Perhaps it was to make my marriage into an impenetrable force which cannot be rent asunder.


Perhaps it was to make me realize that life is not always fair, and some of us have to work harder than others for things to which we think we are entitled.


Perhaps it was to instill in me the patience of Job.


Perhaps it was to make me write this post, listing reasons my life does not suck and things for which I am thankful…


Life, God, has been good to me.  I have more than many people will ever have.  I know I have things that others wish and dream for, like a very solid marriage where my husband is truly my best friend and biggest supporter, and a relationship with both our families where I know that we could go to them with anything, and they’d be ready to help in a moment’s notice.

We have good, stable jobs.  I love my job.  I have coworkers who are true friends.  I have some friends who have become coworkers.  My place of employment and its cast of characters is quickly becoming another family.

We have a roof over our heads… Two, actually!  We are in the process of moving from our apartment into a beautiful house!  This transition could never have happened if not for some serious help from family.  We are very grateful and count ourselves truly blessed to have this opportunity.

There are so many things to be thankful for, and yet we still want.  We want to fill that new home with children.  Two maybe?  Okay, even just one would be amazing.

We want our families, friends, and die-hard supporters to stick with us as we start treatments again… probably as soon as next week!

We want Christmas to bring celebration, not sadness.

We want 2013 to be the year we become parents who get to parent, and not just parents who get to grieve.

For all that we have, for all that we have been given, allowed, blessed with, we still want.  It’s the nature of the beast, I suppose, but want isn’t just selfish hoarding of material things.  Want also creates motivation and hope.

We desire these things, and therefore we are motivated to work for them.  We have hope and faith that we will be blessed in the future, just as we have been in the past.

For all of the blessings, the joy, the sorrow, the grief, the hope, and the faith, we are thankful.

I am thankful for my life, sadness, loss and all, and I am thankful for you.  Without support, without kind words and kicks in the rear from the readers here, I would never have been able to make it this far in my nearly four-year journey to have a child.

To my readers, my friends:
May your holiday be filled with warmth and kindness and carbs and pie, and may your families just embrace you with love and not tell you to “just stop trying so hard”. 
May you find yourself truly thankful for all that you have in life, and may whatever heavy disappointment and grief from the past year be lightened enough this day that you are able to enjoy yourself.
May whatever diet to which you’ve been subjecting yourself be put on the back burner, next to the gravy.  May you lose track of your caloric intake as well as your wine consumption.
And finally, to those of you who are still trying to conceive this holiday season, may your turkey be basted to fruition.
Happy Thanksgiving, my dear friends.


Shit, Meet Fan: A Study on Giving Thanks When You’d Rather Just Swear Profusely.

November 21st, 2011.  CD26, 11DPO.

The stray neighborhood cats can somehow hear the echo of my empty uterus.  They appear on our porch day and night.  Big ones, small ones, teensy little kittens… They can all sense that I’m just about one more failed TTC cycle away from becoming the Queen of the Cat Ladies.  I hope TLC does a Hoarders episode about me so I can go batshit crazy on television and finally live out a lifelong dream.

Seriously though… Having all of these cute, furry (and sometimes mean) outdoor pets is at least giving me a bit of a distraction from what is probably not happening in my babymaker right now.  So even if I do get rabies, at least there’s that.

Tomorrow is yet another beta.  I feel like this is all I’ve done for Y E A R S.  Sometimes I don’t even know how I managed to get us moved to a new city, or find a new job, or become somewhat adept at said job with all of this going on.  Sometimes I don’t even remember what it’s like to not have to take pills, and give myself shots, and pee on things, and have bloodwork every month.

I’m tired.

That’s precisely the reason the next cycle is going to be a “no-meds cycle”.  I say “no-meds cycle” because I can’t say “relaxation cycle”… I’m just trying to be honest here, people.

Regardless of the results of tomorrow’s blood test, I’ll be spending the next month drug free and attempting to live a normal life.  We’ll see how that goes…

Speaking of tomorrow’s results, I am not optimistic.  This cycle was a Femara cycle, but nothing else.  I have all but given up hope that pills will make me magically conceive, and earlier today, for a span of about ten minutes, I was spotting.  Just a little bit of brownish discoloration, really, but I’m feeling less and less hopeful as the day goes on.

I mean, this is 11DPO… It couldn’t be implantation spotting, right?  I don’t typically spot before Aunt Flo arrives, and the Prometrium has been lengthening my luteal phase, so it seems earlier for her arrival anyway, but I suppose I’ve forced so many hormones onto my system in the past six months that my body could just be screaming for a break.

Enough of the pity party!  The past week has been eventful and inspirational and has made me count my blessings more than once.

  • Hitting a crater-sized pothole in the pouring rain and blowing out not one, but TWO tires = thankful that the husband knows how to change a tire.  And is willing to do so in the rain.  And has not divorced me for significantly lowering the value of our vehicles on a regular basis.

Oh, didn't I mention that I'm married to George Clooney?

  • Getting a call from someone close to us letting us know some special news that could potentially make me spiral into a pint-of-ice-cream-an-hour depression = realizing what a blessing this truly is.
  • Finding out my hours at work are being temporarily scaled back because of the slower holiday recruitment business = finding more time at home to cook.  And blog.  (I know  you missed me.  Don’t try to pretend you didn’t.)
  • Realizing that my 31st (UUUUUGH!!!) birthday is literally right around the corner = remembering that Red Robin is going to send me a coupon for a free burger soon.  And that the Gingerbread Milkshakes are officially back in season.  (If you’ve never had one, drop whatever you’re doing and GO!  You’ll thank me later.)
  • Spending time at a benefit for a couple of  young friends of ours who recently lost their infant daughter = realization that loss is devastating, but having people who care about you is an amazing healing power.
  • Feeling sorry for my infertile self = receiving a pile of fertility books from a good friend who recently had a  hysterectomy to avoid her endometrial cancer spreading = mad perspective, yo.
  • Feeling helpless at the thought of multiple chiropractic adjustments per week to make up for the problems I didn’t know I had = coming home to find this gift from my dear Ultrasound Tech friend in my mailbox:

( “she wanted the rainbow so she put up with the rain”)

This entire week seems to have been tailor-made to make me eat my words and appreciate what I have in life.  And I do.  Truly.  More than I could ever express…

In closing, I just want to say one more word on being appreciative:  I am thankful that I am due for a visit from Aunt Flo on the biggest eat-your-feelings-and-pie day of the year.

Always be sure to count your blessings, but just this once, take Thursday off from counting calories.

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A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.