Wednesday, September 12th, 2012. 7weeks, 5days.
I felt great yesterday. It was a beautiful, fall-like day in Southeastern Michigan/Northwestern Ohio, and things at work felt like they were really coming together. The team is almost fully back to normal after a few important people had been missing due to extended illnesses and injuries, and after starting the day with a new trainee and lunch out with coworkers, I felt ready to really dig in and have a productive afternoon.
About 2pm, I ran to the bathroom and found that I was spotting. Not bleeding exactly, and not even full-on pink spotting, but more of a brownish-pink, very creamy cervical mucus. Almost like what you might see during the TWW, except with the alarming color.
I panicked.
Since there was quiet a lot of… umm… wetness, and because I was wearing khakis and not at all prepared for any kind of bleeding to start while I was at work, I went home early. I got to the house, put on the stretchiest pants I own, and curled up with a blanket on the couch, feeling awful and waiting for the cramping and heavy bleeding to start.
Waiting to miscarry.
I waited all night… and finally went to bed with the husband, fully expecting to be awakened by painful cramping.
But it never happened.
I woke up with my alarm this morning well-rested and feeling… serene. Happy, even.
No cramping. No more spotting.
Nothing.
Soo… that was weird.
Was this a forewarning of the beginning of the end? Will I look back at this later and realize that it was a sign that my miscarriage was beginning, or will this just be the one scary time I overreacted to some very mild spotting?
I have no idea at this point.
I stayed home from work this morning and am now waiting for a call back from Dr. K to see if he is going to send me for blood work and/or have me come in earlier than Tuesday for my next ultrasound.
I’m thinking that I should just go to work.
I can’t go home and hide every time I get scared. That’s just not me.
I really need to keep living my life like nothing tragic is looming in the shadows, because if I do lose this baby, I am going to need to throw myself back into that life in a major way in order to recover.
And if I don’t lose this baby, which I pray every day is the case, I will have plenty of time off from real life about seven months from now…
Either way, life must go on.
And so must I.
:: UPDATE ::
The doc called back and told me that he is not at all concerned by brown spotting, and that it was probably the old blood he saw in my uterus during Monday’s scan. He said that it’s a perfectly normal thing for any pregnancy, and that I should definitely let him know if I start cramping or have bright red blood.
He also talked to me about blood work, and gave me a choice. He said that with most pregnancies, the HCG levels in your body level off or sometimes even drop from day to day after a certain point. Getting my levels taken today may cause more upset than relief if they do not appear to be rising, and he said that if I want to get them taken, he will gladly call in the requisition.
I decided to pass on the blood draw this time. He’s right. Getting my blood drawn won’t change anything. If my levels are rising, I may feel good about it, and yet I may still miscarry. If my levels are falling or rising very slowly, I may be devastated, and yet my pregnancy may still be successful.
I’m at peace with all of this. What will be, will be.
One day at a time. That’s how time passes, and there is no use speculating.
Time to rejoin my life, already in progress.
Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen... 