Tag: humor
Aside

Things That Make You Go “Hmmm…”

I’m tired of being obsessed with having a baby.

I mean, it’s not like it’s gonna stop or anything, I’m just saying that it’s exhausting.

Today, to get out of my head a little, I started following a couple of new blogs.  One is about a family, one is about a young couple, and the other is about the one kind of person who is pretty much in the exact opposite point in life that I currently am:

A single male, looking for love.

Shock!  Horror!!

No really.  The guy’s funny.  And we’ve met, which is cool.  He was at the bonfire where I said “cervical mucus”, and to my knowledge, he didn’t judge me.

Well, probably not too much.

Okay, maybe he did, but thus far he has not blogged about the crazy drunk girl who couldn’t stop talking about bodily fluids.

Either way, sometimes it’s nice to realize that there are other situations in life that are hard.  It’s tough trying to get knocked up, but it’s also tough navigating your way through dating sites and singles bars when you have standards.

It’s all about perspective, people.  I’m trying to have some.

Oh, and then another funny thing happened… Someone found their way to my blog by Googling the phrase “Mexican tacos that look like vaginas.”

*Sniff*

I’m so proud.

Status

Unexpected

June 17th, 2011.  CD16, 3DPO…?

So yesterday at this time, I was settling in to the thought that I had about a week’s wait before ovulation.

Today, apparently, I am firmly in the Two Week Wait.

Crazy, right?  I know!

I went to my chart on Fertility Friend and checked out when I had my temp rise, which lined up exactly with the time frame the ultrasound tech told me she thought I had ovulated–two to three days ago.  So, I did what any obsessive TTC-er would do; I manually overrode the system and placed my ovulation date.

I feel like such a cheater!  And a slouch!  Not only did I not know I ovulated, even if I had been using OPK’s to test, I probably wouldn’t have started using them until after the day I actually ovulated anyway!  And forget about Sexy Timing!  We probably would have started yesterday, had I not received the unexpected news about my premature ovulation. Thankfully, there was one little “encounter” a few days ago that made it onto the chart before the egg-drop, or I would have to chalk this month up to a total waste before it even got off the ground.

What is my body trying to do to me??

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Status

Long Time No Blog!

May 21st, 2011.  CD22.

Hiya folks!  It’s been a while, no?

I apologize for the lack of updates and snark, but I really haven’t had much to update, and my snark has been in the toilet lately.  I’m in a funk, and I really need a good slap in the face to break out of said funk.  I’m hoping that spending hours on the road and a few days in Knoxville, TN, will help with that!

The husband and I are gearing up for his brother’s wedding in just over a week.  We will be leaving a few days early, road-tripping it at our leisure, and staying in a nice hotel while we’re there.  I also have a couple of fancy dresses and shoes that promise to cripple my soon-to-be perfectly pedicured toes, so there’s also that to look forward to.

If spending copious amounts of money and getting all fancied up in my I’m-married-to-the-Best-Man finery doesn’t break me out of the funk and help me get my snark back, then I don’t know what will!

As for the whole baby-making thing, the story is very much the same as last month.  Today is CD22 and ovulation is (hopefully) just around the corner.  I haven’t been using OPK’s this month, and none of my other signs are very clearly indicating that an egg-drop is imminent.

Today’s plans include working, ingesting 2800 calories, relaxing with the husband, finding some time for the no-pants dance, and getting knocked up.  In that order.

So long as the world doesn’t end, anyway.

Have a happy Saturd–err, Judgement Day, friends, and watch out for raptors!

Vampires and angsty teens may be able to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, but no one can escape the Raptor!

Status

Skinny Bitch

May 12th, 2011.  CD13.

Hello friends!

Who wants some updates on my uterus?

Well too bad, because I don’t really have anything new to report.  CD13, big whoop.  If I were a textbook case, I’d be ovulating tomorrow.  Since I’m more of a headcase, I probably won’t ovulate until late next week or possibly later.

Oh well, that just gives me lots of time to “collect samples”, if ya know what I mean.  *winkwinknudgenudge*

So since my reproductive system is gathering dust, I’d like to take this opportunity to talk about another part of my body that isn’t working correctly:  My fat cells.

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Quote

Mothers Day With Tina Fey

I know that as Infertiles, Mothers Day is supposed to make us bitter and resentful at the universe for our unending barrenness.

That sentiment seems a little selfish to me.  I mean, I may not have children (yet), but I do still have my mother, my mother-in-law, and my grandmother-in-law in my life.  This should be a day used to celebrate those that we still have with us, those women who brought us up.  Today should be the day to honor the women in our lives who have changed our diapers, yelled at us for crossing the street without looking both ways, stayed up all night waiting for us to sneak back into the house, and not telling Dad how late we got home or who it was that dropped us off.

For me, this is a day to honor them that I do have, not a day to cry about what I don’t.

Besides, I celebrate that every other day of the year…

And so, in honor of Mothers Day (and in honor of not taking yourself too seriously in life), I present to you an excerpt from the mind-blowingly awesome book I’m currently reading–Bossypants, by Tina Fey.

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Status

A New Hope

May 4th, 2011.  CD5.

Today is Star Wars Day.

May the Fourth be with you… Get it?  May the Fourth?

Baaaaahahahahaha…

I’m endlessly amused by wordplay and silly puns and Star Wars in general, so this whole celebration has been right up my alley.

But hey, this blog is not about how much of a nerd I am, it’s about how infertile I am!  While both of those things are rather pitiful, let’s get back to the topic at hand, shall we?

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Status

May Day!

May 1st, 2011.  CD2.

I had Mountain Dew, Midol, and a bag of Baked Lays for dinner last night.  Went to bed way too late after watching hours of DVR-ed soaps.  Slept like absolute crap.  Awakened from a dim sleep by cramping which rendered me immobile.  Took more Midol.  Curled up in the fetal position, wide awake and in pain, catching up on Tweets on my phone for about an hour before I felt I could get out of bed.

Opened the bedroom door to find both cats staring at me.  Continued further into the house to find that they’d broken into the hall closet, somehow slicing open the bag of chicken jerky dog treats, and leaving a comically long trail of said treats throughout the house.  The dog was more amused by this than was I.

I didn’t even bother temping this morning because I was fairly certain the thermometer would beep and then say, “Whoa bitch, you’re a hot mess.”

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Status

Covert Ops

April 28th, 2011.  CD33, 8DPO.

Eight days past ovulation, and nothing exciting to report.  Honestly, this cycle has been rather boring.  Except for the fact that I waited around for a clear sign of ovulation–and then waited another week on top of that–there hasn’t really been much to get anxious about this month.

Until today, that is.

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Status

You Really Like Me!

April 25th, 2011.  CD30, 5DPO.

That’s right, 5DPO.  If FertilityFriend doesn’t want to confirm my ovulation, then I will just go ahead and manually override the system to declare it myself.  So there.  Ovulation?  Check.

So, I guess that puts me officially in the TWW… This cycle is already crazy.  I’m usually preparing the house for a visit from Aunt Flo around CD30–Heating pad within reach, Midol and tampon supply stocked, chocolate stockpile replenished–but this month I’m anticipating another five days or so of waiting around for that to happen.  Strange…

Maybe my body knows that this time next month the husband and I will be traveling out of state for a wedding, and that I will have much more important things to concern myself with than how many miles are between the highway rest areas.

I guess I won’t complain.  For now, anyway.

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Aside

Rotten Easter Eggs

April 24th, 2011.  CD29.

So, on this day when we celebrate rebirth and bunnies and eggs, of all things, FertilityFriend doesn’t want to even confirm that I have ovulated this cycle.  I guess I see their point… Erratic temps for 25 days, followed by one measly positive OPK, followed by some not-so-stellar post ovulation temps.  I guess my eggs just aren’t in the Easter spirit.

*Sigh*  I’m not holding out a lot of hope for this cycle to be of a normal length, let alone for it to produce a child.

But hey–At least there’s an abundance of baked goods and salty meats and candy to celebrate this day!  Oh, and I also bought a new pair of jeans, and for once, they make my 12-year-old-boy-ass look fantastic.  Really.  So there’s that.

And so, Happy Easter, my friends.  May you spend the day relaxing with friends and family and not running from rabbits with nasty, sharp, pointy teeth.

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