Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen...

Thursday, September 5th, 2012.  6weeks, 6days.

I know I shouldn’t have, but I did it anyway.

I Googled.

I really just wanted to find some success stories of other women who had inconclusive or just plain bad first scans, who then went on to have healthy babies.

I found some of those.  Lots, in fact.

I also found some of the others.

The stories where the women had a blighted ovum or missed miscarriage.  Where their babies died, or never started to properly develop, but their bodies kept right on pumping out the pregnancy hormones.  They had symptoms right up until their D&Cs…

Is that me?

Are these symptoms real?

Have they been fading a bit each day?

Have I been oblivious and blind with hope?

I feel like maybe I had more symptoms at the very beginning.

I recall being very scatter-brained from the start.  I don’t feel that way so much now.

I also remember being very, very tired.  I’m still going to bed early, but I no longer really feel like I am going to pass out on my desk at 2pm every day.

I had some pulling/twingey/almost-cramping feelings at the start, too.  No longer.

I also had that one occurrence of what I thought was “morning” sickness, just last Friday.  Nothing like that since, and nothing before it, although I have felt that same feeling of over-fullness and near-nausea several times since then, particularly after eating.

Some things have persisted since the very start…

I’m still hungry all the time.

My “girls” still hurt like someone is sticking red-hot knitting needles through them.

I still have some random nausea, particularly in the morning before I’ve eaten or drank anything, and any time I brush my teeth.

I am doubting my body.  I am starting to question these things I though were surefire pregnancy symptoms.  I’m constantly wondering if my mind is playing tricks on me…

I am not ignorant, nor am I the type of person who can live happily in denial.  If this pregnancy isn’t progressing, I want to know.  If my baby is just a bit of a slow-poke, I’m fine with that.  I really just want confirmation, and from the sounds of the other stories out there in Googletropolis, waiting is the only way to really know.

I really despise Limbo.  It’s the most painful place to be because there is no forward motion, no moving on.

I’m just stuck.

Sad, scared, and full of doubt.

I’m trying to maintain hope, but it only comes in tiny increments.

I am praying with every fiber of my being that Monday brings happy answers.

Even bad news would be something from which I could move forward…

I just need something.  A scrap.  A shred of information.

I just need it to be Monday.

The doctor didn’t see what he wanted.

At first, he didn’t see anything at all.

After a while though, he located something he thought was a gestational sac, although it was very small.

He expected to see something measuring about 10mm today, but what he found barely measured 5mm.

He expected to maybe even see the tiny flicker of a heartbeat.

There was none.

He wants to see me back again on Monday for a follow-up ultrasound, and if Gummy Bear hasn’t made it to 10mm by that point, I’ve basically been prepped on my options for miscarriage.

I have a tiny picture.  It’s sad and empty.

I keep hoping my bladder was too full, or my uterus was too tilted.

I keep hoping the doctor was wrong.

He was nice about it, though… He gave me some small shreds of hope.  His face told me what I needed to know, however.

I’m preparing for the worst, and hoping for a miracle.

Actually, preparing and hoping are on tap for tomorrow… for today, I’m just numb and sad and too upset to even eat my feelings.

*sigh*

Why can’t this be easy?

Wednesday, September 5th, 2012.  6weeks, 5days.

I realize that life has already given me many “big days” at this point, and that there are many, many more to come, but today… today is BIG.

In just a couple of hours, the husband and I will head to Dr. K’s office for our first ultrasound.

If things go well, we will see our little Gummy Bear!

If things go badly, we may leave the office with a whole different set of plans to make…

I’ve been careful so far.  Careful to ensure that any conversation about this pregnancy includes two possible paths diverging on this exact date.  One path leads to our miracle baby.  The other path loops around, and we head back to the starting line.

There are a few people who keep saying things like “Why do you let yourself think like that?” and “There’s no reason to think this won’t work out, so why are you focusing on the negative?”

That’s the thing… I let myself think about all possible outcomes so that no matter what happens, I am at least somewhat prepared.  And yes, there is a reason to think this may not work out, and I’m just trying to be realistic.

I’m doing it to protect myself.

It’s so easy to let the happiness run my life, and I really want to let it!  I just know that if the unthinkable happens today, I will only find comfort in the fact that it wasn’t so unthinkable… I’m not afraid because in my mind, I’ve been here before.  I know how to move forward from this.  I’m not lost.  I can try again.

Once I’ve accepted the idea that there are not always happy endings, I can be secure in the knowledge that I have faced the reality of every outcome.  I know what can happen… now I am allowed to hope for what I want to happen.

However, despite all that, only a very, very small part of me is preparing for the worst.

The rest of me is vibrating with hope that this rather obvious set of symptoms means that my Gummy Bear is healthy and growing, and that this first ultrasound will be the beginning of a happy path to our Take Home Baby.

Whatever happens, I will do my best to report back here as soon as I can.

I’m prepared to report bad news, but I fully expect to post my baby’s first photo.  🙂