Tag: decisions

Drifting Forward

Apologies, again, for yesterday’s heap of venting.  Sometimes you just need to put it all out there, read it over a few times, and become accountable for your own life.

And sometimes you just need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, put on your big girl panties, and deal with things.

Which I am now doing, thankyouverymuch.

My doctor is on vacation, which I know isn’t easy for her to do… I would hate leaving my patients in the hands of others; luckily, she works in a large practice with several other very competent physicians, and they are helping me work through all of the WTF?, NOW WHAT?!, WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?!! crap I’m currently spewing into the universe.

More accurately, the lovely nursing staff at the University of Michigan Center for Reproductive Medicine is fielding my emails, running around and asking doctors to make decisions for me, and generally just patting my hand and giving me virtual hugs to make me feel better about being a crazy person with busted junk.

I love them.  I need to send them flowers or a fruit basket or something.

Anyway, they talked another of the doctors there into letting me continue on with a Femara-only cycle.  No monitoring, no trigger – just pills and OPKs and old-fashioned mattress-dancin’.

(And shhhhhhhh… don’t tell, but I have a teensy bit of Gonal F left in the fridge that will spoil if I don’t use it.  So I probably will.  It’s too small an amount to make much of a difference, but hey… why not, right?)

Based on past results, I have very little faith that this will be my miracle cycle.  About that much, I am realistic.  I’m not doing this because I think it will get me a baby…

I’m doing it because it feels like doing something, and I  need that right now.  It’s something to hold onto, and a way to feel like I’m less drifty and floaty in the miasma of space and time.  It gives me a bit of an anchor, and something to obsess over for the next month.

Next  month is going to be a whole different story…

July will be my laparoscopy month.  When my doc gets back from vacay, she will call to schedule my surgery for me.  I estimate that it will be scheduled for around July 12th, but I’ll know more in a couple of weeks.

I’m super nervous about having surgery.  I haven’t had to be put under for anything since I was like four, and that freaks me out.  I have faith in the doctors, though, and know that this is one step I have to make, regardless of where I’m headed next.

Worst case scenario – they find nothing, and the surgery was a waste.  At least I will have gotten it out of the way, as most  docs require it before moving forward with IVF.

Best case scenario – and I know this sounds twisted – they find some serious endometriosis in there.  I don’t want to have endo, believe me, but if they find it, they can remove it.  If they remove it, there’s a good chance that I will feel so much better physically.  Maybe my periods won’t leave me gasping and sobbing on the floor for the first three days of each cycle, and maybe – just maybe – removing the potential escaped endometrial cells will help my hormones shift back to normal and let me go on with the business of making babies.

Maybe.  It’s a gamble, but there’s no way to know until I try.

I suppose that’s why they call it an “exploratory surgery”.

So that’s where I am.  Not so much adrift as I was yesterday, because now at least I have a distant shore in sight.  I don’t know what I might find there, but it’s the only bearing I have, and I’m taking it.

Ahoy, bitches!

I know how you feel, Tom. One day at a time.


Turn the Page

Monday, February 25th, 2013.  CD12.

A few things have happened over the course of the last week…

First, I received a packet of my medical records from when I participated in the AMIGOS study through Wayne State University.  I absolutely love having my records in my hands, because I like reading the notes and the lab results and consulting Dr. Google about any abnormalities!

Sadly, the few tiny abnormalities I did find were pretty much inconclusive to Dr. Google and myself.  Guess one of us needs a real medical degree to determine what’s going on there… Either that, or nothing is actually wrong.  Which I doubt.

Second, since all of my latest test results came back within normal ranges, I was waiting for Dr. K to call and let me know where I should go from here.  I had asked about genetic testing for the husband and myself, DNA karyotyping, and a laparoscopy.  When he had his (nice) nurse call me back, she said that the doc wasn’t too keen on genetics or karyotyping since we’ve only had one miscarriage.

ONLY ONE?  That’s not ENOUGH??

Anyway, he also said that there was no reason to do a laparoscopy without a prior diagnosis of endometriosis.  When I mentioned that I thought diagnosing endometriosis required a laparoscopy, the nurse said that they hadn’t seen anything via ultrasound to make them think that endo was a possibility, and that most insurance wouldn’t cover the lap anyway.

Uhh… what was that now?  Talk about going in circles… Yeesh.

Nice Nurse also said that the doc still recommends going through with a full injects and IUI cycle next, and to contact them when I have meds in hand for the full details.

Third, I made a decision to seek out the help of another doctor.  Specifically, I am going to see the head of Reproductive Medicine at the University of Michigan.  Dr. F seems more open-minded about “outside of the box” diagnoses and treatments, and she came to me highly recommended by one of the doctors I used to see at Wayne State.

This was on her “About Me” page:

Sometimes the solution doesn’t require extraordinary measures.  Dr. F also helps women who have medical conditions such as thyroid or pituitary abnormalities that make them infertile. She says, “A woman’s treatment may be having her health optimized.” Treating the underlying medical condition may mean that a couple doesn’t need assisted reproductive technologies to overcome infertility.


So now I am going about the monumental task of accumulating my medical records and getting a second referral from my snooty PCP.  This woman likes to second guess everything I do, and it sounds like although I saw her for my annual physical just two weeks ago, she is going to make me come in to consult with her again to ask for a referral to another specialist.


But whatever… I’ll do what I have to do.  I just have to make sure I do it quick, as the appointment is surprisingly soon –  March 12th!

I’m excited about having another set of ears to listen to my woes, and I hope this doctor will let me lay it all out for her.  My goal is to educate myself on everything I’ve been through up until this point, and and to be knowledgeable about any and all potential diagnoses that may be in my future.  I also want to be prepared for the possibility of surgery, expensive and more invasive treatments, and worst of all – the possibility of remaining “unexplained”.

I’m still not any closer to a diagnosis, a solution, or a baby, but I feel like making this decision is an important step in that direction.

And at my age, every step matters…


Growing Up Sucks

It might be pretty, but it's terrifying to drive over. Just so ya know.

Well folks, I knew this day would come eventually, but I was not looking forward to it.  The husband and I have finally come to a decision about where our next move will take us.


If this is your first time tuning in, the decision was between moving two hours west to be closer to my family and friends, or an hour and a half south to be closer to the husband’s family and friends.  Our lease is up in August, and I really just want to be closer to more people we know.

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Summertime Sadness

A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.