Moving On

Friday, July 15th, 2012.  CD26, Who-gives-a-crap-how-many-DPO-at-this-point.

Well, today was beta day.

As I have come to suspect, thanks to some lovely cramps and chocolate cravings, I am not pregnant.


Even though I had a feeling what the results would be today, I am still a little in shock over the fact that I’ve done THIS MANY medicated and IUI cycles with NO real progress.

*le sigh*

But, the only thing that’s sure about life is that it goes on.  It might not be fair, but thankfully–mercifully, it moves forward.

And so shall I.

As much as I have loved working with the ladies in the AMIGOS research study, I have an appointment with a new RE here in Toledo in a month, and I am optimistic about getting a different opinion.

I know there are still lots of different avenues to try, and there is still hope for me.

In the meantime, I have a lot of work to concentrate on, as well as a myriad other things to occupy my time and interest this summer:  house-hunting, good books, WINE, vacation with the husband, visiting friends, new nephews…

Oh, and I can now make the appointment for my NEW TATTOO!!  🙂

Speaking of which, I better get on the phone and do that.  No time like the present!

Have a fabulous weekend, all!



Happy TWOsday!

Tuesday, June 12th, 2012.  CD23, 11DPO/10DPIUI.

Today’s a pretty good day.


Twin nephews!!  😀

Josh and Jace make Auntie Tracy an aunt six times over!

Someone told me at a party a couple weeks ago that holding a brand new baby on the day they are born is good luck in getting pregnant.

I hope that’s legit, because I’m gonna hold both of those little nuggets later today!

And, let’s be honest… I could really use some double-luck.  🙂



Floating Away

Monday, June 4th, 2012.  CD15, 2DPIUI.

I feel like crap.

I somehow contracted a lovely summer head cold, which is making my life miserable.  On top of that, this week is probably one of the Busiest Weeks In History at work, due primarily to the fact that I am covering for another recruiter while he is out of town.

It wouldn’t be such a big thing to take on his work in addition to mine, but I am also training four new minions for the team.  Thankfully, most of them seem to be getting the hang of things.

I really wish I could take some cold medicine, but the only stuff I can take makes me SOOOO sleepy.  I also don’t think I can take much during the TWW since the doctor told me to basically behave as though I’m pregnant until told otherwise.

And so, I’m miserable and whiny and stuffy, and my head feels like a balloon.  My ears hurt, and I have to be on the phone all day.  Waaah.

Perhaps I need to re-record my office voicemail:  “Hi.  This is Tracy.  I’b sick.  I hope you dob’t deed be for buch today, as I ab currently ibpersodating a bucus factory.  I’ll get back to you just as sood as I cad.”

Anyway, to recap the weekend:  I got my trigger shot at the clinic on Friday – the same day as my temperature took a nice little dip.  The doc seemed to think I may have ovulated one of my 3 mature follicles at that point, and she gave me the trigger to ensure that I released the rest ASAP.

The IUI was Saturday morning, and it went as usual.  The husband’s counts were pretty good:  39 million post-wash, with 98% motility!  Not too shabby!

My temp went up on Saturday morning, and up even more on Sunday, so FertilityFriend thinks I ovulated on Friday.  I really wasn’t expecting to have the IUI so soon, and thought we would have at least one more day to set aside some Sexy Time, but the rushed nature of this cycle caught me off guard.

Ugh.  Maybe the software is right…  Either way, our Sexy Timing wasn’t spectacular, as we didn’t get busy at all for a few days before the IUI.  We managed the day after the IUI, so hopefully between those two encounters, maybe we caught the 2 eggs that were lagging behind the first.

I’m just not feeling this cycle.  I feel like the timing has been off the whole month due to the increased meds, and that I progressed too quickly and caught the LH surge too late.  I also feel like this horrid cold is going to somehow hinder my fertility further.  I haven’t started testing out the trigger yet, and I’m not sure if I am even going to start this month.

I just feel so down about this whole process today.  I want this to work so I don’t have to move on to yet another new RE.  I want to be done giving blood and peeing on things and taking pills that make me sweat/cry/batshit crazy.

Ugh.  That seems to be the theme of today:  Ugh.

I hope you all are having a better day than this blogger!


Jumping the Gun

Friday, June 1st, 2012.  CD12.

Well today was interesting…

At my monitoring appointment, I was informed that the three measurable follicles I had on Wednesday were ready to burst today.  The doctor took my blood and promptly gave me my trigger injection, along with instructions to report back there tomorrow morning for the IUI.

Jeez!  I guess increasing the dosage of meds really made a difference!

So anyway, tomorrow it is, I guess.  I can’t help but feel a little nervous that this is too soon.  Especially since I’m getting the trigger 24 hours before the procedure.  I typically ovulate right around the 36 hour point after getting the HCG injection, so I hope this cycle moves a little faster to coincide nicely with the turkey basting.

Tomorrow should be a good day.  It’s the birthday of a dear friend of the husband’s and mine, it’s my half-birthday (what? you have one too!), and there’s a graduation party tomorrow afternoon that I’m excited to attend.

Oh, and if I can squeeze it in, I might be getting a consultation for the super-secret tattoo I want to get.  Squeeeeeeee!!

Soooo… yeah!  Excited about tomorrow, but nervous about the results in a couple weeks.  Same ol’ story.

Have a great weekend, friends!

(Here’s a Pin that made me giggle today:)

Oh Draco…


Door Number Four

Monday, May 21st, 2012.  CD1.

Well, it’s been a whirlwind twenty-four hours.

This time yesterday I was staring at a home pregnancy test with a very visible second line.

Oh, and freaking out.  I freaked out.  More than a little.

Fast forward a few hours and a few more pregnancy tests (all of which were negative), and the telltale spotting began.

By this morning, I was fully aware (read: no longer in denial and losing a great deal of blood) that my third IUI cycle was done.

I called the doc on the way to my beta this morning to let them know I’d be needing my Cycle Day 1 blood work and ultrasound.

I decided to be gentle with myself for a change, and stayed home from work today.  Right now, I’m in bed and catching up on some DVRed programming I’ve been too busy to watch.

(Off topic:  Does every show on TV right now have an infertility/miscarriage/adoption story line going on?  Oy!  First Grey’s Anatomy, then Private Practice, and now Sister Wives?  I may not have chosen the best shows to watch for this particular day in my life.  Ugh.  Rant over.)

And so, with that unceremonious end and a negative beta, we trudge on to IUI cycle four.  This will be the last cycle in the AMIGOS unexplained infertility study, which also means that it’s my last fully-funded IUI cycle.

In an effort to make this one count, the docs agreed to increase my meds.  They are hoping that increasing the follicular count will help me have better odds of fertilization and implantation.

Very science-y, docs.

I don’t care what we have to do…  Just gimme mah baby.

Now you go get to work on that.  I’m gonna lay here and try not to die.

This makes me extra-proud of the bits of Danish blood I have in me. The pastries don’t hurt either.


12DPO Trigger Progression

Saturday, May 19th, 2012.  CD26, 12DPIUI.

Well, it’s been 14 days since the trigger shot, and I think it’s finally out of my system.  Sheesh.

I really had hopes of seeing the lines start to get darker, instead of just lighter and lighter and fading away completely.  Ugh.

Well, on a positive note, I almost tossed my cookies on the patio of a restaurant last night when some old dude started eating his fries with vinegar.  Blech!  I was surprised how much the smell effected me.  And then later, at the baseball game, I swear I could still smell the vinegar… I also teared up during the national anthem.  Totally weird.

Oh, and my boobs?  They caught up with the cycle and finally started to torture me, as per usual.  Of course.

AND my temp appears to be in a free-fall.  Great.

I guess I figure that if I were pregnant, I would probably be getting BFPs before symptoms… right?

Oh I just don’t know.

I’m going to go clean the house and then get outside and enjoy this beautiful, sunny weekend.

Peace out, girl scouts.  🙂


New and Improved – Even More Crazy Per Pound!

Friday, May 18th, 2012.  CD25, 11DPIUI.

Soooo…  I really thought I was dealing with this cycle better than cycles past.

I had a plan for this Two Week Torture Wait… I’ve been staying busy, not paying such close attention to symptoms, and generally not planning for any outcome of the cycle – positive or negative.

And then?

And then the crazy came to town.

I don’t know who flipped the bitch-switch, but whoa.  Today has been intense.

I know part of it is due to lack of sleep… I should have gone to bed earlier last night, and I just didn’t sleep very restfully despite having had an hour-long massage yesterday.

All I know is that I woke up this morning with my crankypants on, and as soon as I was vertical, I realized I had a killer ear ache.  I don’t think I’ve had one of those since I was a kid!  It was weird, and it only lasted an hour, but it was enough to make my day start out kinda iffy.

The husband drove me to work today so we could drop off his car at the shop for some minor repairs, so it was nice to be able to see him in the morning.  That helped.

It also helped that today at lunchtime, we held a “baby shower” for a coworker who recently discovered an injured kitten in her driveway, took said kitten to the vet where one of his legs was amputated, and then adopted said kitten into her family!  It was adorable, and I swear half the office was in attendance.  What a spoiled little tripod that kitty’s going to be.  🙂

Okay, so by now I’m in a slightly better mood.  The husband is taking me to a baseball game tonight, and while I don’t really care so much about the sport, I do love me some hot dogs.  And sunshine.  And boys in tight pants who bend over a lot.  So there’s that.


As for the rest of the crazy, I think I finally started symptom-stalking.  Or maybe lack-of-symptom-stalking…

I have almost no breast tenderness this cycle!  That has been one of the worst, and most persistent side-effects of the Prometrium, and this month?  Nothin’.

Totally weird.

There’s also the hunger.  And thirst.  Could be from the progesterone, I know…

The fatigue.  Totally from the progesterone.  Strike that one from the record.

I’ve been kind of sniffly/sneezy/stuffy lately.  Along with that random, drive-by ear ache.  But it’s allergy season in the Great White North, and though I’ve not suffered from them in the past, it would make sense that my age has caught up with me in that regard.

My back hurts.  Real down low-like.  Even after getting a massage… I’m just hoping that’s not Aunt Flo knocking at the door.

I just want this to work.  I feel like if I want it too badly, I will somehow jinx myself.  I feel like if I act too nonchalant, I will jinx myself.

I wish I knew where the word jinx came from.  It’s fun to say, type, and look at… Hmm…





Checking In…

Tuesday, May 15th, 2012.  CD22, 8DPIUI.

I know it’s been a couple of days since I last updated the ol’ blog, so I figured I’d give you the low-down on what you’ve missed:

  • My sister-in-law’s baby “sprinkle” was on Saturday, and that was super-fun!  My twin nephews are going to be very spoiled.  🙂
  • The husband and I went away for the weekend to meet our new goddaughter.  She was amazing and adorable and sweet, and I didn’t even try to steal her once!
  • It was nice to be away.  We were able to steal away for a few minutes on Sunday morning to check out the beach in Ludington, Michigan, where I haven’t been since I was a kid.  It was a beautiful day, and we enjoyed every minute of it!
  • From there, we drove down to Grand Rapids to meet up with my family and have a nice Mother’s Day lunch.  It was great to see everyone again, especially our adorable little curly-haired niece!
  • When we got back to the Toledo area, we made the rounds to see the husband’s mom, grandma, and sister for a quick Mother’s Day visit.  Then we went to bed and crashed.  Hard.
  • On Monday morning, I drove up to the research clinic for my post-insemination ultrasound and blood work.
  • My lining was good at a 16, and my progesterone came back at a 29.  Not too shabby!
  • A funny thing happened on Saturday night:  I started getting these little stabby cramps in the general lower pelvic area.  Sometimes they were sharp enough to make me double over or catch my breath!
  • They came and went throughout the evening on Saturday, came back a few times briefly on Sunday, and continued Monday from about 10am till at least 8pm!  Weird!
  • Today, I am trying to maintain sanity as I contemplate the possibility of implantation cramps and wait for the trigger to test itself out…

And here are some photos from the weekend:

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Happy Tuesday, friends!


Third Time’s the Charm!

Tuesday, May 8th, 2012.  CD15, 1DPIUI.

Yesterday was my third IUI.

Yesterday, about thirty people said to me “Third time’s the charm!”.

I know they meant well, but jeeeeez.

Also, I hope they’re right!

The IUI went like usual, fairly quick and without incident.  A doctor actually performed this IUI, which was different than the other two that were performed by nurses.  So hey, maybe he had the magic touch!

The husband’s numbers were good, as well.  Not as mind-blowingly spectacular as last cycle, but still impressive according to the doctor.

I laid there for the obligatory 20 minutes, alternately praying and Facebooking, and when my time was up I headed home.

Well… I made a side trip to Ikea.  But then I went home.  🙂

I took the day off yesterday, and spent the whole afternoon lounging in bed, eating yummy foods, reading, and clearing crap TV off the DVR.  It was a good day.

Another amazing thing happened yesterday, too:  My newest honorary-niece, Mallory Ann, was born.  I haven’t met her yet, but I already love her.  The husband and I are taking a 5 hour trip out to meet her this weekend, and I couldn’t be more excited!

I feel like that is a good omen for my IUI cycle.  The birth of a beloved baby on the day of insemination MUST be a sign!  Her father’s birthday is also on our wedding anniversary, so it only makes sense, right?  Also, a good friend’s son turned two yesterday, and someone wonderful that I follow online finally got her BFP yesterday!  Oh, and yesterday was the seventh, which is a lucky number!

All of these things are the type of happy news that give me hope for this cycle…

Little Mallory’s birth also brings in the season of the babies in our household.  We have twin nephews due in June, and another honorary-niece or -nephew due at the end of the summer.  It will be a busy few months on the baby front, and I am hopeful that I’ll be able to continue that trend with a baby of my own in the New Year.

Sometimes it still stings, realizing that I will turn 32 this year, and have no baby of my own.  I really thought I’d be done by now!  I suppose God has other plans, and I’m trying to be patient and accept that.

It ain’t always easy, but it always brings me peace to know that God has a plan.

May you all have a peaceful week, too.  🙂



Bottomed Out

April 30th, 2012.  CD7.

I’m baaaaaa-aaaaaack!  🙂

Well, more accurately, I was back Saturday night… but today I am back to real life.

Speaking of life…

Real life can really suck sometimes.  You know?

Life’s not always fair.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and sometimes good people are left hanging for a long time waiting for something that never happens.

There’s been a recent development at home.

We were recently presented with news of an impending bundle of joy, and it came from very close to us.  I’m not sure why, but this announcement was the hardest to hear.

That is not to say that we aren’t happy about it.  We are happy!  Ecstatic, even!

It just stings.  And sometimes it’s hard to smile through the pain.

The news was presented to the husband first, who spared me the ambush.  He was more upset than I was, mainly because he has finally reached the point I’ve been at for a long time.

The “When is it going to be OUR turn??” point.

The point of jealousy and bitterness and guilt over jealousy and bitterness.

Him reaching that point really hurt me, even more so than the news itself.

It hurt so much that I have yet to call and congratulate the expectant parents.  I’m afraid of not reacting in a way that will convey that I am truly happy that they are getting what they want.

Getting what I want.

I’m afraid that my own selfish feelings on the subject will bubble to the surface.  I don’t want to spoil anyone’s good news EVER, and that’s why I’ve thus far avoided the conversation.

I’ll get there.  Eventually.

Anyway, aside from that somewhat traumatic event, let me update you on other recent developments.

Cycle Day 1 was fantastic.  Nothing like getting news of a chemical pregnancy to rub salt in the wound created by other people’s impressive fertility.

Cycle Day 2 was even better.  I got up at 5am to get ready for my trip to Indy, and quickly realized how completely shitty I felt.  I mean, it’s Aunt Flo.  The bitch is in the house, time to get on with the day.  What I was not expecting however, was to start vomiting like the possessed as soon as I got into the car with my poor coworker.

A four hour trip took us about six, and I think my entire digestive system was trying to evacuate my body in whatever way it could.  That was good times.

The view of downtown Indianapolis from my amazing hotel room went a long way to make me feel better. As did the room service.

Cycle Day 3 brought the start of the Indianapolis conference whirlwind, as well as the start of the next round of mystery meds.  The day was crazy and long, but I met a lot of great people and learned a ton.  No puking today!  Woo, progress!

Cycle Day 4 brought even more chaos, but by this point I was starting to have fun with it.  I felt human again on this day, and was able to really enjoy myself and engage people.  Also, wearing makeup and doing my hair helped.

Cycle Day 5 took us to an early morning conference floor wrap-up, followed by packing up our booth, checking out of the hotel, and driving home.  The drive home took considerably less time, since I was not barfing up Midol and Mountain Dew.

Oh yeah. And this happened.

When I got home, it was like the best thing that’s ever happened.  I had missed my bed, my shower, my cats, notsomuch the dog, and my husband, terribly.

I missed him a lot.

Like, a LOT-lot.  To the point that I was a Stage Five Clinger when I got home.

And for most of the day yesterday, too.

The past week has been full of ups and downs, and more than once I felt like I was hitting the lowest point I’ve been to yet.  I managed to rebound, somehow, through the grace of God and the support of others.

And I guess that’s all that really matters.

It’s not how many times you fall down, but the fact that you get back up each time.

Well, I’m up.  And I’m staying here.

At least until the next Beta Day…

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Summertime Sadness

A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.