Tag: 8 weeks pregnant
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When Feathers Appear…

When feathers appear, angels are near.

Have you ever heard that phrase?

I’m not sure where I heard it the first time… maybe one of those psychic medium shows.

I’m not sure how much of that stuff I really believe anyway.

Angels?  Sure, I think they exist, but are they really trying to send us messages?

Doubtful.

Then again… Maybe so.

I first noticed the feathers as I left the office last Tuesday after discovering that I was spotting.  I was in a panic, thinking that I was about to miscarry.  I got to my car, and my parking space was covered with feathers.

I really didn’t think much of it, especially considering the state I was in at the time.

The next day, after not miscarrying and subsequently returning to work, I noticed more feathers.  In the parking garage, the sidewalk, on my front porch.

I started to think about that saying… “When feathers appear, angels are near.”

It was then that I started to really think that maybe that spotting wasn’t just a fluke.  Maybe the feathers were sent by an angel…

It’s only fitting that the day I started seeing the feathers was the day the doctor says my baby stopped growing.

My angel baby.

I’ll never hold that baby, but I feel a connection stronger than with anyone else I know.  My angel baby sent me feathers as a sign of peace and happiness and hope for the future.

Like the bird tattooed on my shoulder, and like the precious happy moments of my childhood spent watching the birds flit about, the feathers were a sign that I should be at peace.

There is still hope, and there is happiness to come.

Dr. K was very kind and reassuring.  There was almost no growth since our last appointment, and the yolk sac has disappeared.  Everything about my body is perfectly healthy, and this seems to just be a chromosomal issue.  It happens in 20% of pregnancies.  I’m normal and healthy, but the baby just wasn’t.

He gave me options and told me to take my time.  I can choose to miscarry naturally, or I have some medication that will help the process along.

One thing that helped to hear was that the medication does not require me to wait months before starting a new cycle.  I will have time to grieve, and time to prepare myself for jumping back in with both feet.

As devastated as I feel right now, I know that it’s just not in me to stop trying.

I’m still stuck in a hard place; half-pregnant, carrying the shell of a life that left me a week ago.

A life that left feathers in its place.

I have grief and sadness and emptiness.

But I also have hope.  And determination.  And strength.  And an amazing husband and support system.

And that’s a lot.

It’s enough for now.

It has to be.

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I’m Ready.

Tuesday, September 18th, 2012.  8weeks, 4days.

I’m ready.

Bring on the ultrasound.

I’m prepared for today.

I know my odds, and I have reconciled all imaginable outcomes.

I have a gut feeling, and I’m hoping to be wrong.

Whatever today brings, however good or bad, it will surely bring answers.

That will have to be enough for now…

I’m ready.

Let’s go…

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One More Sleep…

Monday, September 17th, 2012.  8weeks, 3days.

Tomorrow is the day we get answers.

Tomorrow is the day our baby’s heart beats, or we start preparing to miscarry.

Tomorrow is the day we can emerge from Limbo and start to move on…

Hopefully.

One more sleep leaves us on the brink of a changed life.

Tomorrow is the day.

One more sleep…

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8 Weeks

Friday, September 14th, 2012.  8weeks.

I really didn’t think things would be so up in the air at eight weeks pregnant.

Honestly, I thought I would be announcing our happy news on Facebook at this point.  I thought I’d spend the nights I’m alone while the husband is at work using my awesome new home fetal heart doppler to listen to my baby.

(Yeah.  That bad boy came in the mail the day of our first ultrasound, by the way.  It now resides in its unopened box under the bed, along with the pregnancy books, because I’m afraid to look at it.)

I really am in pregnancy limbo.

And I really hate limbo.

There is truly nothing I can do but wait, and that’s just not my style.  Even Dr. Google has stopped giving me new information.  Ugh.

I’ve started the dangerous path to over-rationalization, which is something I do when I’m very nervous or expecting a bad outcome.

I mentally go over my early pregnancy symptoms, and try to remember the days I had them and the days I didn’t.  I try to pinpoint when they left, and match that up with the date Dr. K saw old blood in my uterus.

Was that the appropriate time frame for a miscarriage to have started?  Did my baby stop growing a week ago, creating the blood that resulted in brown spotting this week?

All of these things can be completely unremarkable in a pregnancy.

Spotting?  Happens to lots of people, and brown spotting is not of much concern.

Loss of symptoms?  Hormone levels can plateau in any normal pregnancy, and sometimes symptoms fade in and out.  No biggie.

Slow growth?  It happens, and a lot of the time baby catches up.  Early growth can be hard to gauge sometimes, especially with a tilted uterus.

All of these things alone can be perfectly normal.

All of these things together with my particular situation are extremely worrisome.

I am finding myself planning ahead on two separate paths…

On the one path, I am going ahead with that Facebook announcement.  I’m registering and decorating a nursery and holding my new baby in the hospital.

On the other path, I’m making the decision whether to miscarry naturally or seek medical intervention.  I’m grieving and healing and preparing to hop back on the TTC roller coaster.

It’s exhausting.

One thing I’ve decided though, is how I will proceed if I am forced down that second path.  I can’t know what my body will do on its own, but I want to wait two more weeks before forcing anything to happen.

10 weeks pregnant.  If the news is bleak at Tuesday’s ultrasound, then 10 weeks pregnant is as far as I will get.

Of course, there is still the small chance that maybe Gummy Bear decided to kick it into high gear this week and I’ll end up making it well past that 10 week mark… and down that first path after all.

I hope to God that’s the path I end up walking.

 

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