Tag: 7 weeks pregnant


Wednesday, September 12th, 2012.  7weeks, 5days.

I felt great yesterday.  It was a beautiful, fall-like day in Southeastern Michigan/Northwestern Ohio, and things at work felt like they were really coming together.  The team is almost fully back to normal after a few important people had been missing due to extended illnesses and injuries, and after starting the day with a new trainee and lunch out with coworkers, I felt ready to really dig in and have a productive afternoon.

About 2pm, I ran to the bathroom and found that I was spotting.  Not bleeding exactly, and not even full-on pink spotting, but more of a brownish-pink, very creamy cervical mucus.  Almost like what you might see during the TWW, except with the alarming color.

I panicked.

Since there was quiet a lot of… umm… wetness, and because I was wearing khakis and not at all prepared for any kind of bleeding to start while I was at work, I went home early.  I got to the house, put on the stretchiest pants I own, and curled up with a blanket on the couch, feeling awful and waiting for the cramping and heavy bleeding to start.

Waiting to miscarry.

I waited all night… and finally went to bed with the husband, fully expecting to be awakened by painful cramping.

But it never happened.

I woke up with my alarm this morning well-rested and feeling… serene.  Happy, even.

No cramping.  No more spotting.


Soo… that was weird.

Was this a forewarning of the beginning of the end?  Will I look back at this later and realize that it was a sign that my miscarriage was beginning, or will this just be the one scary time I overreacted to some very mild spotting?

I have no idea at this point.

I stayed home from work this morning and am now waiting for a call back from Dr. K to see if he is going to send me for blood work and/or have me come in earlier than Tuesday for my next ultrasound.

I’m thinking that I should just go to work.

I can’t go home and hide every time I get scared.  That’s just not me.

I really need to keep living my life like nothing tragic is looming in the shadows, because if I do lose this baby, I am going to need to throw myself back into that life in a major way in order to recover.

And if I don’t lose this baby, which I pray every day is the case, I will have plenty of time off from real life about seven months from now…

Either way, life must go on.

And so must I.


:: UPDATE ::

The doc called back and told me that he is not at all concerned by brown spotting, and that it was probably the old blood he saw in my uterus during Monday’s scan.  He said that it’s a perfectly normal thing for any pregnancy, and that I should definitely let him know if I start cramping or have bright red blood.

He also talked to me about blood work, and gave me a choice.  He said that with most pregnancies, the HCG levels in your body level off or sometimes even drop from day to day after a certain point.  Getting my levels taken today may cause more upset than relief if they do not appear to be rising, and he said that if I want to get them taken, he will gladly call in the requisition.

I decided to pass on the blood draw this time.  He’s right.  Getting my blood drawn won’t change anything.  If my levels are rising, I may feel good about it, and yet I may still miscarry.  If my levels are falling or rising very slowly, I may be devastated, and yet my pregnancy may still be successful.

I’m at peace with all of this.  What will be, will be.

One day at a time.  That’s how time passes, and there is no use speculating.

Time to rejoin my life, already in progress.


Small Victories

Monday, September 10th, 2012.  7weeks, 3days.

I just got home from seeing Dr. K for my follow-up ultrasound.

Things went fairly well, considering, although not perfect.

The doc was able to see the gestational sac much more clearly this time, and while it was only 5mm last week and he hoped it would be to 10mm by today, it only measured about 8mm.

He was also able to clearly see a yolk sac, which he said was a very good sign.

There was no heartbeat visible today, but with the slow growth happening, it was unlikely that we would see it before 10mm anyway.

Some good things… Growth, although slow, is good.  Yolk sac being visible is very good.  No spotting or cramping is also very good.

Some not so great things… No visible fetal pole or heartbeat yet.  Doc also saw a small bit of free blood in the uterus, which could signal that spotting and miscarriage are in my future, but maybe not.

One great thing… Dr. K walked into that ultrasound room and the first thing he said to me was “So, have you been reading anything on the internet since we last spoke?”  I almost laughed.  Of course I told him that I had, and that I felt much more prepared today for either outcome.  I also told him that I’d read up on the difficulty some women with retroverted uteruses (err… uteri?) have with early ultrasounds, and he agreed that it was often harder to get early measurements in cases like mine.

He surprised me by telling me that he always thought it was a good thing when patients educate themselves on their situation.  I do believe that man just gave me permission to Google at will…  😉

He also told me that he thinks I am amazingly strong, and said that I did well with the waiting this past five days.  He asked if I’d like to come back on Friday for a follow-up, but (because apparently I’m a masochist) I asked to come back next week instead.  I’d like to give this kid another weeks growth before we take another look.  He was surprised, but he agreed enthusiastically that it was a great idea.

I decided to wait on blood work for now.  I may cave later in the week, but for now, growth of any kind is a pretty reliable indicator that my hormone levels are where they need to be and not dropping.

I figure that a week is enough time for either a visible heartbeat, or miscarriage symptoms, especially considering the blood in my uterus.

I feel good about all of this.  It might not end happily, but I asked for what I wanted and the doctor was very supportive.  I also expressed an interest in miscarrying naturally, if that’s how this plays out, and he agreed that there is no harm in allowing myself to go through the process without medication or surgery.  I’m glad he was so supportive today, and it made the whole experience so much easier.

I still have hope that this will be my Take Home Gummy Bear, but I feel in control of the care I’m getting, and I feel very supported by everyone in my life, including the staff at the clinic.


Contingency Plans

Saturday, September 8th, 2012.  7weeks, 1day.

Wednesday was rough.

Thursday was somewhat of a blur.

Even Friday had it’s wobbly moments…

Since then though, I’ve had some time to think.

I’ve deliberated, researched and made some choices that I think are reasonable.

I’ve thought through all outcomes, and now have what I feel to be a good handle on the next step for any situation we find ourselves in on Monday.

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

Situation #1

Ultrasound shows growth, detail, and a clearly defined baby, possibly even with a beating heart.

Moving on from here – repeat ultrasound in two weeks and remain cautiously optimistic.

Situation #2

Ultrasound is either inconclusive again, or shows no growth and points clearly to impending miscarriage; doctor recommends medication to remove remains of failed pregnancy.

Moving on from here – request blood work, seek second opinion from OB or hospital ultrasound.  If the blood work shows that my HCG levels are continuing to rise, I will decline medications and ask to be seen again for a follow up ultrasound and blood work in two weeks.

I should explain… I am not delusional or in denial about what very well could be happening at this moment.  The doctor may see this as a desperate attempt to delay the inevitable.  Others may judge me for putting off a sure thing…

However, I have done some research and have found that women with a tilted uterus like mine (shaped like a golf club, with the top of the uterus pointed well toward my spine – which is precisely where the pregnancy is located), tend to have somewhat more difficult early ultrasounds due to the location of the pregnancy being in a tough spot for the ultrasound to reach.

Miscarriages are not often misdiagnosed, but a large majority of the times that they are, it is due to that damn tilted uterus making things hard to see and even harder to measure.

Basically, if Dr. K says anything other than “there’s a baby with a healthy heartbeat measuring right on schedule”, I want to follow up with blood work to confirm that my HCG levels are not falling.  If they are, I can be at peace with what is happening, and hopefully my body will be able to miscarry on its own without the help of medications.

If the blood work shows that my HCG levels are still rising, I will ask for a second opinion ultrasound.  I just want to be sure that different people on different machines can agree on what is or is not happening in my uterus before I count myself (and my baby) out.

If everything points to a progressing pregnancy except the ultrasound findings, I will ask Dr. K to see me again in two weeks to reassess.  I figure that two weeks from Monday should put me between nine and ten weeks, and by that point there should be something visible on the ultrasound regardless of the shape of my uterus.  Two weeks may also be long enough for my body to catch up with itself if I am in fact having a miscarriage.

I know that a lot of this sounds like torture, especially given that I am not handling this current five-day wait with an especially large portion of grace, but I’ve thought it through.

This is my first confirmed pregnancy.

This is my baby we’re talking about here.

Nothing less than 100% certainty is good enough for me.  If there is even a shred of hope that some doctor using some machine could make some mistake or miss something important, then I would prefer to wait and reassess rather than jump straight to the clean-slate-meds solution.

I can never have closure if there is even a grain of doubt that I gave my baby every opportunity to progress.

If that costs me weeks of agonizing waiting and a more painful miscarriage, then it will be worth it to have that peace of mind.

I already feel better having said these things out loud (and typing them now), and after discussing it with the husband, we both feel like we can move on in a better way knowing that we did everything we could for this little life.

Of course the hope is that we will not need the contingency plan for Situation #2, but it gives me so much more confidence just knowing that it’s been thought through.  Our first ultrasound left me in a bit of shock, and I didn’t have the presence of mind to ask questions or advocate for myself and my baby.

Monday will be a different story.

I am prepared.  I can handle whatever comes my way, even if I break down several times along the road.

I have confidence in my body, and plan to stand up for what is right for me.

I am a Mama Bear now.  Even if this isn’t my Take-Home gummy bear, I am still going to protect my baby.

This kid deserves a fighting chance.

And this mama is not afraid of a fight.


7 Weeks

Friday, September 7th, 2012.  7weeks.

I woke up this morning feeling great.

Like, scary great.

I don’t know for sure if I’m psyching myself out here, but I’m about 80% certain that I woke up without any pregnancy symptoms today.

I’m not nauseated.

I’m not tired.

I’m not hungry or thirsty.

Even my breast tenderness has faded to a tolerable level when just a couple of days ago it was torturous.

I suspect that my HCG levels are dropping.  I have no way of knowing if this is true, however, because Dr. K didn’t order blood work for me on Wednesday.  I may pee on a stick tonight to see if the lines have lightened at all.

I’m starting to accept what is happening…

If I started to cramp and spot over the weekend, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least.

If, somehow, we get good news on Monday, I will be shocked.

If we get the bad news I expect, I’ll still be devastated, but a small part of me will be saying, “I told you so…”

This is such a shitty place to be.


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Summertime Sadness

A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.