Tag: 6 weeks pregnant


Thursday, September 5th, 2012.  6weeks, 6days.

I know I shouldn’t have, but I did it anyway.

I Googled.

I really just wanted to find some success stories of other women who had inconclusive or just plain bad first scans, who then went on to have healthy babies.

I found some of those.  Lots, in fact.

I also found some of the others.

The stories where the women had a blighted ovum or missed miscarriage.  Where their babies died, or never started to properly develop, but their bodies kept right on pumping out the pregnancy hormones.  They had symptoms right up until their D&Cs…

Is that me?

Are these symptoms real?

Have they been fading a bit each day?

Have I been oblivious and blind with hope?

I feel like maybe I had more symptoms at the very beginning.

I recall being very scatter-brained from the start.  I don’t feel that way so much now.

I also remember being very, very tired.  I’m still going to bed early, but I no longer really feel like I am going to pass out on my desk at 2pm every day.

I had some pulling/twingey/almost-cramping feelings at the start, too.  No longer.

I also had that one occurrence of what I thought was “morning” sickness, just last Friday.  Nothing like that since, and nothing before it, although I have felt that same feeling of over-fullness and near-nausea several times since then, particularly after eating.

Some things have persisted since the very start…

I’m still hungry all the time.

My “girls” still hurt like someone is sticking red-hot knitting needles through them.

I still have some random nausea, particularly in the morning before I’ve eaten or drank anything, and any time I brush my teeth.

I am doubting my body.  I am starting to question these things I though were surefire pregnancy symptoms.  I’m constantly wondering if my mind is playing tricks on me…

I am not ignorant, nor am I the type of person who can live happily in denial.  If this pregnancy isn’t progressing, I want to know.  If my baby is just a bit of a slow-poke, I’m fine with that.  I really just want confirmation, and from the sounds of the other stories out there in Googletropolis, waiting is the only way to really know.

I really despise Limbo.  It’s the most painful place to be because there is no forward motion, no moving on.

I’m just stuck.

Sad, scared, and full of doubt.

I’m trying to maintain hope, but it only comes in tiny increments.

I am praying with every fiber of my being that Monday brings happy answers.

Even bad news would be something from which I could move forward…

I just need something.  A scrap.  A shred of information.

I just need it to be Monday.


I Don’t See Anything…

Here’s the ultrasound photo from this morning.

I don’t see anything that looks promising.  Nothing like the images out there showing an obvious gestational and yolk sac, fetal pole, and fetus.

I don’t see anything…

It’s going to be a long wait till Monday.



Less Than Ideal.

The doctor didn’t see what he wanted.

At first, he didn’t see anything at all.

After a while though, he located something he thought was a gestational sac, although it was very small.

He expected to see something measuring about 10mm today, but what he found barely measured 5mm.

He expected to maybe even see the tiny flicker of a heartbeat.

There was none.

He wants to see me back again on Monday for a follow-up ultrasound, and if Gummy Bear hasn’t made it to 10mm by that point, I’ve basically been prepped on my options for miscarriage.

I have a tiny picture.  It’s sad and empty.

I keep hoping my bladder was too full, or my uterus was too tilted.

I keep hoping the doctor was wrong.

He was nice about it, though… He gave me some small shreds of hope.  His face told me what I needed to know, however.

I’m preparing for the worst, and hoping for a miracle.

Actually, preparing and hoping are on tap for tomorrow… for today, I’m just numb and sad and too upset to even eat my feelings.


Why can’t this be easy?


The Big Day.

Wednesday, September 5th, 2012.  6weeks, 5days.

I realize that life has already given me many “big days” at this point, and that there are many, many more to come, but today… today is BIG.

In just a couple of hours, the husband and I will head to Dr. K’s office for our first ultrasound.

If things go well, we will see our little Gummy Bear!

If things go badly, we may leave the office with a whole different set of plans to make…

I’ve been careful so far.  Careful to ensure that any conversation about this pregnancy includes two possible paths diverging on this exact date.  One path leads to our miracle baby.  The other path loops around, and we head back to the starting line.

There are a few people who keep saying things like “Why do you let yourself think like that?” and “There’s no reason to think this won’t work out, so why are you focusing on the negative?”

That’s the thing… I let myself think about all possible outcomes so that no matter what happens, I am at least somewhat prepared.  And yes, there is a reason to think this may not work out, and I’m just trying to be realistic.

I’m doing it to protect myself.

It’s so easy to let the happiness run my life, and I really want to let it!  I just know that if the unthinkable happens today, I will only find comfort in the fact that it wasn’t so unthinkable… I’m not afraid because in my mind, I’ve been here before.  I know how to move forward from this.  I’m not lost.  I can try again.

Once I’ve accepted the idea that there are not always happy endings, I can be secure in the knowledge that I have faced the reality of every outcome.  I know what can happen… now I am allowed to hope for what I want to happen.

However, despite all that, only a very, very small part of me is preparing for the worst.

The rest of me is vibrating with hope that this rather obvious set of symptoms means that my Gummy Bear is healthy and growing, and that this first ultrasound will be the beginning of a happy path to our Take Home Baby.

Whatever happens, I will do my best to report back here as soon as I can.

I’m prepared to report bad news, but I fully expect to post my baby’s first photo.  🙂


Worst Date Ever

Saturday, September 1st, 2012.  6weeks, 1day.

Yesterday is a bit of a blur.

Since we were on the brink of a holiday weekend, the office closed two hours early.  Score!

I took advantage of that time and drove up to meet the husband about an hour-ish north of here at a hotel, where we dropped off my car and our bags, and then took off to head to MSU for tailgating and the big game for the husband, and my planned hangout with an old friend.

But then, the craziest thing happened…

Turns out IT’S A HOLIDAY WEEKEND.  And we weren’t alone on the roads.

I swear to you, millions of other drivers were out yesterday, and they were all going where we were.  I mean, what with the last travel weekend before school starts, move-in weekends at all the state colleges, and college football starting up, we really should have known.

It was fine, though.  We made it to East Lansing, if a little later than we would have liked, at least relatively on time.  Only a few things had to be glossed over in order to make our commute faster.

Like food.

Because the office closed early, I never ate lunch… only a late breakfast of hash browns, peppers and cheese, covered in hot sauce.  And I don’t even LIKE hot sauce… Hmm.

We skipped dinner in lieu of making better time on the roads, and I knew that once we got into town and I had met up with my friend, we would go someplace where I could get some food.

Foolishly, I hadn’t packed any snacks with me, either.  Dumb, Tracy.  Dumb.

I was fine when we pulled into town.  The husband slowed down the car enough so I could tuck and roll safely onto a street corner, where I was quickly collected by my good old friend Chris, who I haven’t spent much time with since high school.

The husband got to the game safely and on time, and Chris and I ventured into Lansing to find food, trading sarcastic remarks along the way.  We picked up right where we left off in school…

Just like old times.

We ended up at a barbeque restaurant that had only opened a few months prior.  When we sat down to order, I started feeling… not so swell.

I chalked it up to hunger.

I ordered big – pulled pork, mac and cheese, and cheese fries with bacon chili.  Oh yes.

I ate eagerly at first, and stopped when I felt myself filling up.  I knew it wouldn’t be beneficial to be overly full so early in the evening.

After dinner, my digestive system decided it was unhappy.  I assume because of the unexpected consumption of so much hot sauce earlier in the day.

Chris and I walked along the river in town for a bit, and then headed back to the car to find a sports bar where we could watch the game.

On the short drive to the bar, my digestive fortitude began to decline at a rapid pace.  It was a relief when we arrived.

Chris and I found a spot on the abandoned patio, figuring the fresh air would help.  I promptly ordered some water, popped about five pieces of the mintiest gum I could find, and headed to the bathroom.

Over the course of the night, and the whole entire game, I was in the bathroom more than I was out of it.  I never actually got sick, but I was sure that vomit was imminent.

I heard the game end as I was kneeling over a public toilet.  (MSU won, by the way!)  Shakily, I got myself washed up and back to Chris.  We talked about our options, and decided the best thing would be to head back to his house, which was mercifully close by, and I could wait there for the husband to pick me up after he made his way out of the post-game melee.

The car ride back to Chris’ house was short, but unfortunately meat-scented due to the doggy-bag we’d left in the car while we were watching the game.  Needless to say, we enjoyed some fresh air with all the car windows rolled down.

Once we’d arrived and I had sent a text to the husband explaining the urgency with which he needed to collect me, I retired to Chris’ bathroom where I promptly voided the contents of my stomach.

Let me just say this:  pulled pork is delicious, but coming back up, it’s pretty much like barbeque-flavored sawdust.  Ugh.

By the time the husband arrived, I was pretty much empty.  He and Chris talked sports for a bit, and Chris supplied me with several plastic grocery bags and some paper towels… you know, for the wretched forty-minute drive back to the hotel.

As we were leaving his house, I thanked him for his hospitality.

“I’m so sorry about tonight.  I am the worst date ever.  I’ll make this up to you someday, when I can eat again, I swear.”

To which he replied, sarcastic as ever, “As dates go, spending the night hanging out with a married, pregnant chick who spent most of the night in the bathroom, leaving me to chat with the waitress who had a boyfriend, and then taking her home where she puked all over my house is not my ideal date.  However, it’s definitely not the worst date I’ve ever had, which is pretty sad.  You might look like crap, but at least you were good company.”

Just like old times.  🙂

In closing, I’ll say this… I was able to keep whatever stomach contents I had left for the entire drive home.  (Thankfully.  The husband does not tolerate such things well, and it really wouldn’t have been a picnic if we were both up-chucking on the side of the highway.)  I felt a lot better by the time we reached the hotel, although I was exhausted.  We slept well last night, and got breakfast on our way back home.  I had several other snacks throughout the day today, and have felt superb.

I just finished two pieces of pizza, however, and have this ominous feeling that I may not be able to hang onto it as long as I’d planned…

So many people have said that 6 weeks is when the morning sickness started for them.  I didn’t expect 6 weeks to the day to bring on a sudden after-dinner sickness like that!

As miserable as it was to be sick away from home, I went to sleep relieved last night.

Something is in there.  Something that is trying to teach me when, and what, to eat.  Something that punishes me when I get the answers wrong.

Something is in there.

Well… not something exactly.

Someone.  🙂


First Prenatal Appointment


Friday, August 31st, 2012.  6weeks!

It feels foreign to even type “First Prenatal Appointment”… And let me tell you, the foreignness doesn’t stop there!  The whole time I was in the OB’s office yesterday, they kept saying things like “your pregnancy” and “your due date” and “your baby

Crazy, man.  Just crazy.

I’m progressively feeling a lot more confident about this whole pregnancy thing.  It’s a slow progression, but I’m getting there.

So yesterday I met with the OB, Dr. B.  He’s a big, jolly man (not unlike Santa), and he thought it was hilarious that I met with him just over a month ago for the first time, and here I am:  pregnant.  He said he knows that Dr. K was probably the big reason why it happened so quickly (ha.), but he feels like he should get some credit.

He’s a funny guy.  I like him.  🙂

We went through the basics… family and personal medical histories, habits, lifestyle, et cetera.  I had my lovely pelvic exam, got a requisition for a gallon of blood to be taken, and they gave me an Estimated Due Date based on last menstrual period:  April 23rd, 2013.

For now, I’m keeping with my original EDD based on my ovulation date, however:  April 26th.  I just want to be as accurate as possible in the beginning.  It doesn’t matter to me when the baby comes (as long as it’s not too early), but I want to be exact on how many days along the baby is development-wise.

As of today, based on ovulation, I am 6 weeks pregnant!

And it’s a Blue Moon!  I feel like that’s special or something.  Like it was meant to make me feel better… Maybe it’s because I was ovulating during the last full moon.

I’m going to take it as a sign.  😉
And so, the countdown is on.  FIVE DAYS TILL THE ULTRASOUND.

I have a lot of fun things planned in the meantime…

Tonight I’m going with the husband up to Michigan State for the home opener and some non-alcoholic tailgating.  I also get to hang out with a good friend I haven’t seen much since high school!  It’s sure to be a good time.  Besides all that, we got married on the MSU campus, so it feels special whenever we are there together.  🙂

The rest of the weekend is sprinkled with fun little things like the Doctor Who season premier party tomorrow night, a cute little pregnancy announcement photo shoot with one of my TTCBFFs on Monday, and the kicker is that I am taking an extra couple of days off!

Tuesday is the day I get to see my girlfriends and their little girls in Frankenmuth for some well-mannered frivolity, and Wednesday is ultrasound day!

The thing I’m most excited for is spending time with the husband, though.  He started a new shift where he is working Friday and Saturday days, and Sunday and Monday nights.  Ugh.  This weekend though, he has extra time available and some paid holiday time, so we can hang out and relax and generally just enjoy each other.

Yay for marital bliss.  🙂

I hope to update the blog with some pictures of all of these fun times soon!  If you’re reading from the US, then have a very happy Labor Day weekend!  If not… well, then have a great regular weekend!  😉

TTFN, friends!

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Summertime Sadness

A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.