Three years ago tonight. I don’t know how I survived some days, but I know that losing our Gummy Bear made me better able to be the mom our Clara needs now. None of it has been easy, but it’s all been necessary. I see that now, even through the sadness and the lingering ‘what-ifs’…
Monday, September 24th, 2012.
Warning:
This post is very graphic, but I need to record it for myself, and for others who may find their way here because they don’t know what to expect of a Cytotec-induced miscarriage.
I was not able to find much information online when I went looking, but the few accounts I did come across helped me immensely. I want to help others as much as I can, in a completely honest and realistic manner.
It happened last night.
The actual miscarriage happened.
I knew that the only sort-of-heavy-ish bleeding and mild cramping I’d had on Friday and Saturday weren’t enough. Always trust your intuition… mine told me that something wasn’t right. I wasn’t in enough pain, and I hadn’t bled in any kind of dramatic way.
Something wasn’t right. And I knew.
I let myself believe what the nurses kept telling me, however, and fell…
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Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen... 
Hard and sad and full of what ifs, but you’re so right – makes you the momma you are to your Clara. It’s like a horribly ugly blessing.
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