What Has Changed… And What Hasn’t.

Monday, July 28th, 2014.  18w 4d.

Obviously becoming pregnant is a situation that is rife with change.  Your body changes, your lifestyle changes, your heart and soul change.  I’ve noticed some of the obvious changes in my waistline and bra size, yes, but there have been other, more subtle changes happening behind the scenes that sometimes sneak up on me.  Some of these are changes in my mindset and the way I’ve come to protect myself through infertility.

I’d like to share some of these changes, big and small, with you now.

If I notice the clock says 11:11, I no longer think “Please…”.  I’ve caught myself instead whispering “Thank you…”.

I’m not as terrified of babies as I once was.  I used to avoid them when possible, and usually turned down holding them at all.  I walked away from baby-centered conversations if I could, and tried not to look horribly uncomfortable if I couldn’t.  Today I’m noticing that I am warming up to those squirmy little snot-factories more and more, which I suppose is a good thing if I’m to have one running my own home like the tiny, miraculous terrorists I still mostly believe them to be.

As I said above, my waistline is expanding.  Most of my pants now either don’t button whatsoever, or are held up with the help of a giant elastic band worn under my shirts and over my pants.  I even have a couple pairs of honest to God maternity pants that I bought from an honest to God maternity store.  That experience was completely surreal, and to be honest, when I wear those pants, I feel like a supermodel.  Some women aspire to be thin and svelte and curvy… I’ve always aspired to have a baby belly to show off.  It’s nice to finally have that little bump I’ve envied for so long.

Aiding in that growing bump is likely the fact that I’m allowing myself to just EAT.  Not that I wasn’t before, but I was still being rather careful about my choices most of the time.  These days however, I’m just eating what sounds good (which is sometimes not so great for me, I’m sure), but I feel a certain freedom in indulging because I CAN.

cupcake1

I’ve started feeling like a bit of a fraud when talking with my fellow Infertiles.  While I believe that I will always feel like one of them, at the moment it’s hard to feel infertile AND pregnant at the same time.  I’m walking an interesting line… I sort of feel like a college freshman who is attending her high school’s prom with her one year younger boyfriend.  HA.  When I’m with them, I’m not fully a part of their world and we all know it.  When I’m not with them, I’m trying as best I can to immerse myself in fertile culture, which I had heretofore avoided like the plague.  I may never fully come around to mommy blogs and play groups the way some do, but I am putting forth an effort to join the party without distancing myself from those who I will always consider my sisters.

My boobs are epic.  I mean, they’re huge and hard and veiny and kind of gross-looking, honestly, but they ARE huge.  I’ve had to upgrade bra sizes recently, and I can see that I will have to do so another time or two at least.  Fun for the husband, but not so fun for my wallet.

Speaking of money, I’ve begun to think differently in terms of spending lately.  Before, we allotted quite a large sum to pay for infertility treatments, acupuncture, herbs, and all sorts of other business that wasn’t covered by insurance.  Now, because apparently infertility is “cosmetic” and because having a baby is “a normal medical condition” (just, UGH), everything seems to be covered by insurance.  Hooray, right?  Well, it’s not like we have extra spending money by any means… Funds are now being funneled toward things I never thought I’d buy – cribs, diapers, snot-suckers, eleventy billion teeny, tiny babeh socks.  And more diapers.

I’m starting to become more comfortable even saying “I’m pregnant”.   Before it was like a curse you didn’t want to say out loud, risking hexing yourself that it might never happen.  Now, I’m getting used to it.  More so, hearing other people say it is becoming less… weird.  I’m awkward as humans go, and so I might be more likely to say something like “I’m growing a person” or “I’m hosting a parasite”.  Adorable, right?  I know.  I’m awkward.

Something that hasn’t changed is the absolute astonishment that this is my life.

I am so completely amazed that I am able to tell people that I overcame infertility.  I get to share my story and offer hope to others that they too can graduate.  I am so fortunate to be able to walk this line between two worlds of complete love and support.

It never fails to blow me away when I can say those blessed sacraments that Infertiles barely dare to speak in their hearts:

My pregnancy.

My child.

My family.

My baby…

.

My daughter.

cupcake

 

24 comments on “What Has Changed… And What Hasn’t.

  1. A Morning Grouch
    July 28, 2014 at 1:07 pm #

    Tears. So happy for you. A girl!

    Like

  2. makingababyv
    July 28, 2014 at 1:19 pm #

    Beautiful post! Congrats on your girl!

    Like

  3. Kim
    July 28, 2014 at 1:21 pm #

    All babies are blessings , and those of us who had the long hard road to travel seem to be especially aware of this. Little girls have a way of steeling your heart…. Be forwarned! (Lol)
    Congrats to you. I am so pleased for you!!!!!!👭

    Like

  4. Sara
    July 28, 2014 at 1:28 pm #

    Well-said and my sentiments have been shared with you during my whole pregnancy! I couldn’t have put it better myself!!!! Congrats!

    Like

  5. Rose
    July 28, 2014 at 1:39 pm #

    AHHHH! Congrats on the baby GIRL. That’s so exciting. And I’m completely jealous. I don’t get to find out for another few weeks.. I think. I don’t even have the appointment scheduled yet but I know my OBs office wants to wait until I’m closer to 20 weeks for the entire anatomy scan. Boooo! Have you been feeling movement yet?!

    Like

  6. blueyesmile
    July 28, 2014 at 2:14 pm #

    Your daughter! Amazing words. Tears of joy for you.

    Like

  7. Heather
    July 28, 2014 at 3:05 pm #

    aah so happy for you… hugs

    Like

  8. JJ
    July 28, 2014 at 3:20 pm #

    Yay! A girl! They are awesome — so happy for you! And I love that you love wearing maternity clothes. It truly was the most amazing time of my life – being pregnant. I had so many people tell me I looked like the happiest most glowing pregnant woman ever to them. I embraced every curve and growing that my body did. It was truly amazing. Enjoy EVERY MOMENT!

    Like

  9. Amanda
    July 28, 2014 at 3:57 pm #

    Wow! Congratulations on YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!

    Like

  10. lucy50
    July 28, 2014 at 4:02 pm #

    Congratulations on your girl!
    Beautiful post overall.

    Like

  11. mylifeasacasestudy
    July 28, 2014 at 5:48 pm #

    Congrats! And I appreciate that you’re happy–nothing offends me more than pregnant IF’ers who whine about “once an infertile, always an infertile”. I think it’s good to keep it real–admit you’ve changed (duh, you’re pregnant) and embrace the opportunity. XOXO

    Like

  12. hollye7916
    July 28, 2014 at 7:54 pm #

    Congrats on a little girl!!

    Like

  13. spapple
    July 28, 2014 at 9:01 pm #

    I can not wait to meet this precious angel. My heart soars for you every day and I can’t wait to meet this miracle. xoxoxo

    Like

  14. Kelly
    July 28, 2014 at 9:09 pm #

    A girl!! Yay! Great post 🙂 Still so very happy for you.

    Like

  15. Sara
    July 28, 2014 at 10:13 pm #

    Great post! A little girl congratulations!!! I was so scared to step into a maternity store, when I finally did I was so much more comfortable in the maternity pants.

    Like

  16. Elisha
    July 28, 2014 at 11:12 pm #

    So exciting! I am so happy for you and the precious princess you are growing inside of you right now. I am praying that she continue to develop perfectly and you enjoy your pregnancy throughout the coming months! xo

    waitingforbabybird.com

    Like

  17. cassiedash
    July 28, 2014 at 11:14 pm #

    Oh, yay! Girls are wonderful. I’m so happy for you, dear friend!

    Like

  18. Shelley
    July 29, 2014 at 7:00 am #

    A girl! Yay!! I love my little girl so much it literally hurts. Even after she’s been here over a year, it still blows my mind, me, mother, her, daughter. It’s crazy and yet also feels like destiny. Impossible to describe without sounding nutty.

    Anyways, congratulations!!! You’ll be such a wonderful mama.

    Like

  19. hopefulandhungry
    July 29, 2014 at 11:19 am #

    Congratulations on your baby girl! Girls are so much fun! xoxo

    Like

  20. meglettx
    July 29, 2014 at 1:44 pm #

    So incredibly happy for you, dear woman I don’t even know. ❤ I hope you are able to thoroughly enjoy every minute as much as possible of this time of planning and preparation. I can't begin to imagine the mindset change you describe but I am so pleased to hear you are feeling the shift. Hoping for a beautiful, glowing pregnancy for you.

    Like

  21. Hope4babyover40
    July 29, 2014 at 7:37 pm #

    So happy for you and your little girl 🙂 and what a lovely, honest post. I guess with time you will find exactly where you belong, but right now you are in the exact right place at the perfect time!

    Like

  22. B
    July 29, 2014 at 10:42 pm #

    Yes!!!!!! Congratulations on YOUR daughter!!!! Having a daughter is so awesome. I mean, having a son would be too but I only have a daughter so that’s all I know. 😉
    Infertility will forever change the way you are as a pregnant human, as a parent, as a person. It will make you more compassionate and patient, to your little one and beyond. I wish I hadn’t gone through the pain of infertility and loss but in hindsight I am grateful for this gift of understanding and connection I have with other people who are navigating this journey. It’s especially helpful as a NICU social worker, though I’m sure you’ll see the “gifts” it brings in your own life and mama journey.

    Like

  23. Liz
    August 1, 2014 at 5:19 pm #

    So happy for you, a daughter, how amazing!?! I relate to your thoughts on the phases of pregnancy thus far.. It’s good to hear you share this, thank you!

    Like

  24. Michelle
    August 11, 2014 at 12:59 pm #

    I’ve been following your blog for a couple of years and I’m checking in after a while. I’m so happy to see that you are pregnant and that things are going so well. Congratulations!! I know that your daughter will be the best Christmas gift you ever get.

    Like

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