July 8th, 2014. 15w 5d.
I’ve been asked – more than once – and I’ve wondered myself for some time now what exactly will become of this blog now that I’m on my way to the “other side” of the infertility struggle.
In many ways, I just don’t know how to answer.
Yes, I want this to remain a resource for those who are struggling – and an outlet for myself, as I still struggle as well.
No, I don’t want to lose readers who just can’t bear to hear about pregnant life at this point in their journeys.
Yes, I want to continue to tell my story, the same way I always have – no holds barred, TMI ablaze.
No, I don’t want to stop writing… nor do I want to start a whole new blog at the moment.
Yes, I want to become a mommy.
No, I do not want to become a mommy blogger.
So that’s where I am. Halfway between where I’m headed and where I’ve spent the last five-ish years.
Limbo is a sucky place to be.
I don’t want to turn away anyone who isn’t in a place to hear pregnancy updates, and I understand that some will have to back away from my posts for exactly that reason. I do understand, truly. I’ve had to do the same at points in my journey as well… It comes with the territory, and I can only hope that my story offers some light at the end of the tunnel for those who are still in the trenches – even if they’re not in a place to read it.
I also don’t want to stop blogging details of my life, because the infertility struggle doesn’t just stop when you become pregnant. If anything, it can come crashing back as hardcore as it ever was in the beginning, and the need for support and an outlet is even greater than before.
An Infertile once is an Infertile always, despite success or resolution.
I do feel a large amount of survivor’s guilt as well. I feel it when I post something on my personal Facebook, knowing that I have friends who are struggling. I try to remain sensitive to that and not blast my news feed with ultrasound or bump pics. I tried to be sensitive when we officially “came out” a couple of weeks back, emailing those friends I knew were struggling before posting the announcement photo. I wanted them to have a heads-up, as I know I’ve appreciated having one in the past.
I feel badly that I am allowing myself to be happy. I have been such a steadfast and reliably infertile confidante for so many over the years, that now when I’ve sort of crossed over, I worry that those who relied on me won’t have the same support I was able to offer before.
Part of this worry comes from being fiercely protective of my support group, and worrying that I won’t be able to carry the torch for them for much longer… at least not without an obvious and growing abdominal-area distraction which could cause discomfort for all in its presence. I want them to continue, and to be well taken care of by whoever comes forward to take over hosting (or co-hosting) duties. Most of all, I don’t want to be a drain on the complete openness we’ve managed to accomplish at our meetings and in our little online group.
Basically, I’m a woman stuck between two worlds.
My heart still leaps to my throat when I see a pregnancy announcement. I feel dread and fear and jealousy before I am able to tell myself that it’s okay, and that I’m there too now.
I worry more now than I ever did in the past. I have this precious thing now, and I feel like every time I do something that’s considered a big step in a normal pregnancy journey (like starting a baby registry… YIKES), I feel like I’m tempting fate and waiting for that other shoe to come down on my head. Hard. With a pile of bricks in its wake.
I have two baby name books in my possession. My mom bought me one, and I picked up the other… I’ve wanted to have one for years, but always felt it too jinx-y to actually own one. Now that I have them, I can’t bring myself to highlight them. Any step like that feels like a step toward a permanence I’m terrified to look forward to.
People want to plan baby showers, and they ask me about nursery colors and bedding designs and baby names, and it’s all I do to quell that inner voice that’s screaming “OH MY GOD STOP! THE MORE WE TALK ABOUT THIS, THE MORE I SPIRAL INTO INCAPACITATING WORRY THAT IT WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPEN!!!”
Infertility is terrifying.
Miscarriage is terrifying.
Pregnancy is terrifying.
Those two pink lines do not in any way solve every problem infertility causes. While I thank God every single day for the reason that I’m so damn terrified all the time, and while I know how unbelievably lucky I am to be here right now, I still struggle.
I think I always will.
And that’s why I need this space. Badly.
I need to write, and I need all of you.
I want you to know that if you need to back away at this time, I completely understand. I’ve done it, too. It’s what you need, and that’s perfectly fine.
As for me, I will be here. I will be sharing what I can without blasting pregnancy crap down your throats. I will struggle and I’ll take you with me, and I will (hopefully) triumph and you’ll be there too.
So there it is. I’m staying here.
Steadfast, terrified, confused, worried, and so happy in those small moments in between.
You can be here, too. If you want, and when you want.
I’m here for me, but I’m here for you as well.
Stick around if you can… I get the feeling that this ride’s just getting started.