I’ve been sitting on a secret.
It’s kind of a big one.
I’ve struggled with keeping it, but ultimately, I stand by my decision as it kept others from suffering, and allowed the husband and me time to process and deal with some things…
So, without further ado, here’s my confession.
*****
Back at the very end of March, the husband and I attended a wedding out of town. This was the best kind of wedding, where all of your friends attend and the reception is in the hotel where your room is, so if you were so inclined to drink all the vodka in all of Indiana and white-girl dance till you drop, you could do so, and safely.
Oh, and I did just that.
Apparently all that boozin’ and carousin’ did something to me… Or perhaps I just twerked something loose on the dance floor? Either way, something definitely changed that weekend.
Fast forward to mid-April. I’d just completed a hardcore spring-cleaning of the upstairs of my house. I gutted the cabinets and closets, cleaned and scrubbed, and was pretty happy with the results. As I was putting away some newly purchased feminine hygiene items in a little basket I keep next to the commode, I found one lonely pregnancy test wedged in the bottom of the basket.
I was kind of angry because I don’t know how that little sucker missed my careful sweep of the area, but I looked it over, found it to be expired (by a full YEAR, nonetheless), and started to toss it in the trash.
Then I had a thought. Aunt Flo was due to make her presence known any second that day, and I figured based on past experience that the very best way to bring her out of hiding was to pee on a stick. I mean, it’s a method that’s basically worked every month for five years, so why not now?
I was also getting anxious to start the next cycle, as I was closing out my 60th month – fifth numerical year – of trying to conceive, and I was planning to give up temping, acupuncture, and a lot of other things I’d been devoting myself to for a long, long, LONG time.
This expired pregnancy test would be my savior. The one time I was ready for a BFN and a glass of wine. The one time I was ready to get the next month underway, and to explore a kind of freedom I hadn’t known in a long time.
I was ready.
So I peed.
And then I got in the shower, did my thing, and started the process of getting ready for the day thinking nothing of the expired peestick on my bathroom counter.
As I was pulling out the hair dryer, I saw the offending bit of plastic out of the corner of my eye, and grabbed it to toss it in the trash.
Then I looked again.
I squinted.
I swore. Loudly. And colorfully.
And I threw that mofo directly into the trash, knowing full well that it was expired, and therefore no result, no matter how faint, could ever be trusted.
I finished getting ready, and as I was about to leave the house, I grabbed that stupid peestick out of the trash, glared at it one more time as if it was offending me with its lies, and hid it in a bathroom drawer where the husband would not see it.
I went to work. I was productive. I barely gave a thought to that useless piece of crap sitting all offensive in my bathroom drawer.
Barely. I may have Googled “expired pregnancy test false positives and evap lines” looking for redemption.
Once I left the office, I stopped by the grocery store for a bottle of wine, a few odds n’ ends, and swung by the pharmacy to grab two more tests.
You know. Just in case.
I desperately wanted to see those blank, white, one-line tests staring back up at me so I could feel validated in my feelings of rage at that broken test that I knew better than to take. I also may or may not have been planning an angry phone call to the customer service line of First Response.
Once I got home and peed on that second test, however, I quickly realized that I wouldn’t be making that call…
Or drinking that wine.
*****
Quick link to Part Two, for those of you who are impatient. I know how you are. 😉
Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen... 
You are not! Are you!!??? GIRL!!!
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AHHHH! I couldn’t be more excited if it was for myself. 🙂 YAY!!!
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This blog gave me chills, I guess your blog title is very fitting. I’ll be anxiously awaiting to hear more, I hope you are doing well. Thinking of you.
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Congratulations! Wonderful 🙂
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I know I already said it, but YAY! 🙂
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OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Congratulations!!!!!!!
That was one of the most suspenseful reads I’ve had in so long & I made sure not to read ahead to see if it was a bfp or what.
Wow, how do you feel?
Did you see a doctor yet to get bloods drawn?
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Congratulations Tracy!
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!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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If this means what I think it means, you have me crying at my desk. I’m so happy for you!
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Whoa!!!! Congratulations!
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OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo very happy for you! It always puts a HUGE grin on my face when I hear (or read) about other IF sisters getting that BFP. I will be praying for you your little bean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Congrats!!!!! Sending good thoughts and prayers for you and your little one:)
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💜💙💜💙
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First of all…. WHOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!
Second of all… you are officially “that girl” too… the stop trying, get drunk and get pregnant girl! Congrats congrats congrats!!!!!
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So it turns out if you DO stop trying – it DID happen. You proved your blog title completely true! Congratulations!
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Wow!
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Congrats, pregnant mama!
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I am officially heading over to my email to open the other post 🙂
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Congrats Tracy…You have kept the faith
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YAY!! Congrats lady!!
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🙂 🙂 🙂 ❤
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