The Big Fat Confession, Part Two

So where did we leave off…?

Oh right.

Two lines on a non-expired pregnancy test.

YEAH.  THAT.

Upon discovering that the previously peed-upon expired test may not have been hurtfully wrong after all, I finally told the husband what I’d discovered.  Like me, he was skeptical and doubtful, and basically every negative feeling that comes along with finding yourself in a situation in which you’ve been burned previously.

We didn’t talk about it much.  I called my OB the next day (having discovered that my old RE no longer considered me a patient since it had been over nine months since they’d last seen me) and scheduled two blood draws for 48 hours apart.

The first came back – low, but acceptable at 29.

I actually breathed a little sigh of relief at that; in my previous pregnancy, the one I miscarried after eightish weeks, my first beta had only been 17, which was concerningly low.

I basically held my breath for 48 hours after that until the results of the second beta came back.

87.

Almost triple.

The OB nurse was extremely pleased, and said that the doctor was too.  They’d see me in three weeks for an ultrasound.  Congratulations, bye.

Errmm… Okay?

So then the husband and I were left to deal with that news.  We didn’t share it with anyone initially.  I was terrified that I’d miscarry again, that this little Jelly Bean wouldn’t develop and we wouldn’t know it until the ultrasound.  We rarely spoke of the pregnancy to each other, though it loomed over us like an ominous dark cloud, full of the terrifying unknown.

Aside from the fear that I’d miscarry again, I was also afraid that my support group would find out.  There’s a certain protocol involved in letting your group know when a member is pregnant, and I had no idea how to do that, since our group was basically ONE MONTH OLD.  I also had no clue how to let them know that it was their host, their organizer that was the pregnant one!  I started the group fully expecting to be the old infertile standby, reliable in my infertility and always a shoulder upon which to cry.  I never expected to be the first victim of the group’s rule that pregnant members would leave the group after their first trimester.

That was the biggest reason I didn’t share my news sooner.  That, and the crippling fear.  Fear that this was real, that it might actually work out this time, and fear that it might not.  Again.  So weeks went by and I continued to keep this to myself.

When the day of the ultrasound arrived, three days before Mother’s Day, I was a wreck.  I didn’t think I’d be able to function a full day at work waiting for an appointment, so I scheduled it for first thing in the morning.  My bladder was full, and I was shaking.

The husband was with me when the sonographer put that little wand on my belly, and as I was telling her that I was only technically seven weeks and that I doubted she’d be able to see anything abdominally, there was the little bean, complete with a flickering heartbeat.

All I remember is her saying “there’s your baby, and there’s its heartbeat”, and myself saying “oh God, thank you” with half a sob.  The husband was on the verge too, and he held my hand and kept me grounded.

We moved on to the good ol’ dildocam portion of the interview, which I was much more familiar with, and there was so much more to see.  The sonographer was amazing, talking us through every little measurement she took, and showing us our baby at all different angles.  She printed a ton of pictures for us, including some 3D shots which were very cool to see so early, and gave us some “baby’s first picture” magnets that she said we could give our moms for Mother’s Day if we so chose.

We had a perfectly measuring little bean on board.  Based on the first day of my last period, they said I was 7weeks 1day, but I was measuring 7weeks even.  Based on ovulation, which was a day later than their calculations allowed, I was 7weeks on the dot, and measuring perfectly.

Jelly Bean had a heart rate of 148, and is due on Christmas Day.

I cannot imagine anything more perfect.

Nothing.

*****

So that’s it.  That’s my confession.

I’m so sorry I had to hide this truth from you all for so long, and honestly, it was one of the hardest secrets I’ve ever had to keep.  For weeks now I’ve simultaneously wanted to scream this from the rooftops with happiness, and come to my online family for consolation in my moments of darkest fear.

I’ve learned that keeping things like this to myself is not the best way to go for me, but for the husband and I and our situation, we needed to keep this close to the vest for a while.

After our 7 week scan, I was seen again at 10 weeks, where Jelly Bean had a heart rate of 180 and was waving his or her little arm buds around at us.  I spent days and hours feeling terrified in my anxiety that something would go wrong, however amazing the scans have been.  The anxiety has been crippling and exhausting, but things are still going well.

At 12 weeks, we had an NT scan with our hospital’s Maternal Fetal Medicine docs.  Jelly Bean looked definitively more human then, and far less jelly-bean-like.  He or she has a quick, strong heartbeat, and it both soothes and excites me beyond belief every time I’m able to hear it.

Tomorrow I will be 14 weeks pregnant, starting my second trimester.  Surreal.

We’re more thrilled now, and less terrified, though the anxiety overtakes me regularly.  My OB agreed to additional monitoring to help me get through the first trimester without having a panic attack (though there were some close calls), and they’ve been very accommodating considering my history.  I didn’t suffer from much in the way of morning sickness, but I did – and still do – have a very real and pressing need to have food in my stomach at all times.  Oh, and my sleep schedule is now 7pm to 4am with frequent trips to the bathroom, so that’s fun.

No really.  I say a little prayer of thanks every time I wipe sleep-crusties out of my eyes and wonder why I bother to stop drinking water in the evening when my body is obviously turning into nothing more than a super-efficient urine factory.  It’s all I’ve ever wanted, honestly.

Our families know – we told them on Mother’s Day – and they are thrilled for us.  My support group has been informed, and though the feedback has been positive, there will be much to be dealt with in making sure the group members feel supported in their feelings, and in handing the reins over to someone else down the road.

We know that at 14 weeks, we’re out of the so-called danger zone, but of course we’re not fully out of the woods yet (are we ever?); however, we are optimistic about the future and all of the possibilities it holds for the collective “us” that is our family.

All in all, things are going well.  I couldn’t ask for more than this, honestly.  It was completely unexpected, and the shock of it nearly killed me with all of its ups and downs… but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

There’s more to the story than this, but I’ll leave that post for another day.

For now, please just know that miracles do happen. 

Sometimes when you’re not even looking. 

Sometimes when you’re thisclose to moving on.

Sometimes even when you’re white-girl wasted.

Twerk on, my friends.

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50 comments on “The Big Fat Confession, Part Two

  1. Aislinn
    June 25, 2014 at 4:38 pm #

    Seriously, full on crying at my desk. I’m so thrilled for you Tracy. I can’t wait to follow your on your pregnancy journey!

    Like

  2. Sara
    June 25, 2014 at 4:39 pm #

    Congratulations! So happy for you this is wonderful news!

    Like

  3. lucy50
    June 25, 2014 at 4:41 pm #

    You are amazing, and an inspiration and I’m so genuinely happy for you I can’t even stand it.

    Like

  4. hopefulandhungry
    June 25, 2014 at 4:42 pm #

    So so so happy for you!!!! Miracles do happen!

    Like

  5. rainbowbabymaker
    June 25, 2014 at 4:43 pm #

    WOW! Congrats! HUGE congrats to you.
    You SO Deserve this!!!!!
    My due date is January 3rd, we’re not far off 🙂 I’ll be 13 weeks on Saturday.

    WOW! Such happy news 🙂

    Like

  6. makingababyv
    June 25, 2014 at 4:43 pm #

    Congrats!!!

    Like

  7. mrsm0129
    June 25, 2014 at 4:44 pm #

    Congratulations again! I am so very happy for you and your hubby!

    Like

  8. swisswife
    June 25, 2014 at 4:47 pm #

    Congrats, you deserve this!

    Like

  9. Theresa Dietz Voshel
    June 25, 2014 at 5:13 pm #

    CONGRATULATIONS!!!

    Like

  10. Lisette
    June 25, 2014 at 5:26 pm #

    Wonderful news 🙂 xx

    Like

  11. Dspence
    June 25, 2014 at 5:38 pm #

    Praise God! This is the best news!!!

    Like

  12. Amanda Tessoff
    June 25, 2014 at 5:50 pm #

    I am almost crying at work reading this. SO beyond happy for you!!! ❤

    Like

  13. Amber Smutny
    June 25, 2014 at 5:56 pm #

    I am drenched intestate over here. I am so beyond happy for you two. We walked that nasty walk together over a year ago and I was so worried to tell you we were pregnant. I cannot wait to hear more. I love you with all my heart. Congratulations!!!!

    Like

    • Amber Smutny
      June 25, 2014 at 6:01 pm #

      In tears**** not intestate

      Like

  14. Elisha
    June 25, 2014 at 6:06 pm #

    yay!! I am so excited and happy for you sugars!!

    Like

  15. robin
    June 25, 2014 at 6:10 pm #

    Bawling my eyes out! How absolutely wonderful!

    Like

  16. Hope4babyover40
    June 25, 2014 at 6:21 pm #

    This is amazing! I’ve only just found your blog (just love the name, such helpful advice!) and to read this post is wonderful. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy and the best Christmas present EVER!!

    Like

  17. Kelly
    June 25, 2014 at 7:55 pm #

    Ohmygosh!!!! I am so excited to read this!!!! And so incredibly happy for you! I will keep you and your Jelly Bean in my prayers!

    Like

  18. road2ourbaby
    June 25, 2014 at 8:14 pm #

    What an amazing post! I’m so happy for you. Wishing you and baby all the best!

    Like

  19. Rachel
    June 25, 2014 at 8:17 pm #

    Firstly – no you did not just stop trying and it happened!

    Secondly – wheeeeeee!

    I found your blog after trying for about two years – right when I discovered that I may have a problem, you were also two years in at that point. My problem turned out to be pretty easy and within 3 cycles with the specialist I was up the duff. I was very happy (and nauseous) but I felt terrible that your journey was so much longer and harder than my own. I kept thinking it would happen for you any second and it did, and then that didn’t work out – devastating!

    And look at you now, all gearing up for stretch marks, light bladder leakage and chronic sleep deprivation 🙂

    Thank you for being so brave and sharing your journey – I know there are many others out there around the world who have found hope, humour and consolation in your esoteric ramblings – and bring on the mummy blog!

    Rock on ladypants!

    Like

  20. Tyger
    June 25, 2014 at 8:37 pm #

    🙂 such wonderful news! So so excited for you! I followed your blog from a few months before your miscarriage and felt you pain all too well after 2 of my own! I have been busy with my twin miracles born in February as I was getting ready to give up myself! Had been hoping for you! Congratulations!

    Like

  21. lydiaseeks
    June 25, 2014 at 8:55 pm #

    This is such outstanding news!! So many congratulations to you and your hubby. I hope that little jelly bean continues to thrive and astound you. Enjoy the ride :).

    Like

  22. Mel @ there is a higher hope
    June 25, 2014 at 9:00 pm #

    I am THRILLED for you!!! Yaaaaayyyy!! Honestly, just over the moon!!! Jumping up and down ecstatic. Congratulations. You so deserve this joy and happiness. XO

    Like

  23. Spapple
    June 25, 2014 at 9:01 pm #

    I don’t think I’ll ever stop crying these tears of joy for you my soul sister! I could not be happier for you guys. xoxoxo

    Like

  24. Rose
    June 25, 2014 at 9:08 pm #

    Me too! Me too! Me too! No really.. me too! I’m due December 26th!!! This is soo crazy. There have basically only been two “infertiles” who I’ve followed. I’ve been more of the silent stalker type on your blog and then one other lady I started chatting with regularly from the baby boards online. She was still ttc and I felt simultaneously excited but also nervous to share that I had finally gotten that elusive BFP. But literally, JUST this week she emailed me to tell me that she’s now expecting too! And now you too! This is some kind of miracle! Well, and really fun because we’re due 1 day apart! I’ve been suffering terribly from fear that somehow as I get closer to the second trimester and my confidence slowly creeps up, that I’m going to find myself disappointed at the last minute. I’ve also suffered through loss in the past which is so hard to overcome. ANYWAY, just wanted to say a HUGE congratulations are in order! I couldn’t be happier for the two of you and know from first hand experience just how insanely exciting and terrifying this time has been 🙂 Feel free to message me if you want!

    Like

  25. Jenni Moore
    June 25, 2014 at 9:17 pm #

    Congratulations!! I was reading this with tears streaming down my face and my hubby looking at me like I’m crazy! I am so incredibly happy for you!

    Like

  26. reidtwc
    June 25, 2014 at 9:40 pm #

    I am so excited for you and (can I say this without sounding weird?) proud of you for all your hard work helping to bring your body back into balance to help support pregnancy. Miracles often go hand-in-hand with hard work…and from all the appointments with Mcstabby and the Maya Abdominal Therapy homework you’ve likely been doing it doesn’t surprise me one bit that you’re on your way to momhood! Congratulations and keep us in the loop as to how you and the little one are doing…

    Like

  27. Jen
    June 25, 2014 at 10:35 pm #

    Congratulations!!!! That’s amazing news! So, so happy for you!

    Like

  28. ksirahsirah
    June 25, 2014 at 11:10 pm #

    Tracy- so very excited for you! Congratulations!!! Keep us posted!

    Like

  29. whereareyounumber2
    June 25, 2014 at 11:17 pm #

    Wonderful! Xxx

    Like

  30. mannacakepie
    June 25, 2014 at 11:54 pm #

    Congratulations!!

    Like

  31. cassiedash
    June 25, 2014 at 11:56 pm #

    Oh. My. Gosh. What wonderful, beautiful, happy, amazing news! I am so excited for you, dear friend. I cannot imagine anyone more deserving. Lots of good thoughts and prayers in all the days ahead!!! xo

    Like

  32. Awaiting Autumn
    June 26, 2014 at 12:21 am #

    Congratulations! I loved your last paragraph. Sounded like the ending to a good Sex & the City episode. Welcome to motherhood. You deserve it. 🙂

    Like

  33. Heather
    June 26, 2014 at 6:20 am #

    Aw. I am so flipping happy for you. I know how hard it was to get here. Congratulations!!!
    My pregnancy was also a miracle. I was about to do IVF and waiting for my period to come and then… there was Nicholas! I am so, so grateful.
    Sending lots of love and best wishes to you!
    PS You can still be a support group leader. You have been through infertility and having a child doesn’t make you forget that.

    Like

  34. ambivalentjourney
    June 26, 2014 at 6:50 am #

    So incredibly happy for you!!!! Congrats!

    Like

  35. Melissa
    June 26, 2014 at 7:09 am #

    I cried the happiest tears in the world for you! I am so glad your prayers were answered in the most amazing way! Your strength is so admirable and I have enjoyed reading your blogs and words of encouragement. You are a truly an amazing inspirational person!

    Like

  36. Susan Gill (@islipped)
    June 26, 2014 at 8:38 am #

    HELL YES! Great post. Echoing the crying as mentioned above. So glad you were able to come out as pregnant. ❤

    Like

  37. Mrsgreengraas
    June 26, 2014 at 10:47 am #

    I’m am do do happy for you! I hope everything goes super smoothly from here on out. And since you’ve been there for so long, you know exactly how your support group will feel, a complicated mix of emotions, but not one of them would want to take any of your happiness away.

    Like

  38. hollye7916
    June 26, 2014 at 4:42 pm #

    Bawling my eyes out at my desk!!! I’m so happy for you!!

    Like

  39. Kendra Grubinski
    June 26, 2014 at 5:50 pm #

    SO EXCITED TO READ THIS! Wonderful news!!

    Like

  40. Sheri
    June 27, 2014 at 12:32 pm #

    Congratulations! I came across your blog after a year of trying (I know it’s not even close to your five) and it was supremely helpful to know that someone else was feeling exactly what I was feeling. Thank you for all your honesty and congratulations again! I, too, am due on Christmas Day! Happy early Merry Christmas to us!

    Like

  41. bookwormmommy2013
    June 27, 2014 at 8:42 pm #

    This is wonderful. Congratulations!

    Like

  42. dreamsandrainbows820
    June 28, 2014 at 11:03 am #

    This is absolutely FANTASTIC. I am SO happy for you!!! 😀 Congratulations!!! ❤

    Like

  43. Alex
    June 29, 2014 at 9:26 pm #

    YAY!!!! Been reading your blog for a while now and just so happy for you 🙂

    Like

  44. Natalie
    July 3, 2014 at 5:26 am #

    This is wonderful news!! Congratulations to you and your husband. You so deserve this- an amazing natural bfp- after your long hard struggle. I’m delighted for you. It’s crazy isn’t it? Our bodies appear to just ‘switch off’ or not cooperate for years (for me it was 2.5 years which included a miscarriage). It was soul destroying and I slowly changed as the months rolled into years from a happy, confident, positive person to a more bitter, obsessed and anxious person. Finding your blog and being able to empathise with you and also laugh at the often ridiculous stuff we all do while long term ttc was like a tonic. Your words were so real and from the heart and they resonated with me, but you also had this ‘don’t give up’ attitude, which I admired. I felt sad for you when you decided to mentally let go but could totally understand it, and I was amazed you would continue to offer support and advice to others through the group you set up.

    Well, get this, I got my bfp on 3rd May- 2 days after my first appointment at the assisted conception unit to plan my first iui cycle. I’m still bowled over. I’m due in the first week of January.

    Here’s to happy health pregnancies for all of us who’ve struggled to do what so many women seem to do with ease.

    Bless you and your bump

    Like

  45. zygotta
    July 6, 2014 at 8:37 pm #

    A few tears tried to escape me as I was reading this. I am so, so, SO happy for you. You must be over the moon with joy – and even more with worry. The worry will susbside only when your baby becomes an obnoxious toddler, I’m afraid 🙂
    Congrats!!!!

    Like

  46. Lori
    July 7, 2014 at 11:55 am #

    CONGRATULATIONS 😀 !!! I’m So Happy For You !! I’m doing the Snoppy Dance !!!
    I do not know you but then I do because I have been there. I was in tears because I know exactly what your going through lots of memories came flooding back the good the bad and the ugly but especially the exciting moment you find out your pregnant. I survived my infertility journey of 3 1/2 years and I call myself a survivor because I am, long journey short I have 2 sons a 6 year old and a 17 mo old. I have my story but this is about you and congratulating you.
    I commend you on your blog reaching out to others putting your true raw feelings out there and giving your perspective as to what it’s like to go through infertility and giving others a place to relate and vent as well as letting others share their own unique story as to what they are going through all different journeys but All striving and wanting the same thing A Baby.
    I look forward to reading about your awesome pregnancy journey and becoming a Mommy 🙂

    Like

  47. Anna @ To Make a Mommy
    June 26, 2016 at 1:45 pm #

    Reading your blog for the first time and crying. I love this.

    Like

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Big Fat Confession | Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen… - June 25, 2014

    […] Quick link to Part Two, for those of you who are impatient.  I know how you are.  😉 […]

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