Why I’ve Been Quiet…

…And first of all, let me calm those of you who dread blogger pregnancy announcements by saying that NO, I am most definitely NOT PREGNANT.

The rest of the story is a little harder to explain, however.

I’ll be honest, I’ve felt very strange lately.  I mean, I’m still part of the infertility community, but I feel like I’ve lost my mojo.  I don’t feel like writing.  I don’t feel like trying.

It’s not that I feel like quitting is on the horizon, either for blogging or for trying to conceive, but I feel very passive about both right now.  Almost ambivalent.

Maybe I’ve just been on this journey too long… It will be five WHOLE years next month, after all.

Maybe I’m just tired.  Tired of one thing defining me, tired of letting it rule my life… just tired.

Maybe I’m ready to stop focusing on me, and start focusing on others.

Maybe it’s time to use my powers for good.

I’ve been approved to form a Resolve support group here in my area (Toledo, Ohio, for those of you who may not know).  I’m really excited to get started, and as soon as I find a location that will suit our needs, I’m going to get the group listed on the Resolve website.  I’m also going to get some flyers made so I can advertise the group in some doctor’s offices here in the area.

I think this is a good step forward for me.  I am ready to start listening more to others, helping them through their questions, frustrations, grief, and confusion.  I’m ready to put my journey on the back burner, and focus on guiding others with my knowledge, experience, and compassion.

I think this is going to be just as helpful for me as it will be for the others who (I hope) will be joining the group.  I honestly cannot wait to get started!

Now, if only the weather in the Midwest would start cooperating, I’d be able to get out there and find that dream location that has the perfect combination of privacy and public setting.  Preferably with warm drinks and carby yum-yums readily available, but not obnoxiously so.  😉

And so, I guess that’s why I’ve been a little distant lately.  I don’t know where I am on this journey any more, which sometimes makes me wonder WHO I am anymore…

Am I still actively trying to get pregnant?  Yes… and then sometimes not really.

So am I still a TTCer?  Yeah, I guess… but then am I still infertile?  Yes, but if I’m not really focused on getting pregnant, does my fertility even matter?

Your guess is as good as mine.

All I really know is that I’ve been through the wringer in the past almost-five years.  I’ve accumulated a lot of knowledge, both through experience, and through obsessive-compulsive research.  I’ve always been drawn to helping others, so pursuing this support group setting is a natural fit for me.

My hope is that by directing my focus to helping others, that I will be forced to take my mind off my own body for a change.  I think that’s what the acu-doc has wanted for me from day one, and I know that it’s something I really need now.

Not to fear, though… I’ll still be here, working on old blog drafts that I keep meaning to publish, stalking other bloggers’ pages and eagerly awaiting good news, and generally just being here for those of you who read and occasionally take the time to email or Facebook message me.  I appreciate what blogging has brought to me, and the cheap therapy it doubles as in my life.

More than anything, I appreciate all of you who take the time to read, and who think of me from time to time.  Thank you… You guys keep me going.

Oh, one last thing – if you, or someone you know, is in the Toledo, Ohio, area, and would like to become part of a general infertility support group, please email me at toledoresolve@gmail.com.  I’ll update as soon as I have a location secured!

28 comments on “Why I’ve Been Quiet…

  1. Natalie
    February 17, 2014 at 10:57 am #

    Hugs and best wishes to you. I hope that by taking the focus off your own worries and pressures, you will find whatever it is that in turn leads to you becoming a mother.
    I won’t say “relax and it will happen” and certainly not “just stop trying…” as I think we are all tired of those lines!! But hey, go with the flow, share your compassion and experience and see where that takes you.
    Thank you for writing about your feelings and thoughts. You put into words what everyone of us feels.
    Good luck!
    Natalie (ttc 26 months)


    • Tracy
      February 18, 2014 at 10:29 am #

      Thank you, Natalie! I’m basically doing exactly what you just said – putting my focus elsewhere for a change. I think it will be a nice change of pace for me, and hopefully my body will respond in turn. And if it doesn’t? Well then I am confident that I’ll get some of my mojo back in my dealings with the group, and that should put me back on a path toward whatever it is that my future holds. 🙂 XOXO


  2. Rose
    February 17, 2014 at 11:04 am #

    Good luck with everything! I think it actually sounds kind of great what you’ve been doing.. or not doing. For the entire month of January I avoided blogs, facebook, tv etc. and tried to just focus on the good things in my life. It REALLY helped. There’s definitely more to life than trying to have a baby and it’s sometimes a nice breath of fresh air to focus on the abundent other things for awhile.


    • Tracy
      February 18, 2014 at 10:25 am #

      It’s been a different world, that’s for sure. I wish I was able to avoid social media sometimes, but I’m just too darn social, lol. It actually gives me anxiety when I go too long without checking my email and Facebook. Perhaps that’s a good reason to practice some restraint, haha. I know what you mean, though… so much of my life has revolved around getting pregnant for SO. LONG. OMG. that I just have a hard time knowing what to do with myself outside of that realm sometimes. You are right, though… There is so much else in life to love, to experience, and to enjoy. Perhaps divesting oneself of stress and anxiety due to feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, and isolation is just what the body needs to heal, grow, and become fertile.

      And no. I did not just reword “relax and it will happen”. Nope. 😉


  3. Elisha
    February 17, 2014 at 11:09 am #

    I wish I lived in Toledo, OH…we could join forces and I could come eat that donut with ya! xoxo Praying for your future group and for that miracle that God is working on for ya 😉


    • Tracy
      February 18, 2014 at 10:20 am #

      I wish you did, too! 😀 And ohhhhh… I would bring so many donuts for us to enjoy. And maybe some bagels, too. And BEARCLAWS, OMG.

      *ahem* Sorry. I get carried away when it comes to carbs. 😉 Thank you for thinking of me, and I hope that you are able to find support in your area, too! XOXO


      • Elisha
        February 18, 2014 at 10:31 am #

        I actually have my own group here in my hometown. We meet at my house every other Monday. I cook dinner with lots of carbs ; )


  4. cassiedash
    February 17, 2014 at 11:38 am #

    What an amazing thing you are doing! I know you will help so many women by doing that. Thinking about you often! xo


    • Tracy
      February 18, 2014 at 10:18 am #

      Thank you! 🙂 I hope you and the family are well, and I think about you often, too! I hope it doesn’t sound selfish that I say I’m doing this as much for others as I am for myself, but that’s the truth of it. 😉 Be well, my friend! XOXO


  5. damelapin
    February 17, 2014 at 11:58 am #

    Hi! I’m not americain but I find it so great that such support groups exist (I think there are some in Canada also). We don’t have that in france, and it’s really missing. Great of you to build one anyway! xx


    • Tracy
      February 18, 2014 at 10:17 am #

      I think these groups are something that can help a lot of people, and I wish there were groups in more areas of the US, too. Maybe you can start something informal where you are! I think you’d find quickly that there are plenty of people who may wish to join in! 🙂 And in the meantime, you have us! The online community is amazing, and it really is an excellent stand-in when you don’t have the kind of support you’d like in real life. XOXO


      • damelapin
        February 18, 2014 at 11:09 am #

        Yes, I totally agree! Let us know how it goes for you. Xx


  6. Kitten
    February 17, 2014 at 1:30 pm #

    Congratulations on starting a Resolve support group! I hope it’s just the thing to bring you out of your funk.


    • Tracy
      February 18, 2014 at 10:15 am #

      Thanks, friend! I know that helping others have hope will help me… it always has. I just need to get past these little details, and I’ll be ready to roll! 🙂


  7. notwhenbutif
    February 17, 2014 at 1:44 pm #

    Starting my support groups was one of the best and wisest things I ever did in this process. Huge congrats being sent out to you.

    And, hands down, the hardest part of the entire group? Finding the right location. I finally settled on a conference room in our hospital, but it never felt “right.” You’ll make it work no matter where you meet!


    • Tracy
      February 18, 2014 at 10:14 am #

      Thanks for the words of encouragement, friend! I might be looking for your insight as I move through this process… I mean, once I have a location and a few people signed up to join… then what? LOL. I know there’s a list of topics to cover, but did you follow those? Do you have an end-of-meeting bitch-session? I kind of feel like that needs to be a thing, lol. I know most of this will come to me once I’m in the element, but it all just seems so theoretical at this point. 😉 I’ve got a few places lined up to visit this week, so I’m hoping for some decisions very soon!


  8. rosiedd78
    February 17, 2014 at 6:11 pm #

    Sorry you are in a funk right now, feeling uninspired. Me too. Not sure what it’s going to take to snap me out of it, but I’ve scheduled a reflexology massage for tomorrow, so I hope the weather lets me get there. Sounds like the support group idea is a great one. I’ve attended a peer-led group in my city and it has helped.. Go be good to yourself. And eat that donut.


    • Tracy
      February 18, 2014 at 10:10 am #

      Ugh, yes. ALL. OF. THIS. The weather is KILLING MY SOUL, and OhEmGEE I need a massage like nobody’s business. My shoulders and neck feel like crampy rocks I carry around all day, which I’m sure doesn’t contribute much to improving my mood or motivation of late! Get out there and enjoy what you can in life, and I’m going to take a page from your book and do the same! This group is going to be a step in the right direction for me… and that donut might just be on the horizon too. 😉 XOXO


  9. Dipitie
    February 18, 2014 at 12:47 am #

    Oh I know this feeling. I’ve been TTC for about 6 years now. Am I still charting and temping and opk’ing and having sex on the days I think I’ll get pregnant on? No, but I figure my chances of getting knocked up are about the same whether I have sex or not. (((Hugs))) and good for you fir starting a resolve group!


    • Tracy
      February 18, 2014 at 10:08 am #

      Thanks for the commiseration, friend. 😉 I honestly wanted to start this group to help others, but I see how it can help me, too. Also, when talking to the lady with Resolve who helps set up these groups, she mentioned that she sees a lot of group hosts getting pregnant, so that might be a good omen for me. I’m not counting chickens yet, especially since my eggs seem to suck, but hey… can’t hurt. 😉


    • Sarah
      February 23, 2014 at 11:21 pm #

      I’m in the same boat as you, Dipitie! At this point, trying to not think about all of the details right now since we can’t do much of anything until we save up the cash for IVF. So why focus so hard. Stopped temping a while ago too. Hugs all around!


  10. Heather
    February 18, 2014 at 6:52 am #

    That’s the thing about waiting for a baby for so long, sometimes you don’t feel like you are actively trying at some points because it has been so long and time just passes by. I also tried for five years (or it could be longer) before I had my miracle.
    Thinking of you (hugs)
    Good for you for starting the group, I’m sure support will help.


    • Tracy
      February 18, 2014 at 10:05 am #

      Thanks, Heather! It’s just been such a long time, and I know you can understand the feelings of just sort of going through the motions after so long. I’m hoping that this group will inspire me, and inspire and bring hope to others, as well. 🙂


  11. nonsequiturchica
    February 18, 2014 at 6:56 am #

    Our RESOLVE group met at a library- but that won’t have the snacks you are looking for. I think it’s great that you are starting a new chapter! I thought my group was very helpful!


    • Tracy
      February 18, 2014 at 10:04 am #

      I’m going to check out a local library branch this week to see if that will be a good setting. I guess it doesn’t have to have snacks available, as long as it’s okay to bring in a drink and maybe some baked goods on occasion. 🙂 I’m glad that you had a good experience with your group! I’m eager to get started, and just ready to start getting out there in the community for a change!


  12. A Morning Grouch
    February 26, 2014 at 7:26 pm #

    Awesome. You will be such a huge support to people who need it. I hope this helps move you out of the “rut” or continues to move you in the more positive direction (both sound like they could be happening, even if you aren’t sure yet).


  13. Tracy
    February 22, 2016 at 11:10 am #

    Reblogged this on Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen… and commented:

    It’s been two years. With over a dozen “graduates” from this group, myself included, four different hosts each next in line for the job because the previous host found success in her journey, and twenty-four months of support, commiseration, and the building of lifelong friendships, we now see how truly important Resolve’s mission is.

    If you are not part of a Resolve Peer-led Support Group in your area – join one. Knowing that you’re not alone is SO important. And if your area doesn’t have a Resolve support group, I urge you to consider starting one.

    I promise you won’t regret it, and I promise it will change lives. ❤


  14. A Morning Grouch
    February 22, 2016 at 12:00 pm #

    I’m of the belief that you do what you need to do, and do what you want to do, but it’s important not to let what we used to do dictate what we HAVE to do. Did that make sense? Lol. No pressure to keep blogging if you aren’t feeling it, for example. EVEN THOUGH I WOULD MISS YOU. But you get the idea. Take care of you, lady!


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