If there’s one thing infertility has taken from me, it’s been my optimism from time to time.
Sometimes it’s been gone longer than others…
I try to keep a positive attitude, even when things are darkest, but it’s just not always possible. There are times that I succumb to the darkness, and let myself think about all the terrifying what-ifs.
What if I’ve gone through all of this only to be unsuccessful in the end?
What if I’ve wasted five whole years on a process that will never work?
What if I’ve wasted time, money, and resources pursuing something that will never yield the results I want?
What if I’ve put relationships to the test unnecessarily?
What if I never get pregnant?
What if I never have a child?
What if this has all been for naught?
I used to be the ultimate optimist. Sure, I was realistic about my expectations, but I could find the bright side of any situation.
There have been days in the past few years where I’ve struggled with that.
There have been days where I haven’t even had the energy or will to struggle. There have been plenty of times where I’ve just allowed myself to wallow in self-pity and pessimism.
Those days, though I know I needed to experience them, are behind me.
I have my optimism back.
The sun is shining for me again, even when it’s a cold, rainy October day.
I don’t know when it happened exactly, but at some point in the past few months, I’ve found that hopeful spirit once again. I can smile and the gesture reaches my eyes. I believe the positive platitudes that come out of my mouth. I can encourage others and truly mean what I say about having a sense of hopefulness for the future.
Maybe my internal optimist was never gone… Maybe she just took a backseat for a while. I can’t blame her; I spent a lot of time beating her down when life wasn’t going my way. Perhaps she just left me to my own devices while she gathered her strength.
Whatever the case may be, I feel like I’m finally reaching the light at the end of the tunnel. Closed doors lead to open windows again. Things are looking up!
For the first time in a long time, I’ve started allowing myself to consider other, happier what-ifs…
What if this treatment path is the one thing that works for me?
What if my last period was my last period?
What if I’m pregnant by Christmas?
What if I get to share the big news with my family over the holidays?
What if I have a baby by this time next year?
What if I get to attend my own baby shower instead of everyone else’s for a change?
What if I get to mother a child of my own?
What if I actually get to realize my dreams?
I have no way of knowing what the future of my life – or even this cycle – holds for me, but for the first time in months, years, I’m okay with that.
I don’t need to know what’s coming, because I know that no matter what it is, I can handle it.
More than that, though…
I can live through it.
I can learn from it.
I can grieve the past and enjoy the present.
I can have hope in the future.
I can take the bad with the good, and know without doubt that my positivity and my good humor will never abandon me.
I am the unrelenting optimist, and I’ve got my sunny disposition back.