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Guilty Pleasures

I’m becoming concerned that I may be the only one who does this one thing… or at least, the only one who’s still trying after

ALL

THIS

TIME

who still does this thing.

It’s sort of embarrassing.

It’s just… my thing.

It’s maybe a normal thing for any of-age woman dreaming of having a family of her own, and totally a normal thing for someone who’s expecting to become pregnant soon.

For a nearly five-years-deep infertile who alternates between hope and hopelessness on a month-to-month basis?

Probably not healthy.

Either way, it’s my thing.

My guilty pleasure.

And I think I should admit it to all of you…

*deep breath*

Here it is:

Every month, regardless of natural, medicated, or completely wonky cycle, I calculate my approximate ovulation date.  Then, once I’ve ovulated, I enter this information into a due date calendar – you know, on the off-chance that I actually do get pregnant – and that’s where the madness starts.

Let’s say I got pregnant this month (hahaha)… My due date would be May 14th; just a hop, skip, and a jump from Mother’s Day!  How sweet is that?

I’d round out the first trimester in early November, which would be an amazing time of year to start sharing with the general public news of our impending bundle of joy.  We’d know the gender by Christmas, and it would make the holidays so special.

I wouldn’t need to make one single New Year’s resolution, because I’d have everything I’ve ever wanted.

I could have maternity photos taken around Easter, and what a cute theme that would be what with all of the eggs and bunnies and baby chicks.  Oh, I can just see it now!

Oh, and don’t forget the pregnancy announcement itself – I would love to have early fall photos taken at the end of September or beginning of October, maybe in a pumpkin patch.  Maybe a graphic designed to announce our “little pumpkin” sent to family and friends, or posted to Facebook… I don’t even care how cheesy that is.

And don’t even get me started on my baby-naming dreams.  I have lists, people.  LISTS.

*sigh*

Almost every month, I allow myself to wallow in these lovely, pastel-colored pipe dreams.  And, without fail, every month those dreams are stomped, deflated, and left for dead until the next ovulation rolls around.

Am I the only one who does this?  Is it a sick fascination brought about by endless hoping for pregnancy and too much time spent on Pinterest?  Is this a subconscious way for me to keep hope alive, or a way for me to escape from the reality of the situation, sticking my head in the proverbial sand?

I have no idea if this is normal, and I have no clue how to stop it – or even if I should stop it.

All I know is that I have these black and white dreams, and every month, I give them color.

Every month that color gets washed away, and I get to start fresh the next month…

Whether that’s healthy or not remains to be seen.

I guess at least I’ll always have a pocketful of creative ideas for my friends and family members who find themselves expecting their own little bundles. 

Oh, you’re having an Easter-time baby shower and need theme ideas?  I’m your girl!

Maybe one day I’ll be able to use one of my grand ideas for myself…

Maybe.

One day.

 

I would never… but still… HAHAHA!

 

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23 comments on “Guilty Pleasures

  1. Heather
    August 21, 2013 at 1:52 pm #

    You are not alone. Now I have to think about ttc #2 I thought I was pregnant the other day and my fantasy went into overdrive. Until I took the HPT and got a BFP. Nothing like one stripe to let all your dreams go down the tube…

    Like

  2. journey2dfuture
    August 21, 2013 at 2:02 pm #

    Been there done that for 30 long months. Its fun at first but after a while it does start to get old. You are not alone.

    Like

  3. Amanda
    August 21, 2013 at 2:43 pm #

    Totally normal… whether it’s healthy or not, I’m not sure. In fact, just the other day I was thinking that if we are able to do IVF in January, and if by some miracle it worked, we might be due in October… which is my birthday, my husband’s and my mom’s. Seems perfect! But you’re totally not alone in your guilty pleasure!

    Like

  4. Rachel
    August 21, 2013 at 3:40 pm #

    I can’t even dream like that because it send me into tears! Dreaming is good as it helps keep the positive thoughts up, keep it up sister!!

    Like

  5. Kitten
    August 21, 2013 at 3:53 pm #

    I used to do those things, but it started to make me too sad. I say if it doesn’t make you sad, go for it! And don’t feel guilty.

    Like

    • Emily
      August 22, 2013 at 10:29 am #

      I have done the same. Several times on several websites. I tell myself it’s to win the contests and that’s the only reason. And every time I fantasize about how I will tell my husband, and our family I feel that much more insane.

      Like

  6. 2ndaryIFblows
    August 21, 2013 at 5:27 pm #

    I do the same thing. I’ve even gone so far as to create a baby registry (under a fake name, of course!) with both boy & girl stuff that I love. Totally sick, I know.

    Like

  7. MG
    August 21, 2013 at 5:55 pm #

    I’m so glad you posted this. We have been trying for over three years and I still have through those thoughts in my head. Not as much as I use to, but I still have them. The only difference is I don’t go too deeply into details and focus on the present. My due date would be just 3 days before Mother’s day if I were pregnant this month. As soon as I thought about it, I started squelching that fantasy. I don’t feel guilty about having the thoughts. It’s normal. Nevertheless, I don’t dwell on them too much either since it makes me feel just a little better when AF arrives.

    Like

  8. newtoivf
    August 21, 2013 at 6:24 pm #

    Oh goodness this sounds like such torture! I sometimes let myself day dream about how I’d tell DH I was pregs but it stops there!

    Like

  9. Jen
    August 21, 2013 at 7:54 pm #

    Yes, every month. Mine usually revolve around how I will tell my husband, my daughter (secondary infertility, here) and my closest friends. And since I already have the photo shoot for how to announce it to the wide world picked out, that makes a recurring appearance in my fantasies.

    So maybe not healthy, but you’re so not alone.

    Like

  10. Connie
    August 21, 2013 at 9:57 pm #

    I do check the due date calculator every month without fail. It does make me extra sad when I see the negative HPT but I can’t help myself during the second week of my 2 week wait. I don’t fantasize about the timing of each trimester but I do look up the baby’s zodiac to see what he/she would be like.
    I can’t help myself. Been doing it off and on during my four year journey of unexplained infertility.

    Like

  11. Emily
    August 22, 2013 at 10:19 am #

    I do it every month. Figure out the due date. Torture myself every day checking my temperature. Comparing my chart to ones who are positive/pregnant. Telling myself my temperature could go back up tomorrow!!! Or the psychic said September so it will happen then. I say this cycle I don’t care, and God will give this to me when he is ready. I feel out of hope, runnin on faith completely, and wondering why I am still praying for this when it’s not going to happen? Sayig well it’s because my cervix sits to the left and we didn’t aim that way (ya, I know). Every where I go people are pregnant. Work. Friends. Church. On the street. It’s like an invasion sent to remind me “it’s everybody but you”.

    The most embarassing part? Is Inhave a closet full of baby clothes, toys, and even a BOUNCER. All brand new. I’ve never had children. It’s pathetic, and so am I.

    I have to remember my friend tried for 7 years, they had surgeries and more to figure out “the problem” and they never got an answer. They went on vacation to unwind. Bam. She got pregnant.

    So maybe this time I will relax, and when I do and it doesn’t happen, AGAIN- I’ll probably lose it!!!

    Like

    • Emily
      August 22, 2013 at 10:26 am #

      PS- That closet? I used to go in there and feel the clothes between my fingers, and hold them and imagine what he/she will feel like over my shoulder. Oh how soft, and how peaceful that will be. But I don’t do it any more. I am embarrassed to go in there and see it. It feels gluttonous. Shallow. And painful. And I’m tired of thinkin maybe God will feel sorry for me and make it happen this time. How completely backwards, untrue and off base. But there it is. It’s the point I am at. And it’s how I feel. And I don’t think I can bear another month of feeling liek I let my husband down and his dream of being a father because he wanted it before I did.

      Like

    • Connie
      August 22, 2013 at 1:18 pm #

      Bouncer? I have an expensive stroller. Bought on Black Friday at the beginning of my journey thinking that I’d have a baby before the next year’s Black Friday sale. Here we are 4 years later, no baby. But I have a stroller!

      Like

  12. jodie
    August 22, 2013 at 12:37 pm #

    i do these things too.

    and emily- i think you and i are soul sisters.

    we’re all just coping the best we can.

    Like

  13. Tracy
    August 22, 2013 at 1:28 pm #

    OMG you guys… thank you for making me feel normal!

    And also for making me feel like I need to start a registry, LOL! 😉

    In all seriousness, it’s so nice to know that I’m not the only one who struggles with expectations and that urge to plan for a completely uncertain future. I love you all for keeping me sane! ❤

    Like

  14. Kimberly
    August 22, 2013 at 3:31 pm #

    you are definitely not alone! I think we have all been there! I used to be so hardcore about that…but I have tried to stop. Till someone else realized that if I get pregnant this ccycle I will be 40 weeks at my best friends wedding! Here is hoping for a very pregnant bridesmaid! You are totally normal!

    Like

  15. Amelia
    August 22, 2013 at 5:24 pm #

    I used to do this. I actively avoid doing it now because every month when I started it was the death of the baby I had in my head. I just couldn’t take it any more.

    Like

  16. Mandy (www.auntmimi2010.blogspot.com)
    August 22, 2013 at 6:26 pm #

    Totally guilty of using the due date calculator!

    Like

  17. damelapin
    August 23, 2013 at 7:30 am #

    Yep, I’ve done that. For each IVF actually… so you’re not alone!

    Like

  18. Sara
    August 25, 2013 at 9:15 pm #

    Hi! Just discovered your blog this weekend. I’ve been ttc for about a year and a half, and I confess I do the exact same thing.

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 25, 2013 at 10:11 pm #

      Welcome, Sara! And don’t worry… it appears as though it’s totally normal within the confines of the Infertile World. 🙂

      Like

  19. rosiedd78
    September 16, 2013 at 5:40 pm #

    I used to do it but then I thought it would make it less painful if I just always assumed I was not going to get pregnant. As it turns out, it’s pretty much the same excruciating disappointment either way, so you might as well allow yourself the fantasies! And I’ve been at this for 4 years. It’s pretty much my worst nightmare come true and yet, somehow I’m still here every day. So if the name lists and strollers and due date calculations help the time pass, why the heck not?

    Like

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