Day: July 26, 2013
Status

Back To the Drawing Board…

Yesterday was my pre-op consultation for the diagnostic laparoscopy I have scheduled for late August.

Err… HAD scheduled for late August, I should say.

Yeah.  My doctor and her bulldog assistant effectively talked me out of having the lap.

Well, they talked me out of having the lap with them, for sure.  I haven’t made up my mind about the rest yet.

Before any of you get upset or start to demonize the good doctor, I can tell you that she’s coming from a place of honesty and realism.  She talked to me for a long, loooooong time yesterday, listening as I rattled off the finer points of multiple studies on laparoscopies in women with unexplained infertility, and gently explaining to me that no matter the outcome of the procedure, the next logical step in our journey is IVF.

It seems as though there are only two choices with this doctor performing the surgery:

One, she finds mild endometriosis, and removes anything that isn’t attached to important bits of my anatomy, such as the bowel, ovary, uterus, or fallopian tube.  Post surgery, the suggested treatment would be IVF if I didn’t manage to get pregnant on my own, which, let’s be honest, is not likely considering all of the other treatments I’ve tried that have failed, despite a good response.

Two, she finds moderate to severe endo, and leaves it alone.  Removal of endometrial adhesions that are more deeply attached to organs and tissues is more dangerous than it’s worth, and she won’t risk my organs to remove something that is, in the grand scheme of things, not causing me a terrible amount of discomfort.  Post surgery, the suggested treatment would also be IVF.

Hmmpph.

I feel cornered.

I really thought I was going into that consult yesterday to find out the gory details about the surgery, and to plan ahead for recovery.

I feel a little blindsided, and more than a little disappointed.

The thing I expected the least, though, was to feel relieved.

And I do feel that.  Relief.

I really don’t want to have surgery.  I don’t know if I want to have surgery more or less than I want answers, however…

Basically, Dr. F brought me gently to a realization that I’ve been avoiding for a very long time.

I may never know what’s causing my infertility, and I may have to move on to IVF without that knowledge.  I may have to take the gamble, when all I want is to calculate odds and create the most level playing field possible.

I may have to just take the plunge.

Those, however, are decisions for another day.

Today, I’m going to relax.  I have permission to stop taking Metformin, as long as my cycle doesn’t start getting wonky, which means that I can eat what I want, have a beer now and again, and gain some weight back that I lost during the Metformin Bowel-Voiding Frenzy that accompanied that first two months on the drug.

Today, I’m going to order some Maca Root and Royal Jelly, overhaul my diet and eat well, but healthfully, and give my body a break from drugs.  I’m going to schedule a few massages, and maybe get back to acupuncture.

Today, I’m going to set up a dedicated bank account for IVF funds, and make sure that money makes it’s way in there every week.

Today, I’m going to keep in mind that my doctor, and every single other doctor I’ve ever seen, has told me that the broad majority of women with true unexplained infertility tend to get pregnant at some point… It just never seems to happen as quickly as they would like, and it oftentimes happens when they are not in an active medicated cycle.

Thankfully she didn’t tell me outright to “just stop trying”

I may revisit the idea of the lap… I will probably send my medical file over to another doctor or surgeon to review for a second opinion – not because I don’t trust my doctor, because I do trust her – but because I think it’s always smart to have more than one set of eyes looking at your case.

I feel a little adrift today, but also a little relieved.  I know that I don’t have all the time in the world to conceive, and that my eggs are probably getting crappier by the day, but today…?

Today I’m taking back my sanity.

At least for a little while.

 

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