Month: July 2013

Holy. Shit.

Of course this is the busiest workday OF MY LIFE, and I really shouldn’t be posting this now, plus I don’t have the proper time to fully express how amazing this is, but here goes nothin’.

You remember that RESOLVE contest, right?  Hope Award for Best Blog?

Right, that one.

And remember how this blog was nominated for that award, along with four other COMPLETELY AMAZING bloggers with infertility stories of their own?



Because of all of you and your votes, I assume…


I’m speechless, honestly.  I’m pretty much vibrating with happiness about this.

Here I was, all set to write about how much I hate my period today, and then something like this happens to bring me back down to earth.

Shit just got real, guys.

Really real.

Thank you all so much for your votes and words of encouragement!  I could NOT have found myself here without all of you!


Twist of the Knife


I’m going to go all whiny, dramatic, “woe is me”, bitchy bitchfest in this post. 

I’ll feel better about life tomorrow, but today?

Today sucks and I hate it and I’m going to vent.

You’ve been warned.

For the past two weeks, I’ve been working on a proposal at work.  It’s not part of my current job, but something I’ve been putting together in my down moments.  I’m proposing a new position within the company entirely, something I would build from the ground up.

Something I would create, mother, and love.

And hopefully something for which I will get paid a smidge more than I do now…

Now, aside from that, there’s been some changes in the office.  I have a new boss as of about two weeks ago as well, and I’m nervous about pitching such a large thing to her, considering that we haven’t worked together long, and I have a hard time reading her.

Regardless of the office upheaval and hesitancy I initially felt with the changes, I set up a meeting date with my new boss last week to go over my proposal.

It took some balls on my part to even set the meeting, honestly… I figured I’d just get into her office, hand her my well-organized agenda, and hopefully black out, waking up to find that I’d rocked the meeting and was now the Vice President of Something or Another.

That meeting was cancelled because of some Unavoidable Office Logistics issues.  I promptly rescheduled it for two days later.

That meeting was cancelled because of another Unavoidable Event.  To her credit, New Boss tried to reschedule for that afternoon, but couldn’t because I was leaving work early to attend The Most Disappointing Pre-Op Surgical Consult in History.

The meeting was then rescheduled a third time, for today.

I couldn’t sleep last night.  I was wired, having put some last minute tweaks on my proposal which included stats and numbers and effing spectacular data that no manager could possibly deny was useful and worthy of raises and vacation days and promotions.  Obviously.

I had picked out my outfit over a week ago – a brand new blazer, flattering t-shirt, and an only-vaguely Harry Potter themed lightning bolt necklace, and my bright red, five inch Self-Esteem Heels.

I made my breakfast for this morning ahead of time, so that I would be able to concentrate on my proposal and not on my stomach.

I got up this morning, showered, put on makeup with extra care, and curled my hair.  I put on my carefully planned outfit, grabbed my pre-made breakfast, and headed out the door, ready to rock this thing.

I got to my desk in a great mood, despite feeling the effects of a lack of sleep and some residual anxiety about my meeting.

But then a Series of Painful Ironies began to play out…

The office receptionist is like twelve months pregnant.  Or nine.  Whatever.  She’s a lovely girl, and the sweetest thing in the whole world, and I feel like she’s been pregnant FOR-EVV-ERRR.

For whatever reason, no replacement for her has been identified as of yet, but maternity coverage has been in the works for a few weeks.

She had her baby this morning, leaving the front desk unmanned.

I’ve been asked to fill in.  Apparently there is no one else.

Also, New Boss had Something Unavoidable come up, and won’t be here to meet with me today.  Again.

So not only am I not going to be able to pitch my ideas again, I’m feeling rather like I’ve received a demotion… Not that there’s anything wrong with being a receptionist – I’ve done it a time or two myself! – and while I am always happy to help out around the office with whatever comes up, it makes it hard to handle while I am sitting on these Big Plans of Mine.

Oh, and here’s the other thing.

This receptionist desk is covered with wedding, ultrasound, and maternity photos of the previous occupant.

All of these photos were taken within the last nine months.  Including the wedding photos.  I’m pretty sure she got pregnant her wedding night.  We are the same age.  Blerg.

Again, lovely girl, a friend to all – including myself, mad props to her fertile girl-parts, but DUDE.

So here I sit, staring at someone else’s successes while I wallow in my own self-pity.

I feel like this is yet another way that life is punishing me for my inability to procreate.

Oh, you’re cranky, barren, and would like a promotion?

How’s about you go sit at a desk where you’re expected to smile all the time, do a job that no one else wants to do, look at ultrasound photos that depress the shit out of you, and answer the “Ohhhh!  Did she have her baby??” question all day.  How’s that sound?

Oh, and if one more person says to me “Hey, are you the new receptionist?  I thought they were hiring someone!”, I’m going to start ramming my head into a wall.

Needless to say, I’m more than a little put out.

I’m feeling a bit like Milton today.

Someone took my stapler, moved me to the basement, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they just stopped paying me.

Okay.  Not really.  I’m being crazy and dramatic, and life isn’t all THAT bad, but you get the idea.





End rant.

Apologies for the lack of happy, sunshiny, glass is still half full even tough a bird crapped in it, positive mental attitude today.

I’ll be better tomorrow.

I promise.


Back To the Drawing Board…

Yesterday was my pre-op consultation for the diagnostic laparoscopy I have scheduled for late August.

Err… HAD scheduled for late August, I should say.

Yeah.  My doctor and her bulldog assistant effectively talked me out of having the lap.

Well, they talked me out of having the lap with them, for sure.  I haven’t made up my mind about the rest yet.

Before any of you get upset or start to demonize the good doctor, I can tell you that she’s coming from a place of honesty and realism.  She talked to me for a long, loooooong time yesterday, listening as I rattled off the finer points of multiple studies on laparoscopies in women with unexplained infertility, and gently explaining to me that no matter the outcome of the procedure, the next logical step in our journey is IVF.

It seems as though there are only two choices with this doctor performing the surgery:

One, she finds mild endometriosis, and removes anything that isn’t attached to important bits of my anatomy, such as the bowel, ovary, uterus, or fallopian tube.  Post surgery, the suggested treatment would be IVF if I didn’t manage to get pregnant on my own, which, let’s be honest, is not likely considering all of the other treatments I’ve tried that have failed, despite a good response.

Two, she finds moderate to severe endo, and leaves it alone.  Removal of endometrial adhesions that are more deeply attached to organs and tissues is more dangerous than it’s worth, and she won’t risk my organs to remove something that is, in the grand scheme of things, not causing me a terrible amount of discomfort.  Post surgery, the suggested treatment would also be IVF.


I feel cornered.

I really thought I was going into that consult yesterday to find out the gory details about the surgery, and to plan ahead for recovery.

I feel a little blindsided, and more than a little disappointed.

The thing I expected the least, though, was to feel relieved.

And I do feel that.  Relief.

I really don’t want to have surgery.  I don’t know if I want to have surgery more or less than I want answers, however…

Basically, Dr. F brought me gently to a realization that I’ve been avoiding for a very long time.

I may never know what’s causing my infertility, and I may have to move on to IVF without that knowledge.  I may have to take the gamble, when all I want is to calculate odds and create the most level playing field possible.

I may have to just take the plunge.

Those, however, are decisions for another day.

Today, I’m going to relax.  I have permission to stop taking Metformin, as long as my cycle doesn’t start getting wonky, which means that I can eat what I want, have a beer now and again, and gain some weight back that I lost during the Metformin Bowel-Voiding Frenzy that accompanied that first two months on the drug.

Today, I’m going to order some Maca Root and Royal Jelly, overhaul my diet and eat well, but healthfully, and give my body a break from drugs.  I’m going to schedule a few massages, and maybe get back to acupuncture.

Today, I’m going to set up a dedicated bank account for IVF funds, and make sure that money makes it’s way in there every week.

Today, I’m going to keep in mind that my doctor, and every single other doctor I’ve ever seen, has told me that the broad majority of women with true unexplained infertility tend to get pregnant at some point… It just never seems to happen as quickly as they would like, and it oftentimes happens when they are not in an active medicated cycle.

Thankfully she didn’t tell me outright to “just stop trying”

I may revisit the idea of the lap… I will probably send my medical file over to another doctor or surgeon to review for a second opinion – not because I don’t trust my doctor, because I do trust her – but because I think it’s always smart to have more than one set of eyes looking at your case.

I feel a little adrift today, but also a little relieved.  I know that I don’t have all the time in the world to conceive, and that my eggs are probably getting crappier by the day, but today…?

Today I’m taking back my sanity.

At least for a little while.



Soliciting Laparoscopy Info…

Hey friends!

My laparoscopy is a month from tomorrow, and my pre-op appointment with Dr. F, who will be performing the surgery, is on Thursday.

I don’t know what to expect from this appointment, honestly. 

I also don’t know what questions I should ask…

So I’m throwing it out to youse guys!


What should someone scheduled for a laparoscopy expect from a pre-op appointment?

What kind of questions should the patient ask the doctor?

Do you have any pre- or post-surgical tips you’d like to share?

Please comment below!  🙂


Stuff and Things

Hidee-ho there, neighbor-inos!

…Don’t judge me.  We’ve been discussing old TGIF programming at work lately.

Speaking of which, did you hear about THIS??  Awwwww yisssss!

Anyway, back to the Stuff and Things for which this post was created…

Firstly, the Stuff:

So, remember that one time when this little ol’ blog was nominated for a big honkin’ award?

Oh right, that’s NOW.

Today, July 17th (until midnight), is the last day to vote!  If you’re so inclined, please hop on over to the RESOLVE page and vote with every email address you have.  Please also read the other nominees’ posts, as they are fantastic entries!

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s discuss the Things:

If you’ve been in the Infertility Game for a while, you probably know all about the different online resources available for education and support.  I have a few of them singled out on my Infertility Resources page, but there are many others out there as well.

One of my favorite resources is FertilityAuthority.  The site has great informational articles, blog posts by real women with real feelings and real snark who are on this rollercoaster with us, and a really nice resource for locating a doctor or clinic in your area.  The best part about said resource is that you get connected with a real live person at FertilityAuthority, and they can help you find the best medical match in your neck of the woods.

This isn’t a sales pitch.  I hope it doesn’t sound like a sales pitch… Although if you are interested in utilizing said service, there’s a  widget in the sidebar that will notify someone over at FertilityAuthority to get in touch with you, and you can get the ball rolling right away!  So… sales pitch over, I guess.  🙂

I just love that there are organizations out there to help women going through the frustration of infertility, and FertilityAuthority is one of the best, in my opinion.

They also have a forums site called FertileThoughts, which is a great place to connect with others who are in exactly the same boat as you.  I’ve been a member for quite some time, and I’ve met some great people there!  If you’re interested in joining, there’s another badge in the sidebar to the right, and a link on the Infertility Resources page, that will link you right over.

Okay, so I told you all of that, to tell you this:

FertilityAuthority is going to be featuring this little ol’ blog as their Blog of the Week in the newsletter they put out called The Daily Shot!

WOO!  I’m excited to be featured, and even more excited to have this connection with an organization for which I have so much respect!

If you want to receive The Daily Shot newsletter (and read the Blog of the Week entry – I’ll be featured the week of July 23rd), you can click here to sign up, and to read the archives which contain a wealth of information and some fabulous featured bloggers.

So there.  Stuff and Things.  A little of this and a little of that, and a few links for good measure.

I hope there’s some information here that helps you!


Do you have any go-to websites for information, support, or blogs that we should all be reading? 

If so, please share them in the comments! 





Bloggy Updates

Howdy, folks!

Over the past week, I’ve received a few bits of constructive advice on this blogspace, and I’ve been working to make improvements.

Firstly, I now have a Contact Me page.  This should make it simple to get in touch with me no matter your social media preference!

Secondly, I have had a few new readers recently, and I’ve become increasingly aware of how difficult it can be to get caught up on this whole story without reading the entirety of the blog from the beginning.  Which, I understand, is a monumental task that even I don’t want to attempt.

Because I post some things of which I am proud, and some things which can be completely bypassed without affecting the telling of the tale, I wanted to come up with a list of the posts I think are important, educational, tell a story, or are just plain funny.

You can see that list here, under the Welcome menu, and if you’re new and are looking for a place to start, that’s the spot!

As always, thanks for reading, following, crossing-of-fingers, prayers, positive vibes, and your genuine loving support.  I do this for myself, honestly, but it’s so nice to know that in spilling my guts to the interwebs, that I reach other people going through similar trials in life.






Something has happened.

..No.  Not that.

Something else, though.

Something amazing.

Like bacon-dipped-in-Nutella amazing.

But maybe even better…

Do you remember back in April, when RESOLVE released its National Infertility Awareness Week theme for 2013, Join The Movement?

Every blogger and their infertile brother wrote a post (or posts) on their interpretation of said theme, including yours truly.

Well, the lovely folks at RESOLVE have been reading through those posts since early May, choosing their favorites and narrowing down their top five.

Top.  Five.

Out of over 130 other blogs submitted.

And guess what?

This blogger right here has been chosen as part of that group.

I am one of the top five nominees for the Hope Award for Best Blog!

I can’t even believe how amazing that is!

I’m just a girl who rants about her busted plumbing on the interwebs… I’m no one!  Nothing!

I’m just one of the barren masses!

I’m one in a whole slew of other women (and men!) doing the same thing, albeit they are expressing themselves more eloquently than I could ever aspire to do myself.

Apparently though, someone over at RESOLVE liked what I had to say… And I’m not arguing.

I’m honored and humbled and just plain happy about it.

Thank you, RESOLVE!

Now here’s the fun part, the part where you come in.

The winner of the Hope Award for Best Blog is chosen by the number of votes they receive from the public.

Voting opens Wednesday, July 10th, and one vote per email address is allowed.

Voting ends on July 17th, and the winner will be announced in August.

The winner of the Hope Award for Best Blog will win a trip to New York City to the 16th annual Night of Hope dinner in November, where they will be presented with their award in front of a big, fancy, dressed-up audience!

In New York!

An awards dinner, y’all!

Isn’t that just so fancy-schmancy you could die??

Needless to say, I’m pretty excited to be nominated, though I know that the competition is quite stiff.

The other nominees are inspiring bloggers and writers (one of them has written a book!), and I’m honored even to be on the same list with them.

I won’t pretend to be confident about my chances at this thing, but I know that I also won’t ever forget the realization that what I wrote meant something to someone; someone who thought it was worthy of sharing with the whole Infertility World, and possibly worthy of winning an amazing award.

That’s pretty terrific, right there.

And so, I am asking you, my friends, my family, my sisters of the busted pipes…

Will you vote for me?

Click here to go to the voting site, and be sure to read the other bloggers’ entries, too!

One vote per email address is allowed, and sharing of this link on social media is encouraged – any publicity for the infertile masses is a good thing, and these blog posts are the cream of the advocating crop!

Thank you all – so much – for your encouragement and support…

…And for your votes.

Because you love me.

Don’tcha?  😉

Nomination Badge


Cycle Number Three Thousand Four Hundred and Eleventy-Five – BUST!

Friday, July 5th, 2013.  CD1.

Hey, friends!

Guess what!?

My random Femara + leftover injectables cycle was a failure!

Are you surprised?

I’m not.  🙂

Well, I should tell you the whole truth of the situation…

On Tuesday, I felt like CRAP.  Like, I was pretty sure Aunt Flo was lurking around every corner, just waiting to jump out at me.  I knew it was a little early for her to show, but I was so convinced, that I didn’t take my progesterone that night.

On Wednesday morning, she still hadn’t shown.  I decided to pee on a stick before jumping in the shower, because as we all know, nothing makes your period arrive like taking a pregnancy test!  *insert eye-roll here*

When I got out of the shower, I grabbed the pee-stick and started to toss it in the trash, because I knew it would be negative.

Something caught my eye, though, and I held onto it for dear life.


It was faint, and I couldn’t tell if it had color or not, but IT WAS THERE.

I took another one.

Same result.

I attempted to remain calm, finished getting ready for work, and left the house with plans to buy a store-bought test on my way home.

Over my lunch hour, however, I started thinking about evaps – evaporation lines – that can occasionally plague the frequent pee-stick-tester with false hope.

Thankfully, Dr. Google is helpful in that he pointed me in the direction of Wondfo lot numbers that have been associated with bad batches of tests.

My batch was one of them.

Not to be deterred, however – because I COULD be the exception to the rule, you know! – I continued to test throughout the evening on Wednesday, and every pee I took on Independence Day was into a cup.

All of my tests were negative, with the occasional evap.

I even tested this morning, to be safe, and of course got the same negative result I expected.

Aunt Flo showed up promptly an hour later.

So, yeah.

That happened.

Let this be a lesson to you all…

Early testing is your choice, but you should know the risks.  Evaps are a very real problem, and while not everyone experiences them, they do happen more often than you’d think.

The only real way to avoid evaps or false results on an HPT is abstinence from pee-stickery.  If you think you might be pregnant, wait until your test date to find out, or know that you run a very real risk of a false positive, false negative, or general heartbreak at whatever results are held therein.

Please learn from my cautionary tale!

(And if you’re a hardcore pee-sticker like me, just know that nothing shows you how much hope you’ve been shoving deep down inside like the prospect of a BFP…)



Happy Friday, my friends.

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Summertime Sadness

A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.