Status

Empty Arms

It’s only fitting that National Infertility Awareness Week should coincide with what would have been my due date.

Nothing makes you more aware of your infertility than a baby you loved, but never got to meet.

***

Last August, the most amazing thing happened.

The pregnancy test strips I was using to test out the trigger from my first Femara/Menopur cycle started getting darker, instead of lighter.

I was pregnant.

It was amazing and terrifying and brilliantly exciting.

It was surreal.

In that moment, alone in my bathroom and surrounded by peed-on paper strips, I experienced more joy than I had in my entire life.

Our Gummy Bear was on his or her way, and I suddenly had everything I had ever wanted.

I didn’t know then that seven weeks later, it would all come crashing down.

I miscarried.

The miscarriage was physically, emotionally, and psychologically the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.

The physicality of it only lasted a few days, but there are some aspects from which I may never fully recover.

I was a mother that night, and the next morning, I wasn’t any more.

I was empty.

Today is my would-be due date.

Today is the day that I was looking forward to, so intensely, and for such a short period of time; it’s also the day I have been dreading for so long.

Today is when I remember the tiny life that never got to be, and yet was loved so incredibly much.

I’ll never forget my first baby.

Gummy Bear gave me hope that I may one day hear that faint heartbeat, feel kicks and flips from the inside, and hold a wiggly, screaming new life in my arms.

Today, although my belly is flat, my heart is broken, and my arms are empty…

I am still standing.

I am a mother today,

and I will have hope, always.

Just as I will hold that baby in my heart.

I will remember.

Celebrate.

Grieve.

Mourn and memorialize.

As long as I remember, my baby lives on.

Love lives on…

.

Always.

.

10.15

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17 comments on “Empty Arms

  1. Kitten
    April 26, 2013 at 9:21 am #

    Lots of love to you!

    Like

  2. Erin @ Will CarryOn
    April 26, 2013 at 9:34 am #

    You sum this up so beautifully. Abiding with you and sending strength.

    Like

  3. newtoivf
    April 26, 2013 at 9:48 am #

    so heartbreakingly beautiful xxx

    Like

  4. Amber
    April 26, 2013 at 10:57 am #

    I wish I could be there with you to go through this. I love you and am always here for you. We love you Gummy Bear.

    Like

  5. Kelly
    April 26, 2013 at 11:25 am #

    *hugs*

    Like

  6. cassiedash
    April 26, 2013 at 11:28 am #

    Beautifully written. Thinking of you today and in the days ahead.

    And P.S. You may not get to hold your child in your arms, but you’re still a mother.

    Like

  7. A Morning Grouch
    April 26, 2013 at 11:40 am #

    Thinking of you.

    Like

  8. Sarah Lynn Nadolny
    April 26, 2013 at 12:09 pm #

    That was so beautifully, tearfully written. Much love.

    Like

  9. Isabel
    April 26, 2013 at 12:54 pm #

    Beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. I know how it feels seeing your due date approach and only having questions as to why things happened this way.

    I wish you strength and hope in this difficult time.

    Like

  10. Anne
    April 26, 2013 at 1:03 pm #

    This is written so beautifully. It sums up all the feelings that go along with the painful experience of losing your first little miracle. Those feelings never go away, its been 4 years and my thoughts often drift to my first little miracle and how I lost her, but my heart held her long before I knew she existed inside me. My heart ac I’m sorry, my daughter got a hold of my phone and I’m not sure what she did but I’m sorry. hes for you and I pray you are granted another chance for motherhood very soon…. Sending you much love today and throughout your journey…

    Like

    • Anne
      April 26, 2013 at 1:05 pm #

      Ok, sorry,the apology I had to send to a lot if people got copied into ny comment… Oops. It says my heart aches for you, aches got split into two words…. I’m sorry.

      Like

  11. missohkay
    April 26, 2013 at 2:19 pm #

    Perfectly, devastatingly written. I’m so sorry.

    Like

  12. ksirahsirah
    April 26, 2013 at 4:21 pm #

    I know today is hard for you.. beautiful words you write..

    Like

  13. Theresa
    April 26, 2013 at 9:45 pm #

    Hugs to you momma.

    Like

  14. On Fecund Thought
    April 26, 2013 at 10:30 pm #

    Big hugs to you. I am dreading what would have been my due date (October 5th) and your words give me hope that I can be as strong as you by then. Thank you x

    Like

  15. jackie
    April 27, 2013 at 8:23 pm #

    Beautiful. Xoxo. My first baby was due 09/06/10.

    Like

  16. Melanie Early
    July 10, 2013 at 3:47 pm #

    Beautiful. I’m so sorry. Thinking of you.

    Like

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