Day: April 26, 2013
Status

Empty Arms

It’s only fitting that National Infertility Awareness Week should coincide with what would have been my due date.

Nothing makes you more aware of your infertility than a baby you loved, but never got to meet.

***

Last August, the most amazing thing happened.

The pregnancy test strips I was using to test out the trigger from my first Femara/Menopur cycle started getting darker, instead of lighter.

I was pregnant.

It was amazing and terrifying and brilliantly exciting.

It was surreal.

In that moment, alone in my bathroom and surrounded by peed-on paper strips, I experienced more joy than I had in my entire life.

Our Gummy Bear was on his or her way, and I suddenly had everything I had ever wanted.

I didn’t know then that seven weeks later, it would all come crashing down.

I miscarried.

The miscarriage was physically, emotionally, and psychologically the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.

The physicality of it only lasted a few days, but there are some aspects from which I may never fully recover.

I was a mother that night, and the next morning, I wasn’t any more.

I was empty.

Today is my would-be due date.

Today is the day that I was looking forward to, so intensely, and for such a short period of time; it’s also the day I have been dreading for so long.

Today is when I remember the tiny life that never got to be, and yet was loved so incredibly much.

I’ll never forget my first baby.

Gummy Bear gave me hope that I may one day hear that faint heartbeat, feel kicks and flips from the inside, and hold a wiggly, screaming new life in my arms.

Today, although my belly is flat, my heart is broken, and my arms are empty…

I am still standing.

I am a mother today,

and I will have hope, always.

Just as I will hold that baby in my heart.

I will remember.

Celebrate.

Grieve.

Mourn and memorialize.

As long as I remember, my baby lives on.

Love lives on…

.

Always.

.

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