Day: March 27, 2013
Status

Growth

A few weeks ago, I got two phone calls on the same day.

Not unusual, I know.

However, they were both pregnancy announcement phone calls…

Actually, because the calls were from people with whom I’m very close, the calls were both handled rather delicately, considering the subject matter, and the receiver of the news.

Actually, both of the calls were handled in exactly a way I’d want to hear that kind of news:  over the phone, and rather bluntly.

Look, if you’re going to tell me you’re pregnant (pregnant again, in both cases), then just do it already.  You know?  The beating around the bush, dancing around the topic, and general easing into it are not fooling anyone, let alone this particular Infertile, who suspects that EVERYONE is pregnant constantly.

Now, in both of these cases, I had expected the news to come at some point.  I can’t say that I was surprised, and I feel like I handled the phone calls rather well.

Then again, I think I always do.  No breakdowns till after we hang up, promise!

But then the strangest thing happened… I got off the phone, and I didn’t break down.

I was okay.  I was happy.

I was happy for these people I love, having siblings for their little ones.

I was happy that others don’t have the problems I do…

I can’t say that I didn’t feel that familiar old sting of jealousy, but it didn’t last.

I was okay.

I am okay.

I don’t know why I didn’t get upset… I usually do.

I just know that since that day, and those two calls, I have felt less… bitter.

It’s freeing, in a way, to know that I can be happy about babies again.  It’s nice not to feel like I have to run and hide from the pregnant girls in my office, or tune them out when I hear them talking about their pregnancies.

(Don’t get me wrong, if you complain daily about how much you hate being pregnant and how you can’t wait for this to be over, I will block your Facebook posts.  I mean, I’m strong, but I can only take so much!)

It’s nice to feel less negatively affected by others’ good news, but it worries me a little.

I think to myself, “Is this growth, or am I subconsciously giving up?”

Now I know how ridiculous that sounds, that just because I don’t feel so overwhelmingly ME vs. THEM lately, that must mean that I no longer want a baby so badly.  It’s just an evil little thought that’s crossed my mind…

And it’s not even a little bit true.

I do want a baby.  Several, if possible!  I know that the road to get to this point has been rough and fraught with potholes and grief, and there may still be a long journey ahead, but my desire to be a mother is definitely present, full and strong.

Maybe I am growing.  Maybe I’m learning to cope.

Maybe I’m just tired of being depressed about what others have and what I do not…

Maybe I’m so totally over living in fear of ultrasound photos popping up on Facebook.

Maybe I know now that since I’ve been to the bottom of the barrel, I can handle anything else life throws my way.

Maybe, just maybe, I will come out of this thing with everything I want, including my sanity, relationships, and my own family.

Maybe.

One day.  🙂

 

 

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