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Downward Spiral Into CrazyTown…

I hate taking a month off from trying to conceive…

As if it’s really a “month off”.

It’s mainly just a half-hearted attempt at getting pregnant the old-fashioned, unmedicated way, which I don’t really believe is going to happen.  Because my heart (and logic) (and memory of recent history…) really isn’t in it, we don’t try very hard.

Another thing that I hate is feeling… stuck.  Stagnant.

When I can’t move forward to the next medication or the next procedure or the next pee-stick, I start to look backwards.

I’m over-analyzing my “unexplained” diagnosis… I’m trying to get it “explained”.

I’ve had three doctor’s appointments and about twelve tests done in the past week.

I’m going back and forth between being sure I have some kind of infection for which I need broad-spectrum antibiotic therapy, and being suspicious that antibiotics in beef have caused a dangerous yeast overgrowth for which I obviously need treatment.

I’ve cut sugar, caffeine, and alcohol.

I’m seriously considering gluten and dairy, too.

Chemicals in plastic and household cleaners are obviously frying my ovaries, so those must go.

Probiotics or prebiotics?  Both?  Neither?

More vitamins are definitely the answer.  Expensive urine is better than a possible nutritional deficiency.

Oh, my blood work is all normal… again?  Why is my TSH level a little low?  I know it falls within normal limits, but what if it’s a fluke?

Let’s do more tests.  Yes, more.

Yes, I know it’s not necessary because my test results are normal.  Yes, I do still want more bloodwork.  A full thyroid panel, ‘kaythanks.

Can we do some STD testing while we’re at it?  No, I have no reason to think I have the clap, but what if I DO and it just never showed up on any other test or exam I’ve had in the seven or so years that the husband and I have been together??

And a repeat semen analysis, because I shouldn’t be the only one having this much fun.

*sigh*

I know what the real problem is…

I’m having a flare-up of the Infertile Crazies.

I’m self-diagnosing, self-treating, and generally just freaking out.  I’m consulting Dr. Google far more than I should.

It’s bad.  I think I’m scaring people.

I know I’m annoying my doctor… I think the next prescription they call in for me might be for Xanax.

 

…I’m sure that no part of this has anything to do with the fact that I am quickly approaching the four-year mark of this journey to motherhood.

 

I really hate failing.  I’ve always been able to accomplish most of the things I’ve taken on in my life.

I always aced tests, and usually without even studying.

I had pretty drama-free relationships in my younger years, and my marriage is strong and self-sustaining.

I have kept old friends, and make new friends easily.

I’ve worked my way into a professional niche that I both enjoy and at which I am fairly adept.

I’m attractive (if you’re into mouthy brunettes), have a little style when I try, and I’m relatively healthy and in shape.

So why – WHY?! – can’t I do this?

This one thing?!

This one thing that every trampy sixteen-year-old manages to do in the backseat of their boyfriend’s hand-me-down Cutlass Ciera??!

Why can I do everything I want to in life, everything I put my mind to, except conceive a child?

It’s cruel.  It keeps me up at night.  There must be something I’m missing…

 

So that’s what all this crazy is about.  I’m not used to being helpless.  And in this situation, I am so very helpless.

The only thing I feel I can control is the number of test results and facts that I get in front of my doctors.

Obviously I can’t control the crazy, so why bother?  I will just use it to feel like I’m making some sort of progress…

So I push for more.  Tests.  Procedures.  Answers.

And of course it will all pass as soon as next cycle’s meds show up on my doorstep.

The cycle of insanity will come to a close, if only temporarily.

At some point I might have to accept the fact that I may never know why this is happening…

But that day is not today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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19 comments on “Downward Spiral Into CrazyTown…

  1. ~kboo
    January 31, 2013 at 4:16 pm #

    Love the little cartoon! And not to add fuel to the fire, but…. these tests are for your husband, so at least no more needles for you: Sperm DNA Fragmentation and Karotyping. Oh wait, the Karotyping test is for both of you and is a blood test. But it’s just one vial, I believe. Anyway, these things are good to know… your hubby can have a perfect SA but the DNA fragmentation can show something you can’t see by just looking at the swimmers. Same with the Karotyping which looks for chromosomal issues.

    Also, I think it’s GREAT you are getting more testing done now… BEFORE moving on to (possibly) bigger steps.

    (((hugs)))

    Like

    • Tracy
      January 31, 2013 at 4:21 pm #

      I feel a little crazy, but I need the fuel (and the friendly shove in the right direction, sometimes.) 😉

      Thank you for those suggestions! I’m going to wait till tomorrow to call my doctor (again) with more requests, LOL.

      Like

  2. Amanda
    January 31, 2013 at 4:26 pm #

    Tracy, this sounds EXACTLY like me. Exactly. The only difference is that I’ve had the crazies for about 3 months now, so my doctors, nurses, friends, husband… everyone thinks I’m insane. Unexplained sucks. I mean infertility sucks, but unexplained infertility, that’s another whole level of sulkiness.

    Like

    • Tracy
      January 31, 2013 at 4:30 pm #

      I think maybe there’s something to be said for insanity in our case… I honestly don’t believe that Unexplained Infertility is a diagnosis! What is wrong with us, lol??

      My doctor probably deals with 20-40 patients a day. He can’t research every little thing wrong with each of them… We can research on our own, however, and call with questions. I’m lucky that my doc will humor me most of the time… perhaps one of these times we will hit the nail on the head.

      I sure hope we can figure this out, Amanda!! We sure do have a lot in common, in a completely unfortunate way. :/

      Like

  3. Erin
    January 31, 2013 at 4:30 pm #

    You are speaking my language! And now kboo’s comment has me thinking I need that sperm dna fragmentation test … I already have orders for the karyotyping. Otherwise my infertility is basically “unexplained,” too. Most recently I’ve convinced myself that green juice is the answer. Worth (another) try. 🙂 But at the same time I’m trying to be very chill about it, as over and over I keep hearing that anxiety puts the kibosh on fertility. Gah.

    Like

  4. Kristin
    January 31, 2013 at 4:54 pm #

    Jenny at the Stupid Stork just found out her husband’s semen doesn’t have a protein necessary to recognize the egg and then fertilize it. Really new research. Keep looking. You may find the thing that explains the “unexplained.”

    Like

    • Tracy
      January 31, 2013 at 4:57 pm #

      I am disturbingly fascinated by things like this… It’s morbid, really.

      Thank you for that info, though! I’m going to keep pushing! 🙂

      Like

  5. Priscilla
    January 31, 2013 at 5:41 pm #

    I just found your blog and your voice resonates within me so very deeply, I had to thank you for writing it, for putting it out there.
    We are beginning our 3rd year of trying to conceive, also with a diagnosis of “unexplained infertility”. I think the hardest part about what we’re going through is that it’s so intangible–“unexplained infertility”, is that really even a diagnosis? How do I treat and move past what I can’t identify?!
    I just want you to know there are strangers out there rooting for you, hoping with all their hearts you reach your goal soon–every infertile who joins the Mommy Club is a reason to rejoice, because that means there is hope for the rest of us, too!
    I hope this “break” is the breakthrough you need. 🙂 Keep blogging, you rock!

    Like

  6. Theresa
    January 31, 2013 at 8:32 pm #

    I’ve always thought that having unexplained infertility would have to be the most frustrating, and I know if I were in your shoes I’d be doing the same thing!!

    Like

  7. SM
    January 31, 2013 at 9:44 pm #

    Unexplained infertility really does suck. I’ve spent five years trying to find an answer to it and nothing showed up. Even my RPL is unexplained. I’ve had every test under the sun performed multiple times and nada. There’s got to be something there but I’m too tired of it all to keep fighting for an answer.

    Like

    • ~kboo
      January 31, 2013 at 9:51 pm #

      In addition to your RPL, have you had the full immune panel done through either Braverman or Sher? (I was also unexplained for nearly 3 years before going to Dr. Braverman…)

      Like

  8. Lauren
    January 31, 2013 at 10:58 pm #

    This post explains every single thing I feel on a daily basis; yet I have never been able to write it as witty and truthful as you did… thank you! And prayers that you get your answers soon!

    Like

  9. Ash
    February 1, 2013 at 4:08 pm #

    Can I tell you that I’m terrified of hearing “unexplained?” I’ve been told that I have PCOS, so that was fine by me as an explanation as to why my ovaries are non-compliant. My RE just stated that he thinks I’m on the low end of the PCOS spectrum. I have a feeling that if I don’t get pregnant soon, he’s going to use the U word. Crap. Do you remember how we were discussing words we don’t like? I’d like to add unexplained to that list. Ugh. Hang in there, dear. Hugs.

    Like

  10. Embe
    February 3, 2013 at 10:32 am #

    Hi!
    I’ve been reading your blog from start and I must say that I find your texts touching and inspirational.
    I can recognise myself in your story. I have PCOs and we have been ttc for two years. We finally got pregnant in november, without any medication. A couple of days before christmas, in week 10 we found out that we had twins, but that they had died in week 5 and 7. I did a d&c one week after. Now we are trying to recuperate and I’ve just got my ovulation started, one month after the procedure.
    Just wanted to send a hello from Sweden and tell you that I will follow your blog and keep my fingers crossed for you!
    Best wishes!

    Like

  11. journey2dfuture
    February 3, 2013 at 2:53 pm #

    I’ve have nominated you for a Sunshine Award!!!
    http://journey2dfuture.wordpress.com/2013/02/03/sunshine-award/

    Like

  12. Jess
    February 5, 2013 at 3:42 pm #

    Don’t worry, you’re not alone in CrazyTown. I’m there too. And I’m sure a lot of other women are too. Not that that helps to make it feel better, but at least we’re not alone. Your blog post really resonated with me and it gave voice to a lot of feelings that I’ve sort of been pocketing and ignoring this month.

    Like

  13. A Morning Grouch
    February 6, 2013 at 6:23 pm #

    Go for the xanax prescription over cutting caffeine, sugar and alcohol! And….won’t it be crazy when one day you don’t know all of your vitals like the back of your hand?! Hang in there!

    Like

  14. 2ndary IF BLOWS
    February 7, 2013 at 7:49 pm #

    So, I was wondering in all of your testing madness if you had had your vitamin D levels checked? When I first went to my RE that is one of the things that he checked and I ended up being deficient. So I started to take a supplement (2000 IU to get the level up then 1000 IU daily to maintain) and it made a big difference in the number of follies that I end up with:
    Cycle #1 – Chlomid 100mg – vitamin D 1000 IU – 2 follies – BFN
    Cycle #2 – Chlomid 150mg – vitamin D 1000 IU – 3 follies – BFN
    Cycle #3 – Chlomid 150mg – vitamin D 1000 IU – 3 follies – BFN
    Cycle #4 – Chlomid 150mg – NO vitamin D – 1 lonely follie – BFN
    Cycle #5 – Chlomid 150mg – vitamin D 2000 IU – 4 follies!!!! – in the TWW, so fingers crossed….
    Wishing you the best of luck in this journey. I know that you will get your take home gummy bear soon!

    Like

    • Tracy
      February 7, 2013 at 8:25 pm #

      Hmm, I will have to check! I’ve read a little about this, and it makes a lot of sense! Thanks, friend! 🙂

      Like

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