Just Keep Swimming…

Lately people have been asking me different versions of the same question over and over again.

Some out of concern, some out of curiosity, and some out of criticism.


“How do you keep going after so long?”

“Why haven’t you given up?”

“Don’t you think it’s time to move on?”

“What is it that’s keeping you so motivated?”

“How can you be sure this won’t all have been a waste of time?”


Well… I’ll be honest, folks.

I’m a stubborn-ass.

Okay, sure.  Tell me it can’t be done.  I’ll die trying to prove that I can.

Oh!  I’m wrong, am I?  Let me Google fifteen reasons why I’m right.

I should call it quits, huh?  Watch me go, and the road behind me burn.

I’m not a quitter, and just because others may question my motives and motivation, does not diminish my desire to trudge onward.

Not.  One.  Bit.

The fact that I’m a terrible quitter may lead you to believe that I may also be a doormat or a glutton for punishment.

That’s false.

I’m decisive.

When I make up my mind, that’s the law from that point forward.

I’m also practical.

I know when to cut my losses and walk away.

I’m balanced.

I’m a frugal gambler.

I’m an optimistic realist.

I have my head on straight, and I know how much I can take.

That’s what’s so hard about infertility…

Sometimes there are no answers.

Sometimes the only decision you have to make is which direction in the dark you’d like to stab.

Recently, I’ve thrown everything at stabbing in one particular direction, and I’ve hit a few walls.

I won’t give up, but I know that now is the time I should stop, collect myself, and decide if I should continue on in this direction.

After spinning in a few circles, I have stopped.

I’m gathering my wits.

I’m ready to reassess and move forward into the dark…

How do I keep going?

I just do.

I have to.

I would regret it every day of my life if I didn’t keep trying.

I trust that my life is in God’s hands, but I also can’t leave my life up to chance.

A very wise woman wrote me recently and said that if God placed the motivation to have a child within me, then God will bring that to fruition in his own way.

If he brings you to it, he brings you through it, as it were.

So I guess what I’m saying is this:

Yes, a Disney movie can provide a theme for keeping one motivated during a seemingly impossible journey.

Yes, I still watch cartoons.  Bite me.

And yes, sometimes I do hear Ellen’s voice after sex while willing those little man-swimmers to find the egg.


That’s totally not weird…

Anyway, that’s where I am right now.

Sink or swim.

And I have to just keep swimming.

9 comments on “Just Keep Swimming…

  1. rethagodbey
    January 24, 2013 at 10:49 pm #

    I love this!


  2. Lo
    January 24, 2013 at 10:55 pm #

    You’re totally not the only person who channels Ellen after sex. 🙂
    I’m cheering you on and I have a life jacket should you ever need it.


  3. Amelia
    January 25, 2013 at 3:10 am #

    Mutha effin WORD.


  4. Kimmy
    January 25, 2013 at 5:56 am #

    A friend reminded me the other day that sometimes we have to tackle the challenge to reap the rewards.


  5. Kelly
    January 25, 2013 at 6:47 am #

    Great post! I have always found your determination to be inspiring, and thats why I KNOW one day your prayers will be answered. They just have to be! Hopefully soon!


  6. wishing on a fertile star
    January 25, 2013 at 7:11 am #

    I sing the swimming song too! My husband laughed the first time..I was propped up on the pillow, legs in the air…I looked down(?) and singsong whispered it. Now sometimes he joins in.


  7. KimberlyKimberly
    January 25, 2013 at 12:21 pm #

    I love Finding Nemo and I laughed out loud about touching the butt! Your determiniation is impressive!


  8. Amber Smutny
    January 25, 2013 at 4:38 pm #

    You are truely an inspiration to those of us who are new to this and want to give up at the beginning. I look up to you and look forward to our children meeting some day. You are my hero!!!


  9. Jess B
    January 27, 2013 at 8:00 pm #

    Lots of love from H-town my friend!


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