Day: January 24, 2013

Just Keep Swimming…

Lately people have been asking me different versions of the same question over and over again.

Some out of concern, some out of curiosity, and some out of criticism.


“How do you keep going after so long?”

“Why haven’t you given up?”

“Don’t you think it’s time to move on?”

“What is it that’s keeping you so motivated?”

“How can you be sure this won’t all have been a waste of time?”


Well… I’ll be honest, folks.

I’m a stubborn-ass.

Okay, sure.  Tell me it can’t be done.  I’ll die trying to prove that I can.

Oh!  I’m wrong, am I?  Let me Google fifteen reasons why I’m right.

I should call it quits, huh?  Watch me go, and the road behind me burn.

I’m not a quitter, and just because others may question my motives and motivation, does not diminish my desire to trudge onward.

Not.  One.  Bit.

The fact that I’m a terrible quitter may lead you to believe that I may also be a doormat or a glutton for punishment.

That’s false.

I’m decisive.

When I make up my mind, that’s the law from that point forward.

I’m also practical.

I know when to cut my losses and walk away.

I’m balanced.

I’m a frugal gambler.

I’m an optimistic realist.

I have my head on straight, and I know how much I can take.

That’s what’s so hard about infertility…

Sometimes there are no answers.

Sometimes the only decision you have to make is which direction in the dark you’d like to stab.

Recently, I’ve thrown everything at stabbing in one particular direction, and I’ve hit a few walls.

I won’t give up, but I know that now is the time I should stop, collect myself, and decide if I should continue on in this direction.

After spinning in a few circles, I have stopped.

I’m gathering my wits.

I’m ready to reassess and move forward into the dark…

How do I keep going?

I just do.

I have to.

I would regret it every day of my life if I didn’t keep trying.

I trust that my life is in God’s hands, but I also can’t leave my life up to chance.

A very wise woman wrote me recently and said that if God placed the motivation to have a child within me, then God will bring that to fruition in his own way.

If he brings you to it, he brings you through it, as it were.

So I guess what I’m saying is this:

Yes, a Disney movie can provide a theme for keeping one motivated during a seemingly impossible journey.

Yes, I still watch cartoons.  Bite me.

And yes, sometimes I do hear Ellen’s voice after sex while willing those little man-swimmers to find the egg.


That’s totally not weird…

Anyway, that’s where I am right now.

Sink or swim.

And I have to just keep swimming.

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A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.