Month: January 2013

Downward Spiral Into CrazyTown…

I hate taking a month off from trying to conceive…

As if it’s really a “month off”.

It’s mainly just a half-hearted attempt at getting pregnant the old-fashioned, unmedicated way, which I don’t really believe is going to happen.  Because my heart (and logic) (and memory of recent history…) really isn’t in it, we don’t try very hard.

Another thing that I hate is feeling… stuck.  Stagnant.

When I can’t move forward to the next medication or the next procedure or the next pee-stick, I start to look backwards.

I’m over-analyzing my “unexplained” diagnosis… I’m trying to get it “explained”.

I’ve had three doctor’s appointments and about twelve tests done in the past week.

I’m going back and forth between being sure I have some kind of infection for which I need broad-spectrum antibiotic therapy, and being suspicious that antibiotics in beef have caused a dangerous yeast overgrowth for which I obviously need treatment.

I’ve cut sugar, caffeine, and alcohol.

I’m seriously considering gluten and dairy, too.

Chemicals in plastic and household cleaners are obviously frying my ovaries, so those must go.

Probiotics or prebiotics?  Both?  Neither?

More vitamins are definitely the answer.  Expensive urine is better than a possible nutritional deficiency.

Oh, my blood work is all normal… again?  Why is my TSH level a little low?  I know it falls within normal limits, but what if it’s a fluke?

Let’s do more tests.  Yes, more.

Yes, I know it’s not necessary because my test results are normal.  Yes, I do still want more bloodwork.  A full thyroid panel, ‘kaythanks.

Can we do some STD testing while we’re at it?  No, I have no reason to think I have the clap, but what if I DO and it just never showed up on any other test or exam I’ve had in the seven or so years that the husband and I have been together??

And a repeat semen analysis, because I shouldn’t be the only one having this much fun.


I know what the real problem is…

I’m having a flare-up of the Infertile Crazies.

I’m self-diagnosing, self-treating, and generally just freaking out.  I’m consulting Dr. Google far more than I should.

It’s bad.  I think I’m scaring people.

I know I’m annoying my doctor… I think the next prescription they call in for me might be for Xanax.


…I’m sure that no part of this has anything to do with the fact that I am quickly approaching the four-year mark of this journey to motherhood.


I really hate failing.  I’ve always been able to accomplish most of the things I’ve taken on in my life.

I always aced tests, and usually without even studying.

I had pretty drama-free relationships in my younger years, and my marriage is strong and self-sustaining.

I have kept old friends, and make new friends easily.

I’ve worked my way into a professional niche that I both enjoy and at which I am fairly adept.

I’m attractive (if you’re into mouthy brunettes), have a little style when I try, and I’m relatively healthy and in shape.

So why – WHY?! – can’t I do this?

This one thing?!

This one thing that every trampy sixteen-year-old manages to do in the backseat of their boyfriend’s hand-me-down Cutlass Ciera??!

Why can I do everything I want to in life, everything I put my mind to, except conceive a child?

It’s cruel.  It keeps me up at night.  There must be something I’m missing…


So that’s what all this crazy is about.  I’m not used to being helpless.  And in this situation, I am so very helpless.

The only thing I feel I can control is the number of test results and facts that I get in front of my doctors.

Obviously I can’t control the crazy, so why bother?  I will just use it to feel like I’m making some sort of progress…

So I push for more.  Tests.  Procedures.  Answers.

And of course it will all pass as soon as next cycle’s meds show up on my doorstep.

The cycle of insanity will come to a close, if only temporarily.

At some point I might have to accept the fact that I may never know why this is happening…

But that day is not today.










Just Keep Swimming…

Lately people have been asking me different versions of the same question over and over again.

Some out of concern, some out of curiosity, and some out of criticism.


“How do you keep going after so long?”

“Why haven’t you given up?”

“Don’t you think it’s time to move on?”

“What is it that’s keeping you so motivated?”

“How can you be sure this won’t all have been a waste of time?”


Well… I’ll be honest, folks.

I’m a stubborn-ass.

Okay, sure.  Tell me it can’t be done.  I’ll die trying to prove that I can.

Oh!  I’m wrong, am I?  Let me Google fifteen reasons why I’m right.

I should call it quits, huh?  Watch me go, and the road behind me burn.

I’m not a quitter, and just because others may question my motives and motivation, does not diminish my desire to trudge onward.

Not.  One.  Bit.

The fact that I’m a terrible quitter may lead you to believe that I may also be a doormat or a glutton for punishment.

That’s false.

I’m decisive.

When I make up my mind, that’s the law from that point forward.

I’m also practical.

I know when to cut my losses and walk away.

I’m balanced.

I’m a frugal gambler.

I’m an optimistic realist.

I have my head on straight, and I know how much I can take.

That’s what’s so hard about infertility…

Sometimes there are no answers.

Sometimes the only decision you have to make is which direction in the dark you’d like to stab.

Recently, I’ve thrown everything at stabbing in one particular direction, and I’ve hit a few walls.

I won’t give up, but I know that now is the time I should stop, collect myself, and decide if I should continue on in this direction.

After spinning in a few circles, I have stopped.

I’m gathering my wits.

I’m ready to reassess and move forward into the dark…

How do I keep going?

I just do.

I have to.

I would regret it every day of my life if I didn’t keep trying.

I trust that my life is in God’s hands, but I also can’t leave my life up to chance.

A very wise woman wrote me recently and said that if God placed the motivation to have a child within me, then God will bring that to fruition in his own way.

If he brings you to it, he brings you through it, as it were.

So I guess what I’m saying is this:

Yes, a Disney movie can provide a theme for keeping one motivated during a seemingly impossible journey.

Yes, I still watch cartoons.  Bite me.

And yes, sometimes I do hear Ellen’s voice after sex while willing those little man-swimmers to find the egg.


That’s totally not weird…

Anyway, that’s where I am right now.

Sink or swim.

And I have to just keep swimming.


Voodoo, Pt. 2

So… In keeping with what seems to be a theme this year

I got a psychic reading.

Well… Two, actually.

They were online, and I know they could be completely made-up crap emailed to me by people looking to make easy money by lying to strangers, but whatever… I got them.

The first reading was a fairly simple one, done by a lady named Sky:

Focusing in on an upcoming pregnancy for you I see the month of April being significant. This can be in reference to the month of April 2013 being conception or positive testing or the month of April 2014 being birth timing. I feel a girl’s presence associated with this pregnancy. 
To simplify things a bit more I see April as conception, positive testing or birth timing with a little girl.
The second reading was far more in-depth and took a bit longer to receive – maybe two weeks – and was done by a woman named Cheri:
Thanks for being patient with me while I got back to your reading. They are showing me MAY and GIRL so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in.

When it comes to your daughter, they are showing me someone who is always really fun. I just get the sense that she can turn any situation into something positive.. that she is the one that can look at a situation and always find the good in it.. always able to have fun no matter where she is, or even who she is with. I think that you are going to find her to be the type of person that you can always understand how loyal and loving she is. She is always this happy person who just really shines through. You can’t help but enjoy being around her because you know that she is always going to be fun.

She is always really creative. She can often just use some left over paper, and turn it into a fairy garden. Cutting up the paper and just making it into something wonderful. I am seeing you having a lot of pictures of the things that she creates. She is far more interested in things that she can create rather than something that she has to follow strict guidelines. You will find her to always prefer her own creativity than having to follow someone else. She is always going to be more of a natural leader. The one with the fun plans to suggest, the one with the confidence that its going to be great!

When it comes to career paths, they are showing her linked to working in a daycare center.

When it comes to marriage I am seeing her closer to 23. They will have two boys of their own.

So, I guess it sounds like a girl!  That’s actually completely in line with what I’ve always envisioned.  Everyone in my family seems to have a girl first, and even with Gummy Bear, I was feeling the girl-vibes.  I always have…

Obviously, both of the readings are showing a girl in the Spring.  I have no idea if any of this will come to pass, or if I even believe in this stuff at all, but let’s say for a second that it will, and that I do.

Here’s my scenario:

My April cycle should start around the 7th, with ovulation taking place around the 19th or 20th.  Implantation would take place before the end of the month, but my test date would fall around May 1st or 2nd…

Providing there was a BFP on the test date, and a girl-child in the womb, this scenario would easily prove both readings true…

Or… I get pregnant in August of this year, and my due date is in April of 2014… If my little lady proves to be as stubborn as her mama, she could push her birthdate back into May fairly easily, also proving both readings to be basically accurate.


Basically, I am grasping at straws.

Psychic voodoo straws.







So about today…

You know how some days you have basic underlying expectations of how a situation will play out?  Largely because you’ve been through it so many times before, and because you’ve never really had much variance from the usual end result…

Well my rendezvous with Doctor Dildo-Cam was like that.

Except when it wasn’t.

I went into the office like usual.  Sat in the waiting room, got called back into the office and showed to an ultrasound room, and asked to wrap up in a sheet like always.

As I sat on the exam table waiting for the ultrasound tech with the festive name to come in and prod me, I was surprised to find myself being nearly accosted by Nurse GrumpyPants, who had just spoken with my insurance company.

Apparently, 2012 was a year of feast, and the insurance bigwigs had come to the conclusion that 2013 would need to be a year of famine.  While my understanding was that insurance would pay for four injectable meds cycles, that was then, and this is now.  Three injectables cycles is the new lifetime max, and I have reached it.

The nurse gave me this news rather unceremoniously, and told me I had to make a decision RIGHT NOW.

With my pants off.

She agreed to let me think for a minute, alone in the same room where the doctor had confirmed my miscarriage, the room where my husband and I cried for our lost Gummy Bear, and left me to decide whether I wanted to pay nearly two grand today for an ultrasound and to get the medication fast enough, or skip this cycle altogether.

I thought about all the reasons to just go through with it…

At the top of my list was “Well, I already have my pants off…”, which is a thought that got me in trouble in college on more than one occasion, so ultimately I decided just to take a month off.

I was upset at first, but I immediately started to formulate a plan.  I’ll confirm that insurance will still pay for an IUI cycle, and if so, we will pursue that next month.  I’ll order and pay for the meds, and since I have more time, I will attempt to get them from overseas to save some moolah.  If insurance will pay for the IUI and monitoring, we can give that one last go before we start thinking about moving on…

In the meantime, I’m going to make the most of my “time off”.

I’ve already broken into a lovely bottle of Moscato that a good friend brought us for a housewarming gift, and I plan to indulge in some sinful caffeine tomorrow, too.  I’m even watching American Idol, which I know for a fact is bad for my health.

Life never really goes as planned, but sometimes a detour can take you places you may really enjoy.  I am hoping to enjoy the next month, and I’m excited to see what February has to bring.

Even when life is bad, life is still very good…



By the way, this is the smuttiest, most awesome cookbook ever. EVV. VERR.





Wednesday, January 16th, 2013.  CD2.

Well, if you hadn’t already figured it out, every Infertile’s favorite auntie showed up late in the day yesterday.

I’m pretty much miserable, and more than a little cranky that she showed so early, but there’s nothing I can do about that.  I spoke to the nurse this morning, and the doctor is recommending we escalate my treatment to an injects-only cycle with additional monitoring.

I brought up the possibility of an IUI, and he said that if my response looks good, he would be happy to entertain that idea.  The nurse said that the doc wasn’t concerned with a 10-day luteal phase, even though I tend toward a 12- to 13-day LP in most medicated cycles.  She said that each cycle, even with meds, can be very different and that one shorter LP is not reason to panic.  (Can you guess which nurse I was speaking with?  LOL)

So, I will go in for a baseline ultrasound tomorrow afternoon, and from there, I’ll start Menopur and monitoring every few days.

I was really hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but I suppose none of this is new territory for me.  I’ve had three injectables cycles, four IUIs, hundreds of shots, and thousands of blood draw needles in my arm.

This is just the natural progression, I suppose.

Well, natural for me.


I think people in my life wonder why we’ve been trying these methods for so long, and why we haven’t moved on to IVF or adoption…

First, IVF costs ten to fifteen thousand dollars, and that does not include medications with my doctor.  It also means a long, drawn out process including birth control, gallons of blood work, and invasive procedures.

Second, adoption can cost anywhere from fifteen to sixty thousand dollars, and that’s just domestic adoption of a toddler or older child within the US.  Try adopting an infant from overseas, and you can easily be looking at close to a hundred thousand dollar tab with airfare, hotel stays, meals, home visits, and international legal fees.

Third, both of these options take TIME.  IVF does NOT a guaranteed family make, and adoptions fall through all the time.  You can invest thousands of dollars and years of your life into something that can be undone in a moment.

I guess the long and short of it is that while I am tired and my faith in this process is in a constant state of flux, I am not ready to give up on these less invasive – and expensive – options just yet…

And so, onto the next option, full of hope and with high expectations.

…Same as always.




Temperature dipped below the coverline?

Cramps, pimples, and sugar cravings?

What could this mean, Ryan my love?




Monday, January 14th, 2013.  CD24, 10DPO.

I’ve been having some crazy dreams the past few nights, and last night was no exception.

I tossed and turned with some of the vivid situations playing out in my head, and then I just woke up.  From that point on, I think I just hovered on the edge of sleep and waking, and little wisps of sad dreams floated by until my alarm went off.

I feel like this restless night was probably a big part of the reason why my temp dipped so low today, but a small part of me hopes that maybe it’s an implantation dip.  (A slightly bigger part of me, that has the voice of my friend Kboo, knows that I shouldn’t count on temps at all during a medicated cycle, lol…)

The “dream” I was having just before I woke for good was not a happy one.

I was basically flipping through images of all of my friends and family, counting how many children they had all brought into the world since the husband and I started trying for a baby of our own in March of 2009.

It seems like hundreds.

Couples have met, dated, gotten engaged, married, honeymooned and then procreated in that amount of time.  We’ve just been stuck, stagnant, trying in vain for what seems so far away.

I try not to wallow, but when you’re dreaming, you’re a captive to your subconscious.

I woke up on that sad, bitter note, and I’m finding it difficult to trudge my way up out of the funk.

On a somewhat lighter note, I have continued to test out the Ovidrel trigger over the weekend, and can report that this morning’s test was so barely-there that I’m calling it a BFN.

Wondfo Progression 1.14.13

Wondfo Progression – Ovidrel 12 days past trigger/10dpo

Here’s hoping for some pink lines to wrap up the week…



Friday, January 11th, 2013.  CD21, 7DPO.


That’s how I’m feeling.

My temps are up where they should be, I guess, but nothing special is going on.  Meh.

My ladylumps (Yes, I still say ladylumps.  Deal with it.) are a little tender, but that’s normal for any cycle.  Meh.

I’m hungry all the time, but that’s probably just normal TWW hormones and a smidge of feeling-eating going on.  Besides, it’s too early for pregnancy symptoms anyway, right?  Meh.

I’m testing out the trigger, and today at 9 Days Past Trigger, that cursed line is still there, lighter than yesterday, but still nice and pink.  Meh.

I guess maybe I was hoping something magical would happen this cycle.  A beautiful implantation dip, boobs that hurt when you so much as look at them, tingling and prodding in the uterine area.

You know… something.


But no.

Just a whole lotta Meh.

Anyway, here’s a picture of the Wondfo test progression, as I know plenty of folks out there like to stalk.  🙂

Enjoy your weekend!


Ovidrel progression with Wondfos, 9 days past trigger, 7 days past ovulation




Monday, January 7th, 2013.  CD17, 3DPO

Howdy, friends!

I figured I should probably throw an update out to the masses, since I’ve been a lazy blogger the past week.

There’s not a whole lot to report, but I did get my FertilityFriend chart crosshairs today.  According to FF, it looks like I ovulated on Friday at some point and am now 3DPO.  I’m a little miffed at my alleged ovulation date, as I have almost always ovulated within 24 hours of triggering.  This cycle, I was still having lots of lovely EWCM even late in the afternoon on Friday!

It wouldn’t be a big deal if the husband and I had better timed out our “encounters”, however our success on Wednesday and Thursday lulled us into a false sense of security, and by Friday night we were both completely exhausted and it just didn’t happen.

Hopefully Thursday’s swimmers decided to hang out and catch a late train…. sheesh.

Aside from that, I’ve had some crappy side-effects from the meds increase this month, not the least of which is what the doc thinks is a mild case of OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome).  It definitely was a mild case, if that’s even what it was, but it was really, REALLY uncomfortable for a while.  I was told to weigh myself ever few hours and stay off my feet, which I did most of the weekend, all while drinking an ungodly amount of sports drinks with electrolytes.

I feel better today, but am now having some digestive issues that are making it difficult to keep a smile on my face.  At only 3DPO, I can’t really attribute this to anything related to my uterus, but part of me is hoping that some hormonal shift is taking place, and taking its toll on my tummy.

Despite everything that seems to have gone wrong this cycle, I do feel quite a bit more positive this month than last.  Sometimes I can’t quite fathom how I have managed to stay positive at all for this long…

For the next week or so, I’ll just keep plugging along.  I have lots of things to keep me busy at home and work, and I am temping and testing out the trigger (like a naughty girl!), so that gives me some feeling of control.  The holidays are over, and I am starting to feel sane again.

I will likely revert to Radio Silence late next week as usual, but I’ll keep you all as updated as I can until then!  🙂

Have a fantastic week, friends!



On New Year’s Eve, in the middle of the afternoon, I got a text message from my college suitemate.  I love her dearly, and she and I were pregnant at the same time, and miscarried within a couple weeks of each other.  Since then, we have been keeping each other strong and using each other

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Summertime Sadness

A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.