Status

Uncoordinated

Sunday, December 9th, 2012.  CD13, 1DPO…?

This cycle feels like it’s been a little bit of a fiasco already.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to get the exciting news of the TWO great-looking follies on Friday!

It just seems like my head hasn’t really been in the game…

Maybe I’m just experiencing what others call “relaxation”…?

HAHAHAHA.

No, seriously.  That’s not it… like, at ALL.

I’ve just been busy.  And preoccupied.  And wrapped up in so many other things.

Part of me wonders if I might be trying to protect myself from getting too attached to this cycle, especially as it’s our first official cycle of really trying, with meds and everything, after our miscarriage in September.

I just hope that whatever is going on with me isn’t some kind of self-sabotage.

Honestly, I’m scared.

I’m scared to death that this cycle is going well.

I’m terrified that it could work.

I’m horrified that I could possibly end up pregnant.

And it’s that point where the nightmare version of the story takes over… As if it wasn’t frightening enough possibly getting pregnant, the thought of possibly losing another baby is the worst thing imaginable.

I’m so used to hearing “No”, seeing “negative”, and getting “I’m sorry…” that I really don’t know what to do when things go well.

I want to be happy, celebrate, but I can never shake that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So far, it always has dropped.

I guess I just need to pray for flying shoes…

Anyway, I triggered yesterday morning and the husband and I had all of Friday night and Saturday together.  Technically, we should errrm… spend some time together today as well, but he is resting up for work, and I am heading out shortly to our nephews’ co-birthday party.  By the time I get home, he will be walking out the door, so I’m not sure if it’s going to happen or not.

In my theme of continuing the uncoordinated-ness of this cycle, I’ve sucked at temping.  I’ve been sleeping crazy hours and waking up at odd times.  It’s taking me some time to get used to being in the new house, and none of our things are placed exactly where they need to be yet.

I don’t have a nightstand.  My thermometer is always floating around the room somewhere (and yes, I even stuck it under the mattress a few nights).  I haven’t been the world’s best basal body temp-er, which is another reason why I feel so blah about this cycle.

Last cycle, the one where I got that spectacular BFP, I temped like it was my JOB.

I got that beautiful triphasic chart, and I was all over the FertilityFriend message boards analyzing every single thing.  Got a BFP.  Perfect.

Then we miscarried, and now I’m having trouble getting back into the swing of things.  I suck at temping.  I’ve stayed away from the message boards altogether, I’ve been slacking on my prenatal vitamins… I don’t even know if I’m going to test out the trigger.

Ugh.

Get it together, woman!

I’m trying.

I’m trying.

I’ll get there…

Maybe the off cycle is the one that sticks… who knows?

Either way, I feel like this Christmas is going to be a memorable one, as my test date is just a couple days beforehand.

I really don’t want to close out the year the same way as 2011.  And 2010.  And 2009…

Oh lord.

I just realized something great…

My test date is the Mayan Apocalypse.

 

HAHAHAHA… That’s just perfect.

Uncoordinated though it may be, I do love this quirky little life.  😉

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17 comments on “Uncoordinated

  1. linzelulu
    December 9, 2012 at 12:19 pm #

    what a relief to see someone else has the same feelings as I do this cycle! Thank you for sharing…

    Like

    • Tracy
      December 10, 2012 at 8:39 am #

      Sometimes it’s just so hard to get invested in something after so many disappointments, you know? I think it’s a perfectly normal feeling, but I do wish I could get excited about things again. Hang in there, friend!

      Like

  2. Erica (Temerity)
    December 9, 2012 at 12:31 pm #

    Keep the thermometer in your pillowcase 🙂 But honestly, a perfect chart and constant analysis isn’t what will make a cycle “work”… Do start taking your vits though! Best wishes for a sticky bean for your end-of-the-world present 🙂

    Like

    • Tracy
      December 10, 2012 at 8:41 am #

      The pillowcase! Great idea! 😀

      I just hope the timing was good enough… we had two encounters on trigger day, but the next day was a bust. I am taking my vitamins, but I just forget sometimes and miss a day here and there. I’m just not on my game this month. 😛

      Like

  3. Amber Smutny
    December 9, 2012 at 1:49 pm #

    Trace,

    I have been exactly the same. We are ready to try again and I could care less. Haven’t taken my pre-natals at all. I feel like a failure and why try if you are a failure. UGH!! I know we will both get back on the horse. I think it just takes some time and healing. I can’t imagine doing this all over again. Cheers to us trying again. May our loins be fruitful!!! Keeping you tucked in my pocket.

    Kisses,
    Amber Rose

    Like

    • Tracy
      December 10, 2012 at 8:42 am #

      Neither of us are failures, my love. I understand though… I hope this feeling of apathy and being so detached from the process passes over time, but nothing helps get your head back in the game like getting back on the field, I suppose. 😛

      Love you!!

      Like

  4. SM
    December 9, 2012 at 8:13 pm #

    I’ve lost interest in all that for my cycle too. I have a gut feeling it didn’t work so I’m trying to not get too attached. It’s not easy! Thinking of you!

    Like

    • Tracy
      December 10, 2012 at 8:43 am #

      I hope we are both wrong this month, but I am right there with you!! XOXO, friend!

      Like

  5. Amelia
    December 10, 2012 at 2:20 am #

    “I guess I just need to pray for flying shoes…”
    Awesome, I’ll be doing this for the both of us.

    Like

    • Tracy
      December 10, 2012 at 8:43 am #

      Prayers for us both! (((hugs)))

      Like

  6. Pumpkin
    December 10, 2012 at 7:47 am #

    If it makes you feel better, when you have monitoring and a trigger, temping isn’t necessary. In fact, the trigger shot may actually screw with your chart. I’ve been rather detached this cycle, as well (my first Femara + trigger). I had to check my FF app the other day to tell the nurse when my LMP was. For me, staying detached is my way of coping. I’ll still be sad when AF shows up, but at least I won’t have invested too much time and emotional energy into the cycle. Good luck to you!

    Like

    • Tracy
      December 10, 2012 at 8:25 am #

      I mean, I KNOW that I shouldn’t temp on meds… so many people, including my doctor, have told me to lay off, but it’s my tiny way of feeling like I have control over SOMEthing.

      And I’ll tell you what – my BFP cycle’s chart looked AMAZEBALLS. Like, perfect in every way. It was completely textbook. Maybe that’s why it failed…

      Maybe my ugly chart and detached-ness this cycle will be the right formula to a baby. FX for both of us this month!!

      Like

      • Pumpkin
        December 10, 2012 at 10:05 am #

        I had a hard time letting go of it, too, but I’ve found it to be very liberating to have someone else take control. I know no one really has any control, but it’s nice having a medical professional holding my hand and telling me what to do and when every step of the way. Keeping my FX that your ugly chart will turn into your beautiful BFP!

        Like

      • Tracy
        December 10, 2012 at 10:27 am #

        The other thing that I’m not used to is that this doctor doesn’t feel like he needs to do blood work monitoring with me. He thinks the labs from my records show a pretty consistent pattern, and he’s very happy with how I’ve responded to everything so far… I guess that’s maybe another reason why I haven’t been able to let go of the thermometer yet! 😛

        Like

  7. linzelulu
    December 10, 2012 at 12:46 pm #

    Control! You hit it on the head! It gives me a feeling of control too. I still temp even tho I was taking femara- which was good because I called my “o” day better than my RE did this time. He had my IUI set for a Friday and my temkp dropped on Monday and on Tuesday the stick showed a surge so it was rescheduled for that Wednesday

    Like

  8. Ashleigh
    December 10, 2012 at 8:12 pm #

    Sending you lots of good juju!!

    Like

  9. Jess
    December 13, 2012 at 10:17 am #

    I hope your test date comes and you pass with flying colors. 🙂 My test date is also the mayan apocalypse as well. I’m taking that as a sign. haha. I admire how open and honest you are with everything. And I wish you lots of good thoughts and and hope that this time you get a BFP and your take-home baby! I feel a bit the same way you do. Unsure how to feel about a BFP if it happens because the last time it happened for me, I too miscarried. But I’m trying to be “all in” and positive so we’ll see. Good luck!!!

    Like

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