Sunday, December 9th, 2012. CD13, 1DPO…?
This cycle feels like it’s been a little bit of a fiasco already. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to get the exciting news of the TWO great-looking follies on Friday!
It just seems like my head hasn’t really been in the game…
Maybe I’m just experiencing what others call “relaxation”…?
HAHAHAHA.
No, seriously. That’s not it… like, at ALL.
I’ve just been busy. And preoccupied. And wrapped up in so many other things.
Part of me wonders if I might be trying to protect myself from getting too attached to this cycle, especially as it’s our first official cycle of really trying, with meds and everything, after our miscarriage in September.
I just hope that whatever is going on with me isn’t some kind of self-sabotage.
Honestly, I’m scared.
I’m scared to death that this cycle is going well.
I’m terrified that it could work.
I’m horrified that I could possibly end up pregnant.
And it’s that point where the nightmare version of the story takes over… As if it wasn’t frightening enough possibly getting pregnant, the thought of possibly losing another baby is the worst thing imaginable.
I’m so used to hearing “No”, seeing “negative”, and getting “I’m sorry…” that I really don’t know what to do when things go well.
I want to be happy, celebrate, but I can never shake that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
So far, it always has dropped.
I guess I just need to pray for flying shoes…
Anyway, I triggered yesterday morning and the husband and I had all of Friday night and Saturday together. Technically, we should errrm… spend some time together today as well, but he is resting up for work, and I am heading out shortly to our nephews’ co-birthday party. By the time I get home, he will be walking out the door, so I’m not sure if it’s going to happen or not.
In my theme of continuing the uncoordinated-ness of this cycle, I’ve sucked at temping. I’ve been sleeping crazy hours and waking up at odd times. It’s taking me some time to get used to being in the new house, and none of our things are placed exactly where they need to be yet.
I don’t have a nightstand. My thermometer is always floating around the room somewhere (and yes, I even stuck it under the mattress a few nights). I haven’t been the world’s best basal body temp-er, which is another reason why I feel so blah about this cycle.
Last cycle, the one where I got that spectacular BFP, I temped like it was my JOB.
I got that beautiful triphasic chart, and I was all over the FertilityFriend message boards analyzing every single thing. Got a BFP. Perfect.
Then we miscarried, and now I’m having trouble getting back into the swing of things. I suck at temping. I’ve stayed away from the message boards altogether, I’ve been slacking on my prenatal vitamins… I don’t even know if I’m going to test out the trigger.
Ugh.
Get it together, woman!
I’m trying.
I’m trying.
I’ll get there…
Maybe the off cycle is the one that sticks… who knows?
Either way, I feel like this Christmas is going to be a memorable one, as my test date is just a couple days beforehand.
I really don’t want to close out the year the same way as 2011. And 2010. And 2009…
Oh lord.
I just realized something great…
My test date is the Mayan Apocalypse.
HAHAHAHA… That’s just perfect.
Uncoordinated though it may be, I do love this quirky little life. 😉
Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen... 