Month: December 2012

Starting 2013 With a Bang…

Monday, December 31st, 2012.  CD10.

So upon worrying myself sick about it, I decided to reschedule my monitoring ultrasound for today instead of Wednesday (CD12) because I was worried that by then I might be ovulating on my own and unable to tell if I had any mature follicles.

(Holy run-on sentence, Batman…)

I figured that since it’s a bit early, I probably wouldn’t have any good-lookin’ follies today, but it turns out that there’s a nice-sized 17.5 on the right!  I also have two 12-going-on-13s on the left that we are hoping will catch up by Wednesday (CD12) when I will trigger.  My lining is nice and thick, as usual, measuring a bit over 10 today.

I started the Menopur 150iu injections last night (in the bathroom at a really nice restaurant during a family dinner… of course), and other than feeling increasingly tired, that seems to be going well.  I’m hopeful that this double-dose will boost my twelves and make my seventeen a healthy, mature sperm-magnet.

On the downside, stress, lack of sleep, dehydration, Femara usage, and myriad other holiday-related issues have led to a bit of an irritation, which might make the next couple of days a bit uncomfortable.  I won’t let it deter me, however!  This isn’t the worst thing I’ve had to go through on this journey to a Take Home Baby, and I won’t let it stop me from trying my best this cycle.

I know how we will be spending the first few days of our 2013, and I have to say – not too shabby.  😉

I hope you all have a fantastic, beautiful, bountiful New Year, and that 2013 brings all of our dreams to light.

Thank you for reading, my friends.


Four Years…

Where I’m impulsive, he’s practical.

Where I’m weak, he’s strong.

He keeps me reined in, and I help him go completely overboard.

I kill the spiders and he shovels the dog poo.

Happy anniversary to the one who completes me in every way.

It’s been four years of extreme highs and lows, but we just get better every day.

I love you, husband.

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Does This Come With a Gift Receipt?

Sunday, December 23rd, 2012.  CD2.

Aunt Flo showed up early yesterday morning after prefacing her arrival with some nice cramping, exhaustion, and a wee bit of spotting on Friday evening.

I wasn’t at all surprised by her timing, as I figured she would choose the day my ENTIRE family arrived for an early Christmas in Toledo.


Oh well… we all made it through the day, although the witch woke me up at 5am yesterday with a solid uterus punch, and had me up this morning at 6am, so I’ve been like a zombie all weekend.

It’s been fun though, having family in town.  My parents and little sister came, and my brother, his wife, and their little lady.  We made dinner, snacked, played, opened presents, and snacked some more, and at this hour of the morning, everyone (but me, apparently…) is still sleeping.

We’re all going to brunch with the husband’s parents and grandmother a little later in the morning, so that should be fun.

In other news, this family visit has bumped my nesting instinct into high gear, and this place is starting to look like we actually live here!  I have things on the walls, the Christmas tree is decorated and all lit up, and there are groceries in the fridge.

It’s nice to be home.  🙂

Now, to attend to business…

It’s a good thing I called the doc to have my prescriptions filled early, because it all happened exactly how I had envisioned.  By the time I was full-flow yesterday, the office was closed.  They are also closed today, and will only be open for two hours tomorrow morning, which means that if I had had to wait to call in my CD1 until tomorrow, the chances of getting Femara on Christmas Eve may have been slim.

I picked up the Femara Nurse CrankyPants called in for me while at the grocery store yesterday, and will call them tomorrow morning to report my CD1.  I imagine they will have me start Femara tomorrow, and the Menopur on CD7.  When I spoke with Nurse CP on Thursday, she mentioned that they might be bumping up my Menopur a bit.  I’m not sure what that entails, but I guess I’ll find out tomorrow!

I’ve been thinking of making this an IUI cycle… We have one covered by insurance, and I feel like my response to the injectables has been getting better and better – so why not?  Besides, the husband’s new night shift starts after January 4th, and we won’t see much of each other five days out of the week… that doesn’t spell good timing!

Although, if I ovulate as early this cycle as I did last time, CD12-13 will fall during the end of the husband’s holiday break, so we may have good timing yet.

Maybe I’ll ask the doc if we can play it by ear, depending upon my response to the possibly increased injectables…

Anyway, I wish I had better news for you all than a really crappy early Christmas gift from Aunt Flo, but it was just as I had expected, so I’m not terribly surprised or upset.

Better luck next month, and better luck next year!

As we approach our 4th wedding anniversary, I can’t help but think that we have put in quite enough time on this baby-making project, and that we ought to be rewarded with an actual baby by next year’s anniversary… Right?

Come onnnnnnnnn, 2013!  I’ve survived the end of the world several times over, four years of trying to conceive, one horrifying miscarriage, and at least forty months of Big Fat Negatives.

This has GOT to be my year.




Radio Silence 3.0… Probably.

Wednesday, December 19th, 2012.  CD23, 12DPO.

I’m going into hiding for a few days.

Probably, anyway.

I don’t expect to have great news to broadcast this Christmas, largely because for a few days now, I have been feeling crampy and bloaty and just… Ugh.

Aunt Flo and her always-ironic timing are probably on their way, just in time for my family to arrive this weekend.

I suppose I should just join the camp where I hope Auntie shows her face as soon as possible so that Christmas Eve and Christmas Day aren’t completely miserable.

Anyway, I’m probably going to keep quiet for a few days, mostly out of lack of time to post, and partially because I might just not want to talk about how disappointed I am during the most jolly time of year.

If I’m not able to make it back here in time for Christmas, let me just convey my wishes now:

Happy ChristmaHanukKwanzaKuh!

May the season bring you love and light and blessings,

May your tampon drawer remain closed for many months,

May your pee-sticks have two lines,

And may your uterus be filled with joy and babies.  🙂

I love you guys. 


Please tell me this really exists…


Self-Loathing, Cramps, and Burger King

Monday, December 17th, 2012.  CD21, 9DPO.

I feel like crap.

I have cramps and I’m cranky and my angry uterus made me eat a disgusting Whopper for dinner.

And fries.

And  shake.

It was peer pressure, don’t judge me.


I also kind of hate myself for breaking down and testing this morning.  I know I’m not pregnant, but I just feel so lousy and like I haven’t even ovulated, so I wanted to test to at least see if the trigger was still in my system.

…Which I know is a little bit of a cop-out, because what did I think – the trigger was faulty?  There was just water in that syringe?


I just wanted to see a BFN this morning so I could be put out of my misery for the month.

I didn’t, though… There was still a faint positive from the trigger.

I still feel like crap, and my only hope is that Aunt Flo shows up before my family does this weekend…

So anyway, there’s my cheerful little update.

Stupid uterus.




I really need to clean out my purse more often.

I was just digging through looking for expired coupons and receipts from my trip to Atlanta (I really need to turn in that expense report!), and ran across a couple of crumpled old receipts from Labor Day weekend.

Lunch with my girlfriends, their little girls, and the husband in Frankenmuth.  A day when the best friend and I talked about how fun it was going to be being pregnant together.

Dinner with a good friend at a barbecue joint that turned into me puking all over his house in my first, and only, morning sickness episode.

Just when you think you’re moving on, finally getting it together, crumpled paper ghosts come from the depths of your purse to haunt you.


There’s no running or hiding from the past, I guess.  It shows itself when you least expect it, bringing you low from your busy, hectic life, and reminding you of what you once had, and the person you were.

The person I may yet be again.




You Suck.

Thursday, December 13th, 2012.  CD17, 5DPO.

I’m already losing faith in this cycle.

Testing out the trigger?

No.  Took the month off from that at the suggestion of my TTCBFF.  I miss it, and not feeling like I have control SUCKS.

My temps?

Low.  Like pre-ovulation-low.  Suck.

My symptoms?

Nonexistent, and therefore, suck.


So anyway, now that that’s out of the way…

How about some updates?

I don’t have much.  Like previously stated, this Two Week Wait has been pretty uneventful thus far.

My temps have been wonky and low, my boobs don’t hurt, and I don’t feel twingy like I did during my pregnancy/miscarriage cycle’s TWW.

The only thing that seems promising is that I’m freaking exhausted and I’m an eating machine.  I realize both of those are probably entirely due to the increase in progesterone I likely have due to ovulating two mature eggies this cycle, but still… that’s all I have to hold onto.

I’m hoping that this weekend will bring some higher temps and giant, painful chesticles to renew my hope, but we shall see.

For now though, I’m just trying to enjoy this bustling, chilly time of year.  The house is getting somewhere near order, I have Christmas shopping to finish this weekend, and my family is coming to Ohio to visit next weekend.

I’m thankful for our many blessings, and the blessed distractions that will (hopefully) keep me from obsessing about my every twinge and temp drop.

Happy holidays, everyone!  🙂



Fair Warning…

Monday, December 10th, 2012.  CD14, 2DPO…?

While I am feeling pretty iffy about our timing this cycle, and feeling pretty detached from the whole process in general, I am planning to still institute my “radio silence” campaign toward the end of next week.

I haven’t talked much with the husband about what we plan to do if this turns into a BFP cycle.

Will we tell everyone right away?

Will we wait till we see a beating heart?

Will we wait for the twelve-week “safe zone” to arrive?

I just don’t know.

We are still a little traumatized after our miscarriage, but one thing that helped immensely was the fact that everyone knew.

There were very few times that I had to tell anyone that I had miscarried, because we were very public with the news.  I feel like if it’s in the cards for us again this cycle, then maybe we should just come out with it immediately.

At least if everyone knew what was going on, we would have that support built in again…

Then again, my instinct is to play it close to the vest.  Not because I am ashamed of having miscarried, or because I want to keep secrets (because we all know that’s not my style!), but just because it seems easier to grieve in private… and yet, we value the support of everyone we know.


A conundrum, to be sure.

If I were a betting broad, I would say that the scales tip in the favor of being entirely public about the whole thing, whatever the outcome – BFN or BFP.

Plus, it’s difficult to keep secrets when you scrawl your woes all over the interwebs.  😉

And I don’t know what I’d do without all of you… I have never been a great secret-keeper, and I’m just not a very private person.  I like to share.

I may over-share from time to time.

Or all of the time.

But I like to feel that I am maybe helping one person to feel not so isolated in their feelings, or their journey.  This all sucks royally (by the way, am I the only one who feels like Princess Kate is a backstabbing hooker for getting pregnant before me??), and at least by sharing with all of you, I feel better.

Maybe you feel worse for reading it… but you have a choice to stop.  I have no choice but to go on, every day, whining about my barrenness.  You can just quit reading if you want…

But I bet you won’t.  I think you secretly like reading about my dusty uterus and adventures with prescription drugs and dildo-cams.

Thanks for sticking around you bunch of pervs.  🙂

I wouldn’t have it any other way!


Also, while searching for a funny picture of Princess Kate, I found this.






Sunday, December 9th, 2012.  CD13, 1DPO…?

This cycle feels like it’s been a little bit of a fiasco already.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to get the exciting news of the TWO great-looking follies on Friday!

It just seems like my head hasn’t really been in the game…

Maybe I’m just experiencing what others call “relaxation”…?


No, seriously.  That’s not it… like, at ALL.

I’ve just been busy.  And preoccupied.  And wrapped up in so many other things.

Part of me wonders if I might be trying to protect myself from getting too attached to this cycle, especially as it’s our first official cycle of really trying, with meds and everything, after our miscarriage in September.

I just hope that whatever is going on with me isn’t some kind of self-sabotage.

Honestly, I’m scared.

I’m scared to death that this cycle is going well.

I’m terrified that it could work.

I’m horrified that I could possibly end up pregnant.

And it’s that point where the nightmare version of the story takes over… As if it wasn’t frightening enough possibly getting pregnant, the thought of possibly losing another baby is the worst thing imaginable.

I’m so used to hearing “No”, seeing “negative”, and getting “I’m sorry…” that I really don’t know what to do when things go well.

I want to be happy, celebrate, but I can never shake that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So far, it always has dropped.

I guess I just need to pray for flying shoes…

Anyway, I triggered yesterday morning and the husband and I had all of Friday night and Saturday together.  Technically, we should errrm… spend some time together today as well, but he is resting up for work, and I am heading out shortly to our nephews’ co-birthday party.  By the time I get home, he will be walking out the door, so I’m not sure if it’s going to happen or not.

In my theme of continuing the uncoordinated-ness of this cycle, I’ve sucked at temping.  I’ve been sleeping crazy hours and waking up at odd times.  It’s taking me some time to get used to being in the new house, and none of our things are placed exactly where they need to be yet.

I don’t have a nightstand.  My thermometer is always floating around the room somewhere (and yes, I even stuck it under the mattress a few nights).  I haven’t been the world’s best basal body temp-er, which is another reason why I feel so blah about this cycle.

Last cycle, the one where I got that spectacular BFP, I temped like it was my JOB.

I got that beautiful triphasic chart, and I was all over the FertilityFriend message boards analyzing every single thing.  Got a BFP.  Perfect.

Then we miscarried, and now I’m having trouble getting back into the swing of things.  I suck at temping.  I’ve stayed away from the message boards altogether, I’ve been slacking on my prenatal vitamins… I don’t even know if I’m going to test out the trigger.


Get it together, woman!

I’m trying.

I’m trying.

I’ll get there…

Maybe the off cycle is the one that sticks… who knows?

Either way, I feel like this Christmas is going to be a memorable one, as my test date is just a couple days beforehand.

I really don’t want to close out the year the same way as 2011.  And 2010.  And 2009…

Oh lord.

I just realized something great…

My test date is the Mayan Apocalypse.


HAHAHAHA… That’s just perfect.

Uncoordinated though it may be, I do love this quirky little life.  😉


Double Trouble!

Friday, December 7th, 2012.  CD11.

I just got back from my first – and only! – monitoring appointment for this cycle.

Apparently double the Femara plus a few days of Menopur was just the trick!

I have a follicle measuring 17 on the left, and a 17.5 on the right (that NEVER happens!!), so just one more Menopur injection tonight, trigger tomorrow morning, and then scrambling the eggs all weekend.  😉

I’m starting to think maybe that astrologer was onto something…

Oh God… I hope he was.

XOXO, friends!

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Summertime Sadness

A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.