Day: November 22, 2012
Status

Giving Thanks

Ohhh… the holidays.

The end of each year is rife with days where it is expected that you reflect on the year past and how life has treated you.  Days where you count your blessings, and put your hopes for the coming year out on the table for all to see.

The holidays can be difficult for Infertiles and miscarriage survivors.

Not only were our hopes for the past year – or years, in most cases – never realized, but sometimes they were turned into nightmares from which we have not been able to awaken.  The loss of a child, no matter how early or late in the pregnancy, or even after said child has entered the world safely, is not something upon which anyone wants to reflect, and certainly not something for which we should be expected to give thanks.

However, I fully believe that despite how hearing it ad nauseam from people in my life makes me want to throat-punch someone – Everything happens for a reason.

I believe in a higher power.  I believe God is directing this shit-show from above, and in my life and the life of my child, he saw something that caused him to take my child early.  I may never know what that reason was while on this earthly plane, but that’s what faith is, right?  Blind belief in something you cannot see.

I believe that my miscarriage happened for a reason.  Perhaps it was to make me into a stronger person.

Check.

Perhaps it was to make my marriage into an impenetrable force which cannot be rent asunder.

Check.

Perhaps it was to make me realize that life is not always fair, and some of us have to work harder than others for things to which we think we are entitled.

Check.

Perhaps it was to instill in me the patience of Job.

CHECK.

Perhaps it was to make me write this post, listing reasons my life does not suck and things for which I am thankful…

Check.

Life, God, has been good to me.  I have more than many people will ever have.  I know I have things that others wish and dream for, like a very solid marriage where my husband is truly my best friend and biggest supporter, and a relationship with both our families where I know that we could go to them with anything, and they’d be ready to help in a moment’s notice.

We have good, stable jobs.  I love my job.  I have coworkers who are true friends.  I have some friends who have become coworkers.  My place of employment and its cast of characters is quickly becoming another family.

We have a roof over our heads… Two, actually!  We are in the process of moving from our apartment into a beautiful house!  This transition could never have happened if not for some serious help from family.  We are very grateful and count ourselves truly blessed to have this opportunity.

There are so many things to be thankful for, and yet we still want.  We want to fill that new home with children.  Two maybe?  Okay, even just one would be amazing.

We want our families, friends, and die-hard supporters to stick with us as we start treatments again… probably as soon as next week!

We want Christmas to bring celebration, not sadness.

We want 2013 to be the year we become parents who get to parent, and not just parents who get to grieve.

For all that we have, for all that we have been given, allowed, blessed with, we still want.  It’s the nature of the beast, I suppose, but want isn’t just selfish hoarding of material things.  Want also creates motivation and hope.

We desire these things, and therefore we are motivated to work for them.  We have hope and faith that we will be blessed in the future, just as we have been in the past.

For all of the blessings, the joy, the sorrow, the grief, the hope, and the faith, we are thankful.

I am thankful for my life, sadness, loss and all, and I am thankful for you.  Without support, without kind words and kicks in the rear from the readers here, I would never have been able to make it this far in my nearly four-year journey to have a child.

To my readers, my friends:
 
May your holiday be filled with warmth and kindness and carbs and pie, and may your families just embrace you with love and not tell you to “just stop trying so hard”. 
 
May you find yourself truly thankful for all that you have in life, and may whatever heavy disappointment and grief from the past year be lightened enough this day that you are able to enjoy yourself.
 
May whatever diet to which you’ve been subjecting yourself be put on the back burner, next to the gravy.  May you lose track of your caloric intake as well as your wine consumption.
 
And finally, to those of you who are still trying to conceive this holiday season, may your turkey be basted to fruition.
 
Happy Thanksgiving, my dear friends.

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