Status

Bittersweet

My best friend is having a baby.

Have I mentioned this?  I must have at some point…

Anyway, she found out she was pregnant about a week before I did in August, making her due date about 10 days earlier than mine was.  It was exciting to be pregnant together, even though this was her second child and she and I had started trying at the same time nearly four years ago.  We were even talking about having our ultrasound tech friend perform our gender scans at the same time so we could find out together what our babies would be.

And then I miscarried.  My baby died.

Thankfully, hers is still healthy…

Now I feel like it’s hard to talk to her… Not at all because she makes me uncomfortable about her pregnancy – it’s quite the opposite, in fact.  When we talk, she doesn’t bring up her pregnancy at all, and I feel like a jerk when I hang up for not asking how she is feeling, or what’s been happening in that regard.

I know she doesn’t think I’m a jerk, and I know she gets how awful the miscarriage was, and I’m sure that she understands how difficult it must be for me to hear about her milestones when I know that’s where I should be – would have been – too.

I got a text from her last night, letting me know that baby # 2 is another little girl.

I thought Gummy Bear was a girl, too.  They would have been besties, just like us.

I was so sad last night… I try really hard not to have pity parties for myself, but that just caught me off guard.  I know that Thanksgiving is going to go by in a blur because of the move, but I think that once we are settled in the new house, Christmas is going to be a little tough.  Holidays that are all about children are difficult to navigate for us Infertiles, and even more so for recent miscarriage survivors.

I had plans for this cute pregnancy test Christmas tree ornament and everything.  Ugh.

Maybe I’ll just gold-plate a Menopur vial and hang that on the tree…

At least December will bring back the cycling routine, and with it, the feeling of working toward that take-home baby once again.

To my friend, if she is reading:  I love you, and I love your kiddo and that new baby girl you’re carrying.  Life is hard, and you’ve known me for most of mine.  I will get better, one day.  Until then, please stick with me and know that I’m really trying.

Every day I walk that razor-thin line between “happy for you” and “sad for me”.

Someday things will be less bitter, and more sweet.

Someday… hopefully soon.

 

13 comments on “Bittersweet

  1. pennstatekelly
    November 20, 2012 at 6:36 pm #

    I’m so sorry you’re going though this.

    Like

  2. Amber Rose
    November 20, 2012 at 7:04 pm #

    I just want to hold you!!! I feel your pain and it sucks!! There is no better way to say it… FUCK YOU YOU SUCK!!! (the pain not your friend of course) The bittersweetness of it could not be more bitter for you but the sweetness will come with time. The big thing is that your friend understands and is still sticking by you. I love you and I will always be here for you to talk to!!!

    Like

  3. jenne
    November 20, 2012 at 8:00 pm #

    I walked the fine line of jealous of you/happy for you/sad for myself for a very long time! I understand your feelings and I’m sending hugs your way! XOXOXO

    Like

  4. Theresa
    November 20, 2012 at 8:13 pm #

    Hugs.

    Like

  5. danielletoendure
    November 20, 2012 at 11:57 pm #

    I’m so sorry! That is sooo hard. I would feel the exact same way. Sounds like she is a great friend for being so understanding too! So good to have good friends who give us time to heal and breathe and feel what we need to feel.

    Like

  6. B
    November 21, 2012 at 12:48 am #

    Oh this is so tough… 😦 I know that line all too well. And I’ve been in this position before. I won’t lie, it was hard watching my friend’s pregnancy progress after mine ended. And when she gave birth it opened up the wounds all over again. Not in the way that I didn’t want these good things for her, but in the way that it reminded me of where I should have been, where I desperately wanted to be.
    I’m sending you so much love T.

    Like

  7. cassiedash
    November 21, 2012 at 1:26 am #

    I know these feelings so well. I have a friend (not a bestie) who is due one week before I should have been. That baby is about to be born and mine will not be. Not to mention my sister who conceived about three months after I did. It’s a very tough position to be in and every infertile has to face it at some point — sometimes over and over again. I’m so sorry, but I hope you know you’re not alone in this. Many, many hugs to you, my friend.

    Like

  8. Kelly
    November 21, 2012 at 8:44 am #

    Hugs to you! Praying your day comes VERY soon.

    Like

  9. A Morning Grouch
    November 21, 2012 at 10:04 am #

    In some ways I think it is so much harder when a really good friend ends up pregnant, and you’re not. Don’t beat yourself up about feeling badly – it just is hard. Hang in there and good luck in the December cycle.

    Like

  10. Heather
    November 24, 2012 at 10:46 pm #

    Trace, sorry I am just getting to read this. I don’t even know how to respond…..but I can’t stop crying. Just know how hard that text was to send too. I didn’t want to send it because of the thought that flashed through my mind before I sent it “she would have just been finding out the sex of her baby too.” However, you have been, and always will be, my best friend. It wouldn’t be real, and I wouldn’t be as happy, if I didn’t tell you. You are such a part of me that, unfortunately, you have to bare the sadness with the happiness in this case. I wish I could shield you from it, but I can’t, and I knew you would be even more sad if I didn’t tell you and you had to find out from facebook. You actually were my very first text after I found out, and my heart clenched as I hit send. Just know that I love you, and I wish I could take all of the sadness and hurt you feel away or even bare it myself. I know you are trying, and I don’t blame you EVER! I know we don’t talk like we used to partly because of all of this, but just know that I am trying tooand we will get through this just as we have gotten through eveyth

    Like

  11. Heather
    November 24, 2012 at 10:49 pm #

    it wouldn’t let me write anymore, lol. I just wanted to say, we will get through this just like we have gotten through everything else we have been through….with love and the most understanding that we can muster!! I love you and support you always! 🙂

    Like

  12. Heather
    November 24, 2012 at 10:51 pm #

    …and yes, they would have been besties too! 😦

    Like

  13. Heidi
    November 26, 2012 at 2:13 am #

    Heather and Tracy, I love you both so much! I’m crying too because I understand how delicate the situation is when one outcome is joyful and the other is devastating. Tracy, just so you know, one day I WILL be honored to tell you the gender of your take home baby and take as many cute baby ultrasound pictures you can stand!

    Like

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