Month: November 2012

That. Just. HAPPENED.

Some of you may know that I am a little bit of a crazy astrology-follower…

This is today’s astrological forecast on the site I follow –

 Wednesday, November 28

High energy. Green lights. A Full Moon and Lunar Eclipse, exact at 8:46 AM, puts an emotional charge into our lives this morning.

This is a time of harvesting, concluding, deciding and finishing matters. Helpful is Venus aligned in harmony, a sextile, with powerful Pluto, exact at 10:01 AM. This pair of planets quietly open the door to understanding and agreement on Wednesday—reach out.

This is an excellent day for important meetings and appointments. The topper is the Moon meeting lucky Jupiter in the heavens at 7:04 PM.

Luna turns Void of Course a minute later but it won’t matter as astrological skies remain friendly for the rest of the evening hours.


I commented with this:

 Today is the day we finalize the paperwork on our new house, and the day I start a brand new round of fertility treatments hoping for the child we’ve been trying for nearly four years to conceive. I hope this alignment and Full Moon are going to be helpful in these endeavors!


And this is the astrologer’s response:

 The signs are all favorable, Tracy, and both of us wish you the best. The Full Moon in Gemini suggests twins! You’d better come up with two names…


GAH!  I hope he’s right, but WHOA, lol.


Luna and Leo? 😉




New Protocol Update

Wednesday, November 28th, 2012.  CD2.

I spoke with the nurse at Dr. K’s office this morning, and the new protocol has been decided.  I will just double my dosage of Femara, taken CD3 – CD7, and then continue the same dosage of Menopur CD7 – CD11.  I will have a monitoring ultrasound on CD11 and then see where that takes us…

The hope is that the tweaked protocol this month will yield a BFP like the last cycle, but with follicles that mature more quickly than last time.  The doc said that the only thing he didn’t like about my BFP cycle was the fact that it took so long for my follicles to ripen.  I didn’t trigger until CD17, and I didn’t ovulate until CD18, which was three to four days longer than Dr. K would have liked, considering the medications I was on.

I also asked about CD3 blood work monitoring, and should be getting a call back later today about it.

Let’s hope this month, and this tiny tweak, is just what my body needs to get going on a successful, healthy pregnancy that gives me that Take Home Baby I so desperately want…



She’s Baaaa-aaaack… And Early!

Tuesday, November 27th, 2012.  CD1.

Guess who just stopped by our new house?

…That aunt we all love to hate.

Yes, her.

She’s here.  EARLY.

Very early, actually!  Until she showed this afternoon, today was CD28… Which means I ovulated on CD15 (probably) and had an almost completely average-length cycle for a normal human!  And without medication, too!

Uhh… WHAT?!

That NEVER happens!!

But okay, I’ll just go with it.

I feel like death, but the husband is out getting me a pizza and we are almost completely moved into our new house.  Things are coming together nicely, if slowly, and it’s feeling more and more like home every day.

Having the pets here and our belongings properly covered with animal hair helps on that front.  Heh.

So, with the arrival of Aunt Flo, I called Dr. K’s office and left them a message letting them know that I was ready to get this cycle started, and that they could call me to discuss this month’s medication protocol as soon as they could.

This is what I figure will happen:

  • Femara.  Again.  Probably double the dosage.
  • Menopur.  Again.  Possibly a tweaked or slightly increased dosage.
  • Ovidrel trigger.  Again.  I assume this will be the same as always.

I know Dr. K expressed some concern about increasing the injectables too much in the past, saying something like “That’s how you end up with triplets!”… Gah!

I trust his judgment, however, and will go with whatever he suggests.  I may request more blood work than in the last cycle, though… I had no baseline blood work last cycle, and no mid-cycle blood work, and no progesterone check, which is a kind of blind faith in the human body to which I’m not accustomed.

I know I said it before and wimped out, but I may ask for a little extra monitoring this go-’round.  We shall see.

I hope you are all doing well out there, and that the impending Full Moon is treating you better than it’s treating me! Perhaps my cycle starting on the Full Moon will bring some lunar fertility this way… Let’s hope, right?

Thanks, as always, for visiting!



Giving Thanks

Ohhh… the holidays.

The end of each year is rife with days where it is expected that you reflect on the year past and how life has treated you.  Days where you count your blessings, and put your hopes for the coming year out on the table for all to see.

The holidays can be difficult for Infertiles and miscarriage survivors.

Not only were our hopes for the past year – or years, in most cases – never realized, but sometimes they were turned into nightmares from which we have not been able to awaken.  The loss of a child, no matter how early or late in the pregnancy, or even after said child has entered the world safely, is not something upon which anyone wants to reflect, and certainly not something for which we should be expected to give thanks.

However, I fully believe that despite how hearing it ad nauseam from people in my life makes me want to throat-punch someone – Everything happens for a reason.

I believe in a higher power.  I believe God is directing this shit-show from above, and in my life and the life of my child, he saw something that caused him to take my child early.  I may never know what that reason was while on this earthly plane, but that’s what faith is, right?  Blind belief in something you cannot see.

I believe that my miscarriage happened for a reason.  Perhaps it was to make me into a stronger person.


Perhaps it was to make my marriage into an impenetrable force which cannot be rent asunder.


Perhaps it was to make me realize that life is not always fair, and some of us have to work harder than others for things to which we think we are entitled.


Perhaps it was to instill in me the patience of Job.


Perhaps it was to make me write this post, listing reasons my life does not suck and things for which I am thankful…


Life, God, has been good to me.  I have more than many people will ever have.  I know I have things that others wish and dream for, like a very solid marriage where my husband is truly my best friend and biggest supporter, and a relationship with both our families where I know that we could go to them with anything, and they’d be ready to help in a moment’s notice.

We have good, stable jobs.  I love my job.  I have coworkers who are true friends.  I have some friends who have become coworkers.  My place of employment and its cast of characters is quickly becoming another family.

We have a roof over our heads… Two, actually!  We are in the process of moving from our apartment into a beautiful house!  This transition could never have happened if not for some serious help from family.  We are very grateful and count ourselves truly blessed to have this opportunity.

There are so many things to be thankful for, and yet we still want.  We want to fill that new home with children.  Two maybe?  Okay, even just one would be amazing.

We want our families, friends, and die-hard supporters to stick with us as we start treatments again… probably as soon as next week!

We want Christmas to bring celebration, not sadness.

We want 2013 to be the year we become parents who get to parent, and not just parents who get to grieve.

For all that we have, for all that we have been given, allowed, blessed with, we still want.  It’s the nature of the beast, I suppose, but want isn’t just selfish hoarding of material things.  Want also creates motivation and hope.

We desire these things, and therefore we are motivated to work for them.  We have hope and faith that we will be blessed in the future, just as we have been in the past.

For all of the blessings, the joy, the sorrow, the grief, the hope, and the faith, we are thankful.

I am thankful for my life, sadness, loss and all, and I am thankful for you.  Without support, without kind words and kicks in the rear from the readers here, I would never have been able to make it this far in my nearly four-year journey to have a child.

To my readers, my friends:
May your holiday be filled with warmth and kindness and carbs and pie, and may your families just embrace you with love and not tell you to “just stop trying so hard”. 
May you find yourself truly thankful for all that you have in life, and may whatever heavy disappointment and grief from the past year be lightened enough this day that you are able to enjoy yourself.
May whatever diet to which you’ve been subjecting yourself be put on the back burner, next to the gravy.  May you lose track of your caloric intake as well as your wine consumption.
And finally, to those of you who are still trying to conceive this holiday season, may your turkey be basted to fruition.
Happy Thanksgiving, my dear friends.



My best friend is having a baby.

Have I mentioned this?  I must have at some point…

Anyway, she found out she was pregnant about a week before I did in August, making her due date about 10 days earlier than mine was.  It was exciting to be pregnant together, even though this was her second child and she and I had started trying at the same time nearly four years ago.  We were even talking about having our ultrasound tech friend perform our gender scans at the same time so we could find out together what our babies would be.

And then I miscarried.  My baby died.

Thankfully, hers is still healthy…

Now I feel like it’s hard to talk to her… Not at all because she makes me uncomfortable about her pregnancy – it’s quite the opposite, in fact.  When we talk, she doesn’t bring up her pregnancy at all, and I feel like a jerk when I hang up for not asking how she is feeling, or what’s been happening in that regard.

I know she doesn’t think I’m a jerk, and I know she gets how awful the miscarriage was, and I’m sure that she understands how difficult it must be for me to hear about her milestones when I know that’s where I should be – would have been – too.

I got a text from her last night, letting me know that baby # 2 is another little girl.

I thought Gummy Bear was a girl, too.  They would have been besties, just like us.

I was so sad last night… I try really hard not to have pity parties for myself, but that just caught me off guard.  I know that Thanksgiving is going to go by in a blur because of the move, but I think that once we are settled in the new house, Christmas is going to be a little tough.  Holidays that are all about children are difficult to navigate for us Infertiles, and even more so for recent miscarriage survivors.

I had plans for this cute pregnancy test Christmas tree ornament and everything.  Ugh.

Maybe I’ll just gold-plate a Menopur vial and hang that on the tree…

At least December will bring back the cycling routine, and with it, the feeling of working toward that take-home baby once again.

To my friend, if she is reading:  I love you, and I love your kiddo and that new baby girl you’re carrying.  Life is hard, and you’ve known me for most of mine.  I will get better, one day.  Until then, please stick with me and know that I’m really trying.

Every day I walk that razor-thin line between “happy for you” and “sad for me”.

Someday things will be less bitter, and more sweet.

Someday… hopefully soon.



The Madness

Tuesday, November 20th, 2012.  CD21, 6DPO… I think.

I’ve been a bad blogger.

But it’s not without good reason… I’ve been busy!


I spent most of last week preparing for, and traveling to, and tromping all over Atlanta.  It was a whirlwind four days, but the trip was successful from both a business and fun standpoint.

I honestly didn’t get to see much of the ATL other than the inside of my very nice hotel room (and subsequent view from the 53rd floor), and the inside of the gigantic conference center where I spent most of my time.  The parts I did see were great, however!

I did NOT get to spend enough time in that bed, but when I did, I slept RIGHT. IN. THE. MIDDLE.

The night view from the 53rd floor of the Westin Peachtree Downtown

And the morning view

And this guy was outside the front door. Classy.

On Thursday night, I met up with a couple of friends who live in town and they took me out to a fantastic burger place called Vortex Burger.  I love going to local places instead of the typical chain joints, and I always like to order something different, and regional if possible.

During the course of the weekend, I had some genuine southern pulled pork, bison pot roast, grits, sweet tea, and more Coca-Cola than this Pepsi girl could handle.  Oh, and during the one fancy-schmancy dinner paid for by the company, I ordered a steak as big as my face.  And ate most of it, too.

I think it was a brontosaurus steak, but I can’t sure…

And so, at Vortex, I ordered an Elvis Burger:

I still dream of this meat masterpiece.

This bad boy was a third-pound burger with peanut butter, fried bananas, and bacon.

And it was DELICIOUS.

That lovely experience was followed by a trip to what was described to me as a “dive bar”, but what turned out to be a small drinking establishment in the filthy basement of a fifty-year-old hotel that’s long since been condemned by the health department.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Oh, and they had dancers.  That were older than the building.

Guess who was given the gift of a table dance for her inaugural visit to the Dirty South?


Her name was Porche, and she kindly explained to me the best times to buy specific gemstones from the Home Shopping Network.

…While mostly nude.


Contrary to popular belief, I do still speak with these friends.  😉

Anyway, back to business.  The conference itself went very well.  It was extremely busy and there was very little downtime during the day, but the websites and social media outlets I’d created for the event worked perfectly and our booth was the talk of the show.  It was really a fun experience, but I was super happy to fly home on Saturday night.

I spent about four hours in the airport waiting for my late flight to leave, and after three gate changes, I finally boarded around 10:30pm.  I was alone in my row for most of the boarding, but at the very last minute, a rather corpulent gentleman was escorted to the seat directly next to me, effectively pinning me against the window.

Now, far be it from me to judge anyone because of their weight, but this guy was something else… He asked for a seat belt extender, and when it was explained to him that he can’t have a belt extender in the exit row of the plane for the safety of the other passengers, he proceeded to swear and grumble and shift himself around until he could squeeze into the regular seat belt.

He then produced some really smelly food from his carry-on, and the whole plane instantly smelled like sausage.


I tried to sleep, but every time I dozed off, Mr. Big would have some kind of snoring-sleep-apnea attack and snort and choke and flail his giant, meaty arms all over, nearly maiming me in the process.

Ugh.  Good times.

Thankfully, the husband came to pick me up at the airport and I was able to relax a little during the hour-long car ride home.  I slept for probably ten hours late into Sunday!  It was great to be back in my own bed!

It’s a relief to be home, but now the chaos is all home-related.  We are in the process of moving into the new house this week, and the movers come for the furniture on Friday.

Oh right, and Thanksgiving is in there somewhere too…

I’m super excited to move, but I know how tiring the process can be.  All of this madness makes me glad I didn’t try to cycle this month.  I am pretty sure I ovulated the day I got to Atlanta, so that wouldn’t have worked out anyway…

Curious, though… If my calculations are correct, I ovulated on CD14 – like a “textbook female”!  Weird!

Let’s not get excited, though.  I was traveling and have been terrible at keeping up with temping, so I’m honestly not sure if that’s right.  I do expect Aunt Flo by the end of the month, however, and am hoping to start cycling again then.

Oh yay, another medicated birthday!  😉  This year will give a whole new meaning to the term “birthday shots”, haha.

Anyway, it’s been a crazy week or so around here, and I’m sorry for the NOVEL you just had to read (or maybe you skimmed… I would have skimmed.  I don’t blame you for skimming.).  I swear I will try to keep up on the updates and post pics of the new house soon!

In the meantime, please have a wonderful Thanksgiving, friends!




Got totally Julia-Goulia-ed out of my window seat, and am now sitting between a woman with a crying baby and a woman who hates crying babies…



Make It Stop!!

November 11th, 2012.  CD12.

I’m terribly sorry I haven’t posted a darn thing lately…


Why did I think it was a good idea to prep the new house for move-in by the end of the month while I’m so busy with work and will be traveling most of this week?

Oh, and then there’s Thanksgiving.

Yeah… that.

So here’s my schedule for the next couple of weeks, just so you can see why I’m thisclose to a mental breakdown:

Paint rooms at the new house (thanks a TON to my in-laws for their help with that!  I’m a a terrible painter!!)

Pack up the whole. damn. apartment.

Buy a whole bunch of stuff like carpet and furniture so the new house won’t be empty.


Tackle the ever-growing Mount Saint Laundry that’s slowly spilling out of my closet and threatening to decimate the rest of my sleeping habitat.  I blame global warming.

Pack my bags and fly to Atlanta at the ass-crack of dawn on Wednesday.

Spend Wednesday through Saturday performing manual labor, standing around smiling and being friendly all day, and wearing a really ugly shirt – all difficult tasks for me.

Meet up with a good friend, and hopefully make time for a fun outing… details to come.  😉

Fly home sometime really, REALLY late on Saturday night.

Arrive home sometime really, REALLY early Sunday morning.


(Oh, and at some point while I’m in Atlanta, away from the husband, I should ovulate.  Of course.)

Back to work for a few days…

Pack and move in the evenings…  Somehow find the time to schedule utilities to be set up and transferred…


Black Friday = MOVING DAY (officially… so long as the movers are available…)

WHIRLWIND THANKSGIVING WEEKEND – Move, party, visit, arrange, rearrange, unpack, settle…


And then…?

OMG.  It’s December.

How the F**K did that happen??

And you know what that means, right?

…The big 3-2 falls on 12-2.


So anyway, you can see that my mind is working a million miles a minute right now trying to process all of the chaos in my life.

I suppose it was a good thing that the doc kept me from attempting a medicated cycle this month…

Bring it on, December.  I’m ready for my birthday, Christmas, the anniversary, and a whole pile of meds!


Oh, and after putting in all of this effort in November, I will be really, REALLY mad if the Mayans were right about this whole apocalypse thing.



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Summertime Sadness

A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.