Day: October 12, 2012

Closed Doors, Open Windows, and the Hallways In Between

When God closes a door, he opens a window, but it sure can be Hell in these hallways!

I love that quote.

It says that even when something doesn’t go as expected, there is always another way.  The path to that “other way” can sometimes be dark and scary, but have faith because it’s out there!

I have found myself in these dark and scary hallways a lot in the past few years.  I always thought that the path to the next appointment, or next doctor, or next blood test was wearing me down, but I may have been wrong about that.

The hallways are where I’ve found myself… My true self.


I realized yesterday that I was thankful for something I never thought I would be:  Infertility.

You see, my dear friend lost her baby just a few days after I miscarried.  She was just a week or so ahead of me in her pregnancy, and she had a D&C a few days after they found that there was no longer a heartbeat.

Yesterday, while she was crying in the waiting room of her OB’s office, surrounded by pregnant women and babies, I found myself thankful that even though I’ve had to endure so much, at least everyone in my doctor’s office understands.

I felt terribly for her, and wished that although she does not have a fertility issue, she could come see my doctor.

The women in the waiting room are not pregnant, or at least not visibly so.

They don’t bring children with them, if they even have them at all.

They smile sadly when you walk in, acknowledging that we are all members of an elite sisterhood of survivors.

The doctors and nurses don’t ask mundane questions like “How are you?”; instead they ask specifics like “Do you want to talk about how you’re handling your miscarriage?” and “How are you really feeling about trying again?”

The situation my body has put me in has also put me in a special setting when it comes to getting, and staying pregnant.  Everyone takes greater care not to ask the insensitive questions, and that is very reassuring.

I’m thankful for that, at least.

And to my friend who had to endure the meat-market OB visit yesterday… My heart goes out to you.

I’ll say to you the only things that have helped me:

I am so sorry.

You are so loved.

Your baby mattered.

This will always be with you, and I will always be here to listen.


Sometimes the worst things in your life end up being your defining moments in the end.

Although I am still navigating the rough waters of infertility and miscarriage, they have ultimately turned me into an iron-willed warrior and given me a better idea of who I really am.

I am strong.

I am a survivor.

I will not fail.

I’ll come out on top.

I am not defined by what I’ve lost, but rather by what I’ve gained because of my losses.


Look out, world…

I might be stuck in the hallway right now, but when I find that damn window, I’m going to fly right through.  🙂


Shootin’ Blanks

Friday, October 12th, 2012.  19DPMc.

Well, it finally happened…

I’m finally shootin’ blanks!

…On the HPTs, that is.


That last one on the bottom is from this morning, and is, thankfully, negative.  Yesterday’s result still showed the faintest of lines, so I decided to wait on getting my final beta drawn.  Unfortunately, I was running late this morning and half my team at work is out sick, so I decided to wait until Monday to have that last blood draw of the cycle.

It really should be zero by Monday, if it’s not already.

I’m ready for zero.

On the plus side of things, I’ve stopped bleeding and spotting altogether.  The horrible nausea also seems to have slowed down… nothing like getting morning sickness for the first time AFTER your miscarriage, eh?  Ugh.

I feel almost normal these days.  Aside from the occasional migraine, but the frequency there might be slowing down, as well.

So we’re on the other side of the storm…

Now what?

I suppose now we wait.

Wait for this cycle to pass, wishing away a month until we can start over again?

Wait for time to tick away, hoping it takes some of the sadness and uncertainty with it?


If I have to wait a month (or even longer) to try again, then I’m going to spend the next month living.

There’s a lot going on in this grand live the husband and I lead, and we are going to focus on that.

We may not have been so fortunate in the fertility department, or in keeping our baby once we managed to get pregnant after so long, but we are fortunate in so many other ways.

Happy Friday, friends!  🙂


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A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.