Month: October 2012

What a Scream…

Wednesday, October 31st, 2012.  CD1.

While the events of last night were hilariously timed, today’s have been far less amusing.

I stayed home from work today with the usual-but-markedly-worse-than-usual Cycle Day One horrors – cramps, nausea, diarrhea, and awful fatigue – and am now attempting to work a bit from bed.

I also called Dr. K this morning to let him know that Aunt Flo was in the house, and the nurse called me back a couple of hours later to let me know the verdict.

I can start meds NOW!  WOO!

So here’s the treatment plan:

Dr. K is doubling my Femara, which I will take for five days, followed by six days of Menopur, and then an ultrasound on the 12th to check on the follicle growth.  They expect me to trigger on the 14th or so…

Sounds great!

Only one problem… I’m leaving for Atlanta, sans husband, on the 14th.

Not gonna work.

UGH.  SOOOOOOO close, and yet so far away.

Sounds like it’ll be December after all before we can attempt another medicated cycle.

Boo.  Aunt Flo’s a whore.

Happy Halloween, indeed.  😦






Oh hey, remember that one time when I was going to pick up meds to jumpstart my cycle so we could get back to trying to knock me up?

Well that was today, and I picked up those meds tonight.  I rushed home to take them, too.

I was more than a little surprised to find Aunt Flo waiting for me when I got there…

Really?  Really?! 


So now I wait.  I’m not sure what this means… Will I start Femara in a couple days, or do I need to wait another month?

  Only time will tell, and I’ll call the doc on the morning.

In the meantime… Wow.  Periods suck. 

Like, a lot.  I think I’d sort of forgotten… Thankfully, I was able to scrounge up some Midol!

Now to attempt sleep… Wish me luck. 



Uhh… Okay!

Tuesday, October 30th, 2012.  38DPMc.

So yesterday I called into Dr. K’s office and spoke with Nurse Grumpypants, who I am learning is not actually grumpy, just in a hurry.  She’s actually very nice, and when I can speak with her longer than a minute, very helpful as well.

I called to ask when would be the appropriate time to ask for help in getting my next cycle started.  It’s been well over a month since the miscarriage, and I’d been bleeding and spotting for close to a week before that even took place.  All in all, it’s been probably 45 days, give or take, since the start of my last bleed.

The nurse said that was plenty of time to have waited, and she would get a prescription for Provera called in for me.

“But wait… have you taken a pregnancy test?”

Uhh.  Noo… But I also didn’t think I’d ovulated since the miscarriage either, so I haven’t felt the need to do so.

I told her that, and she asked me to take an HPT and call her back to let her know the results.


Do you wanna know what the test said?


LOL… Sorry.  I find inappropriate things to be funny, and I guess joking about being pregnant is as pregnant as it gets for me these days.

So anyway, the nurse called in a prescription for Provera for me this morning.  I’ll start taking it tonight for ten days, and when I stop, Aunt Flo should come a-callin’.

The nurse said for me to call when I start bleeding, and I was confused.

So I’m like “Do you mean when I start bleeding in ten-ish days, or when I start bleeding in a month and ten-ish days?”

She says, “No sweetie, when you start bleeding in ten-ish days, you will need to call us so we can start ordering your meds for the medicated cycle.”

Uhh… Sorry, what?  “I’m confused.  (obviously I thought I had to have a full bleed and complete cycle before I could start meds again?”

“Well usually, yes, but since you’re taking the Provera, we consider that a cycle reset.  You can start meds in mid-November or as soon as you start bleeding.”

And then I’m all like “WOO HOO!”

Nurse Grumpypants actually laughed.

I’m kind of excited.  And nervous.  And straight-up worried about the timing of things, considering I’m going to Atlanta for four days in mid-November.

But this is a start.  A reset.

Something to look forward too, rather than sitting here stagnant, wondering when I might feel normal again.

Bring it on.  🙂


A Month and a Day and a Memory

Wednesday, October 24th, 2012.  32DPMc.

Soooo… not a whole lot new here.

Still alive.

Still healthy.

Still no Aunt Flo.

What the French, toast?

I guess I’ll just… hang out?  Wait for her to arrive?  Assume that she’s going to come as soon as I have something fun or important planned?

Yeah.  Sounds like her.


In other news, yesterday was the one month-iversary of my miscarriage.  It was a sad day for me, but also an empowering one.  I am talking about this openly in my real life.

At work, at home, with family and friends… Even with people I’ve just met.  It doesn’t really make me the life of the party or anything, but people know I was pregnant.  People know that although my baby isn’t at home with me, I am still a mother.

It’s a little awkward sometimes, but then again, so am I… so it works.

Also, I have been thinking about a tattoo in memory of my Gummy Bear.  I called the artist who did my last tattoo a couple of weeks ago to discuss some ideas with her, and she said she would call me back to set up an appointment.

Well, she called last night.

And had an appointment cancellation, leaving a slot open for me… tonight.

Sooo… this is it.

On my wrist… out in the open. The feathers may fly away, but a piece of my heart will always go with them.

Gummy Bear doesn’t have a nursery or a baby book, a grave stone or ashes, but I will always have this reminder that my baby was real.

My baby lived.

My baby was loved.

Rewind :: A Lesson in Patience and Conversational Spanish

This is a post I wrote as a guest blogger back in April 2011. I came across it recently, and thought it was worth sharing here… even if just to compare life then to life now. Normal then, and the new normal. Enjoy! Like many of you reading this article, my husband and I have

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Monday, October 15th, 2012.  22DPMc. I got the call from Dr. K’s office this afternoon… My hormone levels have finally dropped to zero. How appropriate that this day, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, is the day the HCG is finally out of my system. It’s a bittersweet day. I’m sad that my pregnancy is

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Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today, we remember.

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Three Weeks Gone

Sunday, October 14th, 2012.  21DPMc. This week would have been the end of our first trimester. We would have announced our pregnancy publicly.  Maybe today, maybe later in the week. We had some beautiful professional photos taken by some dear friends, specifically to post on Facebook and send to friends and family. I haven’t had

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Closed Doors, Open Windows, and the Hallways In Between

When God closes a door, he opens a window, but it sure can be Hell in these hallways!

I love that quote.

It says that even when something doesn’t go as expected, there is always another way.  The path to that “other way” can sometimes be dark and scary, but have faith because it’s out there!

I have found myself in these dark and scary hallways a lot in the past few years.  I always thought that the path to the next appointment, or next doctor, or next blood test was wearing me down, but I may have been wrong about that.

The hallways are where I’ve found myself… My true self.


I realized yesterday that I was thankful for something I never thought I would be:  Infertility.

You see, my dear friend lost her baby just a few days after I miscarried.  She was just a week or so ahead of me in her pregnancy, and she had a D&C a few days after they found that there was no longer a heartbeat.

Yesterday, while she was crying in the waiting room of her OB’s office, surrounded by pregnant women and babies, I found myself thankful that even though I’ve had to endure so much, at least everyone in my doctor’s office understands.

I felt terribly for her, and wished that although she does not have a fertility issue, she could come see my doctor.

The women in the waiting room are not pregnant, or at least not visibly so.

They don’t bring children with them, if they even have them at all.

They smile sadly when you walk in, acknowledging that we are all members of an elite sisterhood of survivors.

The doctors and nurses don’t ask mundane questions like “How are you?”; instead they ask specifics like “Do you want to talk about how you’re handling your miscarriage?” and “How are you really feeling about trying again?”

The situation my body has put me in has also put me in a special setting when it comes to getting, and staying pregnant.  Everyone takes greater care not to ask the insensitive questions, and that is very reassuring.

I’m thankful for that, at least.

And to my friend who had to endure the meat-market OB visit yesterday… My heart goes out to you.

I’ll say to you the only things that have helped me:

I am so sorry.

You are so loved.

Your baby mattered.

This will always be with you, and I will always be here to listen.


Sometimes the worst things in your life end up being your defining moments in the end.

Although I am still navigating the rough waters of infertility and miscarriage, they have ultimately turned me into an iron-willed warrior and given me a better idea of who I really am.

I am strong.

I am a survivor.

I will not fail.

I’ll come out on top.

I am not defined by what I’ve lost, but rather by what I’ve gained because of my losses.


Look out, world…

I might be stuck in the hallway right now, but when I find that damn window, I’m going to fly right through.  🙂

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A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.