Sunday, September 30th, 2012.
Tomorrow is Monday, and a new workweek begins.
Tomorrow is October 1st, and a new month begins.
As much as I’d love to rush September out the door and start all over, today is a day of reflection.
I spent most of this month pregnant.
I spent most of this month gripped by fear and anxiety, and saw those fears come true.
I spent most of this month feeling like a prisoner of my circumstances…
Tomorrow is a new day, a new week, a new month.
Much has happened in the almost-week since I last posted here…
I returned to work; probably a day too early, but I made it through with the support of friends, loved ones, and my amazing coworkers who refused to let me overdo it (and also let me overdo it just a little, because they knew that’s what I needed).
One of my coworkers gave birth to a beautiful baby girl… a tiny miracle. I was surprised to find that I was happier than anything else. Babies don’t make me sad, and that’s one thing I’ve feared since finding out we would miscarry.
A dear friend of mine for many, many years learned that the baby she was expecting had also stopped growing. We were due within two weeks of each other, and her heartbreak hit so very close to home. I hope she is reading this and knows how much I love her and am keeping her in my prayers.
Another friend lost one of her close friends to suicide. She is shattered because of it, but she has such an amazing attitude that it’s inspiring to be around her.
One of my best friends learned that her mother is very ill, and since that news broke, she has been in the hospital for over a week. It’s never easy to see someone you love dealing with so much, and it’s especially difficult when you physically don’t have enough energy to support that friend in every way possible.
Another friend, who is in the full swing of her first (and hopefully only) IVF cycle, just held a fundraising garage sale. I was able to visit her yesterday for a couple of hours, and it was so great to see how much support she has.
Also, I learned this week that I’m being promoted at work. Nothing is official yet, but I’ve already started implementing some new organizational standards, and am feeling pretty good about it. There’s much to do, both immediately and long-term, but I am loving the thought of the challenge ahead.
Emotionally, I still have moments where I feel like I can’t breathe… but they pass, and I am able to smile and laugh again.
Physically, I am recovering more slowly.
The spotting started nearly two weeks ago. The heavy bleeding went on for well over a week. Yesterday, things seemed to slow down a bit, and today I have only some dark brown spotting.
The nurse at Dr. K’s office says that because I’ve bled for so long, there is a chance that I may have miscarried and lost my very thick uterine lining at the same time, which may mean that I will be able to bounce back more quickly. The only way to tell is by blood work and ultrasound, however.
I had my first round of blood work to check my HCG levels on Friday, but I was too busy at work to call for the results. I expect to have them tomorrow morning. As long as they are falling appropriately, then I will be on the mend and headed toward a normal, healthy visit from Aunt Flo.
I am not in any pain, aside from the occasional mild cramps. I am easily exhausted, however, and am having trouble accepting that my body doesn’t want to move as fast as my brain. I take a lot of breaks to catch my breath, and I overdo it all the time. I’m trying to get back into my usual fighting shape… slowly.
I have developed some wretched heartburn. Not really sure what to think about that. I have heard that Cytotec can have some digestive side effects, but I guess I figured they would have passed by now.
I’m still adjusting to this “new normal”, and it’s coming along a lot more slowly than I thought it would. I’m trying to be gentle with myself, but I tend to push too hard.
Life isn’t now, nor will it ever be the same as it was before this pregnancy and miscarriage. I’m still adjusting.
There are many changes that have been forced onto us, and many more changes we will need to make on our own. September hasn’t been great to us, and yet there are so many reasons to hope.
Today we remember, and tomorrow we start over.
A new day, a new week, a new month, and a whole new season in life.
Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen... 