Status

Empty

Monday, September 24th, 2012.

 

Warning: 

This post is very graphic, but I need to record it for myself, and for others who may find their way here because they don’t know what to expect of a Cytotec-induced miscarriage.

I was not able to find much information online when I went looking, but the few accounts I did come across helped me immensely.  I want to help others as much as I can, in a completely honest and realistic manner.

 

It happened last night.

The actual miscarriage happened.

I knew that the only sort-of-heavy-ish bleeding and mild cramping I’d had on Friday and Saturday weren’t enough.  Always trust your intuition… mine told me that something wasn’t right.  I wasn’t in enough pain, and I hadn’t bled in any kind of dramatic way.

Something wasn’t right.  And I knew.

I let myself believe what the nurses kept telling me, however, and fell into a false sense of security.  Three full days after taking the Cytotec to bring on the miscarriage, I started to believe that maybe I was on the mend.

Here’s a mini-timeline of events:

  • On Wednesday about 6pm, I started spotting dark brown.  I expected that the miscarriage was starting naturally, and went to bed that night with cramps.
  • On Thursday morning, I still only had cramping and spotting, and those both tapered off to almost nothing by dinnertime.
  • On Thursday at 11pm, I took the full 800mcg dose of Cytotec prescribed to me by Dr. K.  I went to bed prepared to wake up in agony.
  • On Friday morning at 9am, I woke up and nothing had happened; maybe a few mild cramps.  I called Dr. K’s nurse to let her know, and she said to give it some time.  I started bleeding pretty steadily by 12pm.
  • On Friday afternoon, I was having strong cramping and was bleeding pretty  heavily.  I passed a few clots larger than I would normally see during a menstrual period, one as large as a big cherry.  The cramping and bleeding continued throughout the day and night.  I treated the pain with a heating pad; at this point I had not taken the Percocet prescribed to me.
  • On Saturday morning, I was taken to Dr. K’s office to receive my Rhogam shot, as the husband and I have different Rh factors.  I talked to the nurse again, telling her about my symptoms so far, and she said that it sounded like the worst was over, and that I would probably bleed for a week or so.  I told her that I thought I hadn’t had enough pain or bleeding, that this was no worse than my worst period, but she said to consider myself one of the lucky few who have a pretty easy time of it.
  • By Saturday evening, the cramping had all but ended, and the bleeding was steady, though the clotting had stopped.
  • On Sunday morning, I woke up with energy – more energy than I’d had in a week.  I was easily exhausted, but I managed to do some things around the house during the course of the day.  Around 4pm, I even vacuumed the whole place.
  • By the time I finished vacuuming, maybe 4:30pm, my lower back was very painfully aching.  I rested on the couch with a heating pad behind me, convinced that I’d done too much, but after about a half hour, the pain had started to radiate toward my pelvic area as well.
  • I moved the heating pad to my front to help with the cramping, but nothing was alleviating the pain.  This is the point at which I should have taken the Percocet, but I was convinced that I just needed to rest.
  • By 5:30pm, I was in and out of the bathroom with painful cramps and diarrhea.  At this point, the bleeding was getting heavier, more red, and less watery than at any previous point in the process.
  • By 6pm, I was able to time what were likely contractions.  I would have about 5 minutes of severe cramping, and then a 2 minute rest before it started over again.
  • I was shaking violently and my teeth were chattering, I assume from the pain and heavy breathing, and possibly shock setting in.  If at all possible, I would recommend keeping a towel or blanket around you.  I also kept my heating pad in my lap, and that helped to keep me warm.
  • By 6:30pm, I had started to pass large clots, some of which were the size of golf balls.
  • At one point, I passed a very large mass that I assume was the sac.  It was the size of my fist, and it took several minutes of pushing to fully pass.
  • At 7pm, when I thought the pain was at its peak, I realized that if this level of pain was going to continue for much longer, I was going to hyperventilate and pass out.  I took the Percocet, and in between periods of intense cramping, I went to the bed and laid down.  I drank some water and rested, and the pain slowly began to fade.
  • I must have laid there in fetal position, dozing on and off in a haze of pain and painkillers, for at least an hour.  I remember texting my mom and the husband to call to check on me because I was home alone and had taken the Percocet.
  • By 9pm, I was able to get up and walk around a bit.  I refilled my water in the kitchen, and talked on the phone with the people I’d texted, letting them know what had happened, and that I was okay.  The Percocet made me jittery and a little chatty, so I spent a while on the phone.
  • The bleeding continued to be heavy, and still is today,  but nothing like last night.

I know now that the worst is over.  I’ve fully miscarried, and it was painful and graphic like I thought it should be, and has left me completely exhausted.  I slept for 12 hours last night and into today, and am still extremely weak.  As I type this, I’m trying to eat and drink as much as possible.  I’m still very shaky on my legs, but now that I know I’ve handled the worst of it, I know I can manage.

What I want to share with others who may find themselves here looking for personal accounts of Cytotec-induced miscarriage is this:  It may not be the norm, but I did not fully miscarry until 3 full days after I took the prescribed dosage of 800mcg of Cytotec. 

It can happen that way for some.  If your intuition is telling you that you haven’t fully completed your miscarriage, then you may very well be right.

If you think this might be the case for you, please stay in close contact with your doctor’s office.  They may suggest another dose of Cytotec, or a follow-up ultrasound to confirm whether your miscarriage is complete or not.

Listen to yourself, your body, your intuition.  It’s better to be completely wrong than to be caught completely off guard.

As for me, I think I might still be in a bit of shock.

I’m finding myself very detached from the events of last night (hence the extremely matter-of-fact timeline above), but I know that only time will allow me to accept it.

For now, I know that my body has done what it needed to, and that will have to be enough.

Enough for now, until I can accept what’s really happened.

I miscarried.  It was bloody and painful.  I’m no longer pregnant.

I’m empty.

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24 comments on “Empty

  1. Brie
    September 24, 2012 at 1:47 pm #

    Sorry it was so painful. That sounds worse than a miscarriage that comes naturally 😦 I am always home if you need anything and Mike is at work.

    Like

  2. Erin
    September 24, 2012 at 2:00 pm #

    That’s such an awful experience, and I’m so sorry you had to go through it. I hope you can at least feel some relief that the worst of it is over now.

    Like

  3. Lisa
    September 24, 2012 at 2:09 pm #

    And this is another rexample of the amazing woman you are, you want people to know what to expect so you detailed it out for them , which had to be hard for you!

    Like

  4. cassiedash
    September 24, 2012 at 2:26 pm #

    Interestingly, this sounds very, very much like my natural (not Cytotec-induced) miscarriage. I bled for four days before passing the sac, which I found to be the most painful part. And I know it’s painful and I’m so sorry you had to go through that — and alone! In retrospect, I found some healing and peace in the experience, and I hope you’ll one day be able to say the same. Sending my love to you!

    Like

  5. SH
    September 24, 2012 at 2:30 pm #

    you poor thing, lots of hugs xxxxxxxx

    Like

  6. Jen
    September 24, 2012 at 3:03 pm #

    Oh God, Tracy! That sounds so awful and I’m so sorry you had to go through it. I hope you have time to take it easy for a few days and let your body and mind heal. Sending hugs.

    Like

  7. Tanya
    September 24, 2012 at 3:48 pm #

    I’m so sorry you had to endure all of that. What you described is very similar to what I experienced following my ectopic and treatment with methotrexate… Only for me it took 3 full weeks to get to the point of finally miscarrying the baby. It was horrible and I remember so vividly sitting in the bathroom in pure agony, holding what I know was my baby. I was also home alone. So glad the worst is over (physically) and hope you start feeling better again soon. For me, emotionally, it took a few months to get back to normal. And then there are the *anniversary* dates that you will never forget that bring it all back to the surface. The only thing worse than infertility is pregnancy loss. 😦 Praying for you…

    Like

  8. Tanya
    September 24, 2012 at 3:49 pm #

    P.S. I found a lot of healing in these two songs: Glory Baby and Held…

    Like

    • Kelly
      September 24, 2012 at 4:57 pm #

      I second these song suggestions! They are great! Held will surely bring a tear to your eye.

      Like

  9. A Morning Grouch
    September 24, 2012 at 4:11 pm #

    Oh, i’m so sorry to hear about this. The shaking and teeth chattering you talk about are actually probably from the laborious process – those things can happen during childbirth as well – and same with the shaky legs afterwards. It’s hard on your body as well as your soul. Thinking of you.

    Like

  10. Kelly
    September 24, 2012 at 4:56 pm #

    I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. I;m glad to hear you did wind up taking the Percocet. I get that you wanted the full experience but still think that doesn’t mean you have to suffer unbearably. I hope you feel better…physically and emotionally….very soon and hope you know you’re in my prayers!

    Like

  11. B
    September 24, 2012 at 5:48 pm #

    I am so sorry, for your loss and for the horrible experience you had to go through. It is not fair.

    Like

  12. Deanna
    September 24, 2012 at 9:03 pm #

    How horrible. I’m so sorry you had to go though this, I experienced quite a bit of pain and weird side effects with the meds they me to miscarry with my ectopic pregnancy. I would have never been able to put it into to words like you though. Your strength always amazes me. I pray for healing and even more strength for you both!

    Like

  13. Amelia
    September 25, 2012 at 2:30 am #

    Light and love to you. I’m so sorry.

    Like

  14. alloallo
    September 25, 2012 at 7:50 am #

    just thinking of you, this sounds so hard.

    Like

  15. Michelle
    September 25, 2012 at 7:54 am #

    *Hugs*

    Like

  16. rosasara
    September 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm #

    I’m so sorry for your loss, I’ve been there a couple of times and I know that there’s nothing I can say that will make you feel better right now, but time heals and easy the pain.
    I used cytotec once and while mine worked within a couple of hours (cloths and sac) I was told only to expect only heavy bleeding. It was very scary. I had another big “mass” coming out 3 days later and about a month later the Dr. found out I still had a piece stuck in the uterus and I ended up having a D&C.
    Take care and make sure your HcG levels go down to 0.

    Like

  17. TeeJay
    September 26, 2012 at 11:43 am #

    My heart just breaks for you. No one should have to endure such an ordeal. I’m so very sorry for your loss.

    Like

  18. blendedfamilybliss
    September 27, 2012 at 3:13 pm #

    Tracy my heart goes out to you. I experienced two miscarriages prior to having my children. I was young and I remember how emotional of an experience it was. I also remember people telling me that I was overreacting with my emotions. I was 13 weeks the first time and 9 weeks the second time. If there was one piece of advice I wish someone would have given me it would be feel it. Truly let your emotions express themselves how you see fit. There is no timeline on how long to grieve for when something like this happens. Don’t paint on a happy face when you are dying inside. The more you feel it and express your emotions the easier it will probably be. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this. You truly are an amazing person and an inspiration to many.

    Like

  19. theyellowblanket
    October 2, 2012 at 3:19 pm #

    Thank you so much for sharing this story. I had my fourth miscarriage in July at 9.5 weeks (mmc, baby died at 8 weeks) and it was very similar, minus the Cytotec. I so appreciate reading your story.

    Like

  20. Amber Rose
    October 12, 2012 at 8:42 pm #

    Thank you for sharing. I decided not to go this route as you know. I just couldn’t do it. We all do things differently by our own preference and our own level of strength. I’m with you my friend!!

    Like

  21. Tracy
    September 23, 2015 at 12:43 pm #

    Reblogged this on Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen… and commented:

    Three years ago tonight. I don’t know how I survived some days, but I know that losing our Gummy Bear made me better able to be the mom our Clara needs now. None of it has been easy, but it’s all been necessary. I see that now, even through the sadness and the lingering ‘what-ifs’…

    Like

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Episode 6! « Bitter Infertiles - October 2, 2012

    […] -Miscarrying at home: https://juststoptryinganditwillhappen.com/2012/09/24/empty/ […]

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  2. Here With Me Still | Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen... - September 23, 2013

    […] been a year since you left, and I think of you every single day, but today […]

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