The bleeding and cramping finally started.

It hasn’t really gotten bad yet.

I keep expecting it to get worse… I actually hope it does.

I haven’t taken any of the Percocet, either.  The pain isn’t unbearable, and at this point, I want to feel it.

I feel like if I’m not in pain, then none of this was real.

I guess the only thing I really want is for this to have been real.  Too often, people want to “move on” or “start over”, and while I want those things too, I don’t want to move so fast that I forget, that others forget.

I understand the urge for loved ones to reach out to support the husband and I, and while food and friendship, kind words and offers of a shoulder to cry on are lovely and much appreciated, what we really need is for people to acknowledge what we are feeling, what really happened.

Our baby died.

Our baby died, and now I’m physically dealing with that, as well as the emotional and psychological torture of miscarriage.

Our baby died, and and I don’t want to medicate the memories away.

Our baby died, and I want to feel the pain so that I can always remember.

Our baby died, but our baby was alive, ours.



18 comments on “Real

  1. Jenn
    September 21, 2012 at 5:13 pm #

    It really happened. You really ARE parents. Do things your way. Much love and many prayers.


  2. KelBel
    September 21, 2012 at 5:15 pm #

    Big hugs for you as you are going through this.


  3. B
    September 21, 2012 at 5:54 pm #

    Thinking of you and wishing you strength as you go through this.


  4. Tyger
    September 21, 2012 at 5:57 pm #

    I don’t know what to say, I’ve been through miscarriage, mine was never really physically very painful. Emotionally, its been almost a year and I think of it often. Do what you need to do for you. You are this baby’s mom. Prayers are with you.


  5. Erin
    September 21, 2012 at 6:09 pm #

    I’m so sorry this is happening … I’ve been through it and it’s heartbreaking but there is a real finality to doing this at home rather than a d&c. Stay hydrated and take the pain meds if it gets bad. Thinking about you ….


  6. Brie
    September 21, 2012 at 6:13 pm #

    reading this makes me remember all over the miscarriages we’ve had. I haven’t forgotten a single one, and can tell the story of each in vivid detail, from the first moment I knew I was pregnant to the very end. My first miscarriage was the most painful, it literally felt like I was experiencing labor. And after having experienced real labor I still hold onto that description. You won’t ever forget this baby, nor should you. And each and every person who has walked this same journey feels the exact same way. Our babies may have been small, but they will never be forgotten. My 4 year old has been talking about her brothers and sisters in heaven a lot lately. We haven’t/won’t keep our losses a secret from our children, those babies are a part of our family too. This baby is a part of yours as well. ((hugs)) and take a big rest, your body is going through a lot right now.


  7. ladybugjen
    September 21, 2012 at 6:20 pm #

    You are and always will be a mommy… Some people only dream of angels, you carried one for 9 weeks. Hugs to your family 🙂


  8. ladybugjen
    September 21, 2012 at 6:23 pm #

    You are and always will be a mommy… Some people only dream of angels, you carried one for 9 weeks. Hugs to your family.
    We suffered 3 miscarriages and I remember every detail of every one. Never forget your baby.


  9. cassiedash
    September 21, 2012 at 6:39 pm #

    This post made me weep to read. It vividly brought back to me the way I felt so strongly in the days after my miscarriage, the way I still feel now all these months later. More than anything, I want(ed) people to understand that my pregnancy didn’t just end…I lost a child. The problem is that so few people who have not gone through this really ‘get’ it. But so many of us do. And your baby was alive. S/he mattered…and still does. You are forever a mommy!


  10. Brie
    September 21, 2012 at 6:39 pm #

    I still remember that day you called me to say you were “knocked up”. I was so excited for you, because this is what you have been wanting for so long! And I will never forget your text from Tuesday either 😦 You take your time, it’s going to hurt for awhile. Those that have never experienced a miscarriage will never fully understand the pain you are going through. Love you!


  11. politicallyweddedwoman
    September 21, 2012 at 6:52 pm #

    I understand completely. I am so sorry.


  12. K.Smitty
    September 21, 2012 at 7:03 pm #

    Ugh. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I am hoping this is as painless as possible for you. While I support your decision to not medicate the memories away, please don’t feel like you deserve physical torture. I hope your pain isn’t too unbearable, but if it is, don’t be afraid to take SOMETHING. What happened to you is absolutely awful and I am horrified for you that it’s stretched on for five whole weeks and that you had very little time to be happy about any of this. Don’t punish yourself. You deserve better than that. xo


  13. Kat
    September 21, 2012 at 7:16 pm #

    I’m so sorry, and I pray that the pain doesn’t get so bad that you have to medicate…you have every rite to feel every part of this you want to.


  14. akarel
    September 21, 2012 at 11:41 pm #

    I am so sorry for your loss. I keep deleting everything I begin to say after that because the feelings I had when I miscarried just come back and I remember that absolutely nothing helped…nor did I need to be ‘helped’. So much of what you write could have come straight from my experiences and my reactions to them. You will survive. You will forever be changed, but the ‘you’ you know and love will re-emerge one day, stronger and better for what you’ve been through. For today, though, just grieve, and know that at least one stranger is crying with you.


  15. Trisha
    September 22, 2012 at 12:04 am #

    Oh God hun, I’m so sorry I missed all this. I’ve been way backed up in my reader and my heart sank when I saw this. I am so sorry sweetie, I know how sad and hurt you are right now. Please, if you ever need anything let me know. I’ll be thinking about you.


  16. Erica (Temerity)
    September 22, 2012 at 1:24 pm #

    My heart is breaking for you. I completely understand the need to experience it all and maybe on some level to have a physical manifestation of the pain you feel inside, and I hope you don’t need medication. But if you do need it, there is no shame in that. Your baby existed, was and will always be LOVED, and there is nothing that will make that less true, especially not the temporary relief of pain medication. No mother truly forgets, anyone who says differently is deluding herself, and we all know that’s not your nature. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


  17. Erin
    September 22, 2012 at 3:16 pm #

    Praying for you… although I don’t know the pain of miscarriage I know the pain of wanting a baby desperately. From the moment of conception is a baby. Grieve and pray and do whatever you feel is best. Only you know what you need. You are in my thoughts during this difficult time.


  18. Amber Rose
    October 12, 2012 at 8:45 pm #

    Our babies are gone. They will always be ours and will always be with us.


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