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When Feathers Appear…

When feathers appear, angels are near.

Have you ever heard that phrase?

I’m not sure where I heard it the first time… maybe one of those psychic medium shows.

I’m not sure how much of that stuff I really believe anyway.

Angels?  Sure, I think they exist, but are they really trying to send us messages?

Doubtful.

Then again… Maybe so.

I first noticed the feathers as I left the office last Tuesday after discovering that I was spotting.  I was in a panic, thinking that I was about to miscarry.  I got to my car, and my parking space was covered with feathers.

I really didn’t think much of it, especially considering the state I was in at the time.

The next day, after not miscarrying and subsequently returning to work, I noticed more feathers.  In the parking garage, the sidewalk, on my front porch.

I started to think about that saying… “When feathers appear, angels are near.”

It was then that I started to really think that maybe that spotting wasn’t just a fluke.  Maybe the feathers were sent by an angel…

It’s only fitting that the day I started seeing the feathers was the day the doctor says my baby stopped growing.

My angel baby.

I’ll never hold that baby, but I feel a connection stronger than with anyone else I know.  My angel baby sent me feathers as a sign of peace and happiness and hope for the future.

Like the bird tattooed on my shoulder, and like the precious happy moments of my childhood spent watching the birds flit about, the feathers were a sign that I should be at peace.

There is still hope, and there is happiness to come.

Dr. K was very kind and reassuring.  There was almost no growth since our last appointment, and the yolk sac has disappeared.  Everything about my body is perfectly healthy, and this seems to just be a chromosomal issue.  It happens in 20% of pregnancies.  I’m normal and healthy, but the baby just wasn’t.

He gave me options and told me to take my time.  I can choose to miscarry naturally, or I have some medication that will help the process along.

One thing that helped to hear was that the medication does not require me to wait months before starting a new cycle.  I will have time to grieve, and time to prepare myself for jumping back in with both feet.

As devastated as I feel right now, I know that it’s just not in me to stop trying.

I’m still stuck in a hard place; half-pregnant, carrying the shell of a life that left me a week ago.

A life that left feathers in its place.

I have grief and sadness and emptiness.

But I also have hope.  And determination.  And strength.  And an amazing husband and support system.

And that’s a lot.

It’s enough for now.

It has to be.

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43 comments on “When Feathers Appear…

  1. Lo
    September 18, 2012 at 1:25 pm #

    Oh, Tracy. I’m sending you lots and lots of love and hugs.

    Like

  2. Shelley
    September 18, 2012 at 1:28 pm #

    Wow Tracy, what a moving post. I’m so, so sorry about your angel baby. You sound like you have a lot of hope still – hang onto that. I know this process is so painful and difficult. I’m sending you lots of love and peace.

    Like

  3. Jackie
    September 18, 2012 at 1:33 pm #

    I am so sorry for your loss honey 😦 I know the devistation and I want you to know that you are most definitely on my heart so strong. I hope that My angel baby and your angel baby are sitting on clouds and playing together. I look forward to the day ill be in heaven and be able to hold him/her 🙂 I hope you can find peace and I pray that God wraps his arms around you and Mike extra tight today and each day after. This is the beginning…xo

    Like

  4. B
    September 18, 2012 at 1:34 pm #

    I am so sorry. I am sending you so much strength and love.

    Like

  5. Michelle
    September 18, 2012 at 1:36 pm #

    I’m so sorry. I admire your hope. Sending you hugs over the internet.

    Like

  6. Patricia
    September 18, 2012 at 1:36 pm #

    Beautifully written by a beautiful person. I have no doubt that your angel baby will watch over you, Mike and the gummy bear that’s to come. ❤

    Like

  7. Mo
    September 18, 2012 at 1:39 pm #

    I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. May you continue to handle it with grace and strength.

    Like

  8. Brie
    September 18, 2012 at 1:40 pm #

    You truly amaze me. This post is so beautifully written. As someone who believes in many things, I believe those feathers were sent to you. Especially seems fitting with the bird on your shoulder. While this baby wasn’t meant to be, that sweet angel is letting you know to never lose hope, and never give up.

    I have no idea what you are going through, but I want to let you know that I am here for you. I am a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a mouth to talk.

    Like

  9. SH
    September 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm #

    I’m so sorry honey! xxxxxxx

    Like

  10. missohkay
    September 18, 2012 at 1:43 pm #

    I am so sorry. I’m glad you have hope and support – both are so important to get through this time. Thinking of you…

    Like

  11. infertileginger
    September 18, 2012 at 1:48 pm #

    I’m so sorry. Lots of love your way.

    Like

  12. Julie Conley
    September 18, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

    Oh Tracy… Sending you love and hugs and even more peace.

    Like

  13. Lisa
    September 18, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

    Your angel baby is with all of my angel babies Tracy. I love all of them, as you will always love this one.

    Like

  14. jamue
    September 18, 2012 at 1:58 pm #

    You are absolutely the strongest person I know. There is a place in my heart that belongs to you, and Mike and that’s where all my hope goes, unconditionally.

    Next weekend ya’ll better be ready for some Jamison hugs.

    Like

  15. Beth
    September 18, 2012 at 2:00 pm #

    Sooo sorry!

    Like

  16. Katie
    September 18, 2012 at 2:05 pm #

    This was such a beautiful post. Gave me comfort in my losses and hope for the future. Thinking of you…

    Like

  17. Elizabeth
    September 18, 2012 at 2:13 pm #

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been there are it sucks. Treat yourself gently in the coming weeks.

    Like

  18. auntmimi
    September 18, 2012 at 2:13 pm #

    My heart is broken for you. But you wrote this beautifully.

    Like

  19. Nicole
    September 18, 2012 at 2:23 pm #

    I’m so sorry. I love how you wrote this. I’m glad you still have hope in the future.

    Like

  20. disorientata
    September 18, 2012 at 2:23 pm #

    So sorry for your loss… xxx

    Like

  21. Lesley
    September 18, 2012 at 2:34 pm #

    I love you guys.

    Like

  22. Tanya
    September 18, 2012 at 2:38 pm #

    So sorry to read this. What a beautiful post to honor the passing of your angel baby. (((HUGS))) and continued prayers.

    Like

  23. Kerri
    September 18, 2012 at 3:38 pm #

    Your strength in joy and grief is amazing and inspiring.

    Prayers for you and Mike!

    Like

  24. K.Smitty
    September 18, 2012 at 3:41 pm #

    Ugh. I’m so sorry Tracy. This stinks. I hope you are able to find whatever peace you can from those feathers and am praying so hard that good things come your way soon. Sending hugs your way.

    Like

  25. Charmie
    September 18, 2012 at 3:45 pm #

    I don’t know you…I see your blog posts on FB and I just had to write to you to tell you that my prayers are with you and your angel baby.

    I wish I could hug you, just a little bit 🙂

    Like

  26. Kimmy
    September 18, 2012 at 3:52 pm #

    Our Angel babies always live in our Mommy hearts.xoxoxox So sorry for your loss.

    Like

  27. Alyssa
    September 18, 2012 at 4:13 pm #

    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I also have expierenced a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks so I know how sickening it can be. Many thoughts and prayers are headed your way.

    Like

  28. B
    September 18, 2012 at 5:59 pm #

    So much love your way Tracy. I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish this had been the baby meant to stay with you. I am hopeful that the baby you’ll raise is coming very soon. ❤

    Like

  29. cassiedash
    September 18, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

    What a beautiful post. I’m so sorry for your loss, friend. Please know that so many of us have walked in your shoes and you are not alone. Wishing you peace and strength and hope in the days ahead. I believe you’ll still get your miracle. XO

    Like

  30. ~kboo
    September 18, 2012 at 6:40 pm #

    ((((( hugs )))))

    Like

  31. Theresa
    September 18, 2012 at 7:09 pm #

    I am so sorry. No one should have to go through that.

    Like

  32. Joni Fenn
    September 18, 2012 at 7:12 pm #

    I’m so sorry, Trace. I was hoping for better news. I’m here for you if you need anything. Love from all of us ❤

    Like

  33. road2ourbaby
    September 18, 2012 at 10:30 pm #

    Ugh, this is just heartbreaking. I am so so sorry for your loss.

    Like

  34. Andy
    September 18, 2012 at 10:32 pm #

    I am so very sorry. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

    Like

  35. Amelia
    September 19, 2012 at 2:01 am #

    Sending light and love to you.

    Like

  36. swisswife
    September 19, 2012 at 2:34 am #

    So, so sorry 😦

    Like

  37. Jess and Luke
    September 19, 2012 at 10:24 pm #

    Lots of love and hugs and prayers for you and your hubby.

    😦

    Like

  38. danialiveandfree
    September 20, 2012 at 3:54 pm #

    I’m at a loss for words! I can’t even imagine what you and Mike must be going through! *big hugs* my thoughts and prayers are with you guys!

    Like

  39. ahappymediumlife
    September 24, 2012 at 12:10 pm #

    I am so sorry… praying for you. 😦

    Like

  40. Amber Rose Smutny
    September 26, 2012 at 11:10 am #

    It’s amazing you posted this because I swear on Wed after work we were cleaning my car INSIDE the garage and a feather came floating from the ceiling. Where it came from I don’t know but there it was. I just thought…”that’s strange” but kept cleaning. Maybe I missed my sign. I love you every day and wish I could be there with you. You’re always in my heart.

    Like

    • Tracy
      September 26, 2012 at 11:31 am #

      I am so sorry, sweetie. I know what this baby meant to you two, and I know that our little angels are hanging out together right now, just like we would be if we lived closer.

      I love you and am praying for you. If you ever need someone, you can reach out to me any time. Please be kind to yourself… this healing is harder than it seems like it might be, and you will need time. ❤

      Like

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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