8 Weeks

Friday, September 14th, 2012.  8weeks.

I really didn’t think things would be so up in the air at eight weeks pregnant.

Honestly, I thought I would be announcing our happy news on Facebook at this point.  I thought I’d spend the nights I’m alone while the husband is at work using my awesome new home fetal heart doppler to listen to my baby.

(Yeah.  That bad boy came in the mail the day of our first ultrasound, by the way.  It now resides in its unopened box under the bed, along with the pregnancy books, because I’m afraid to look at it.)

I really am in pregnancy limbo.

And I really hate limbo.

There is truly nothing I can do but wait, and that’s just not my style.  Even Dr. Google has stopped giving me new information.  Ugh.

I’ve started the dangerous path to over-rationalization, which is something I do when I’m very nervous or expecting a bad outcome.

I mentally go over my early pregnancy symptoms, and try to remember the days I had them and the days I didn’t.  I try to pinpoint when they left, and match that up with the date Dr. K saw old blood in my uterus.

Was that the appropriate time frame for a miscarriage to have started?  Did my baby stop growing a week ago, creating the blood that resulted in brown spotting this week?

All of these things can be completely unremarkable in a pregnancy.

Spotting?  Happens to lots of people, and brown spotting is not of much concern.

Loss of symptoms?  Hormone levels can plateau in any normal pregnancy, and sometimes symptoms fade in and out.  No biggie.

Slow growth?  It happens, and a lot of the time baby catches up.  Early growth can be hard to gauge sometimes, especially with a tilted uterus.

All of these things alone can be perfectly normal.

All of these things together with my particular situation are extremely worrisome.

I am finding myself planning ahead on two separate paths…

On the one path, I am going ahead with that Facebook announcement.  I’m registering and decorating a nursery and holding my new baby in the hospital.

On the other path, I’m making the decision whether to miscarry naturally or seek medical intervention.  I’m grieving and healing and preparing to hop back on the TTC roller coaster.

It’s exhausting.

One thing I’ve decided though, is how I will proceed if I am forced down that second path.  I can’t know what my body will do on its own, but I want to wait two more weeks before forcing anything to happen.

10 weeks pregnant.  If the news is bleak at Tuesday’s ultrasound, then 10 weeks pregnant is as far as I will get.

Of course, there is still the small chance that maybe Gummy Bear decided to kick it into high gear this week and I’ll end up making it well past that 10 week mark… and down that first path after all.

I hope to God that’s the path I end up walking.


21 comments on “8 Weeks

  1. zygotta
    September 14, 2012 at 3:32 pm #

    first path, first path, first path *chanting*


    • K.Smitty
      September 15, 2012 at 6:25 pm #

      ditto!! Fingers crossed and sending prayers your way!


  2. Brie
    September 14, 2012 at 3:34 pm #

    I won’t lie, your first ultrasound scared me. But the second completely changed my mind. There was a big change, in that short amount of time. I have been googling like crazy this past week, looking up every single thing you have been posting. (and googling other ultrasound pics too) There are so many similar stories out there like yours, that end positive. Yeah, there are some negative ones too, but I swear there are so many more positives. You have already made it past 7 weeks, and that is pretty amazing 🙂


    • Tracy
      September 14, 2012 at 3:41 pm #

      I know you’re right. I’m just as afraid to accept the stories that end well as I am the ones that end badly… I know I will have a really hard time handling the disappointment. It’s just a crappy place to be. :/


  3. Lo
    September 14, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

    Grow, Gummy Bear, GROW!


    • Tracy
      September 14, 2012 at 3:38 pm #

      I mean, I keep saying to myself, “Self, you know that you and all of your siblings were small babies, and you know that the husband is kind of a small guy… Maybe Gummy Bear is taking after mom and dad!”

      I hope that inner monologue is right.


      • Lo
        September 14, 2012 at 3:46 pm #

        Gummy is just taking after you from the start. 🙂


      • Tracy
        September 14, 2012 at 3:51 pm #

        Poor kid’s gonna end up with glasses and an awkward childhood then, but I’ll take that!


      • Lo
        September 14, 2012 at 4:10 pm #

        Oh, hush! Glasses are sexy and if GB is anything like you, s/he’ll be strong enough to deal with any awkward!


      • Tracy
        September 14, 2012 at 4:12 pm #

        I mean, it builds character, right? It certainly did for ME, lol…


  4. Julie Conley
    September 14, 2012 at 3:52 pm #

    I remember the panic when your symptoms disappear, and I too had spotting that resulted in my first ever (in 7 yrs) call-in-the-morning sick day. Big hugs, I know this is scary.


    • Tracy
      September 14, 2012 at 3:54 pm #

      I just want to look back and think “Wow, did I overreact.” …This is one time I would love to be wrong and feel totally stupid about it!


  5. Andrea R. Smith
    September 14, 2012 at 3:54 pm #

    eeeeeeek! did the ultrasound find a heartbeat? i love your brain, Tracy 🙂


    • Tracy
      September 14, 2012 at 3:55 pm #

      Aw, no ultrasound till Tuesday, and I’m praying that there will be a heartbeat then. So far though, we haven’t seen one…


  6. Lisa
    September 14, 2012 at 3:54 pm #

    Hang in there gummy bear, you are one of the most wanted babies in the world!


  7. B
    September 14, 2012 at 4:50 pm #

    I am also hoping for that first path, so much for you.


    • Spapple
      September 14, 2012 at 5:13 pm #

      This little GB will be a liitle miracle either way, it has shown you and us hope all around. Hang in there. Love ya. Xoxo


  8. cassiedash
    September 14, 2012 at 6:47 pm #

    Thinking of you, friend, and hoping the first path is the one that you take (and hopefully with a smoother journey as the weeks go on). Hang in there.


  9. Theresa
    September 14, 2012 at 6:54 pm #

    The same thing happened to a friend of mine- her baby was growing slowly and at one point was almost a week behind. They told her if he didn’t catch up by the next ultrasound she was going to miscarry. Miraculously, he did. I know every situation is different, but I wanted you to know there is definitely hope. I’m sorry you’re stuck on this sick rollercoaster – as if IF isn’t bad enough


  10. Erin
    September 17, 2012 at 1:47 am #

    I’m praying for you that this is going to happen and you will have a beautiful and healthy baby!


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