Saturday, September 8th, 2012. 7weeks, 1day.
Wednesday was rough.
Thursday was somewhat of a blur.
Even Friday had it’s wobbly moments…
Since then though, I’ve had some time to think.
I’ve deliberated, researched and made some choices that I think are reasonable.
I’ve thought through all outcomes, and now have what I feel to be a good handle on the next step for any situation we find ourselves in on Monday.
Here’s what I’ve come up with:
Ultrasound shows growth, detail, and a clearly defined baby, possibly even with a beating heart.
Moving on from here – repeat ultrasound in two weeks and remain cautiously optimistic.
Ultrasound is either inconclusive again, or shows no growth and points clearly to impending miscarriage; doctor recommends medication to remove remains of failed pregnancy.
Moving on from here – request blood work, seek second opinion from OB or hospital ultrasound. If the blood work shows that my HCG levels are continuing to rise, I will decline medications and ask to be seen again for a follow up ultrasound and blood work in two weeks.
I should explain… I am not delusional or in denial about what very well could be happening at this moment. The doctor may see this as a desperate attempt to delay the inevitable. Others may judge me for putting off a sure thing…
However, I have done some research and have found that women with a tilted uterus like mine (shaped like a golf club, with the top of the uterus pointed well toward my spine – which is precisely where the pregnancy is located), tend to have somewhat more difficult early ultrasounds due to the location of the pregnancy being in a tough spot for the ultrasound to reach.
Miscarriages are not often misdiagnosed, but a large majority of the times that they are, it is due to that damn tilted uterus making things hard to see and even harder to measure.
Basically, if Dr. K says anything other than “there’s a baby with a healthy heartbeat measuring right on schedule”, I want to follow up with blood work to confirm that my HCG levels are not falling. If they are, I can be at peace with what is happening, and hopefully my body will be able to miscarry on its own without the help of medications.
If the blood work shows that my HCG levels are still rising, I will ask for a second opinion ultrasound. I just want to be sure that different people on different machines can agree on what is or is not happening in my uterus before I count myself (and my baby) out.
If everything points to a progressing pregnancy except the ultrasound findings, I will ask Dr. K to see me again in two weeks to reassess. I figure that two weeks from Monday should put me between nine and ten weeks, and by that point there should be something visible on the ultrasound regardless of the shape of my uterus. Two weeks may also be long enough for my body to catch up with itself if I am in fact having a miscarriage.
I know that a lot of this sounds like torture, especially given that I am not handling this current five-day wait with an especially large portion of grace, but I’ve thought it through.
This is my first confirmed pregnancy.
This is my baby we’re talking about here.
Nothing less than 100% certainty is good enough for me. If there is even a shred of hope that some doctor using some machine could make some mistake or miss something important, then I would prefer to wait and reassess rather than jump straight to the clean-slate-meds solution.
I can never have closure if there is even a grain of doubt that I gave my baby every opportunity to progress.
If that costs me weeks of agonizing waiting and a more painful miscarriage, then it will be worth it to have that peace of mind.
I already feel better having said these things out loud (and typing them now), and after discussing it with the husband, we both feel like we can move on in a better way knowing that we did everything we could for this little life.
Of course the hope is that we will not need the contingency plan for Situation #2, but it gives me so much more confidence just knowing that it’s been thought through. Our first ultrasound left me in a bit of shock, and I didn’t have the presence of mind to ask questions or advocate for myself and my baby.
Monday will be a different story.
I am prepared. I can handle whatever comes my way, even if I break down several times along the road.
I have confidence in my body, and plan to stand up for what is right for me.
I am a Mama Bear now. Even if this isn’t my Take-Home gummy bear, I am still going to protect my baby.
This kid deserves a fighting chance.
And this mama is not afraid of a fight.