Thursday, September 5th, 2012.  6weeks, 6days.

I know I shouldn’t have, but I did it anyway.

I Googled.

I really just wanted to find some success stories of other women who had inconclusive or just plain bad first scans, who then went on to have healthy babies.

I found some of those.  Lots, in fact.

I also found some of the others.

The stories where the women had a blighted ovum or missed miscarriage.  Where their babies died, or never started to properly develop, but their bodies kept right on pumping out the pregnancy hormones.  They had symptoms right up until their D&Cs…

Is that me?

Are these symptoms real?

Have they been fading a bit each day?

Have I been oblivious and blind with hope?

I feel like maybe I had more symptoms at the very beginning.

I recall being very scatter-brained from the start.  I don’t feel that way so much now.

I also remember being very, very tired.  I’m still going to bed early, but I no longer really feel like I am going to pass out on my desk at 2pm every day.

I had some pulling/twingey/almost-cramping feelings at the start, too.  No longer.

I also had that one occurrence of what I thought was “morning” sickness, just last Friday.  Nothing like that since, and nothing before it, although I have felt that same feeling of over-fullness and near-nausea several times since then, particularly after eating.

Some things have persisted since the very start…

I’m still hungry all the time.

My “girls” still hurt like someone is sticking red-hot knitting needles through them.

I still have some random nausea, particularly in the morning before I’ve eaten or drank anything, and any time I brush my teeth.

I am doubting my body.  I am starting to question these things I though were surefire pregnancy symptoms.  I’m constantly wondering if my mind is playing tricks on me…

I am not ignorant, nor am I the type of person who can live happily in denial.  If this pregnancy isn’t progressing, I want to know.  If my baby is just a bit of a slow-poke, I’m fine with that.  I really just want confirmation, and from the sounds of the other stories out there in Googletropolis, waiting is the only way to really know.

I really despise Limbo.  It’s the most painful place to be because there is no forward motion, no moving on.

I’m just stuck.

Sad, scared, and full of doubt.

I’m trying to maintain hope, but it only comes in tiny increments.

I am praying with every fiber of my being that Monday brings happy answers.

Even bad news would be something from which I could move forward…

I just need something.  A scrap.  A shred of information.

I just need it to be Monday.

10 comments on “Doubt

  1. MissTeddi
    September 6, 2012 at 4:40 pm #

    But you also said you saw lots of success stories too! Try not to focus on the negative. I know it feels like maybe you should try to mentally prepare for a let down because you have already had so many. Chin up though, the fat lady hasn’t sung yet.


    • Tracy
      September 6, 2012 at 4:46 pm #

      Damn that fat lady anyway… why does she even exist?? 😉

      Of course I know you’re right. I am trying to remain equally as positive as I am trying to prepare myself for what could be a reality…


  2. KelBel
    September 6, 2012 at 4:59 pm #

    BIG hugs for you! Maybe think of something fun to do this weekend so it doesn’t feel like such a long time until Monday? I am rooting for you to become a success story too!


  3. Erin
    September 6, 2012 at 5:00 pm #

    Ugh, I should have commented before and told you not to Google … Google is the devil. Not that you’d have been able to stop yourself, nor can you stop yourself from feeling the way you’re feeling right now. I’ve been in this situation and the best advice I can offer is to try to occupy yourself so you stay distracted until Monday. There’s still every reason to believe Monday could bring good news, and I’m really pulling for you.


  4. Katie
    September 6, 2012 at 5:07 pm #

    The waiting is the worst part. Hell, actually. I hope Monday is here fast for you…as I know an answer at least let’s you know one way or another. Hang in there.


  5. Erin C.
    September 6, 2012 at 6:15 pm #

    In my pregnancies with Maddie, Jake and Jax I had my first ultrasound at 20 weeks. My OB did not recommend doing them so early because it was sooo difficult to see anything at times. With exception of the twins, my 20 week anatomy scans were the only ultrasounds I had with the other kids. I understand your circumstances are much different than mine, but there’s gotta be a reason why the OB wants to see you back and why they even gave you a picture. Stay positive!!! We are all praying for your miracle!!! ❤


  6. cassiedash
    September 6, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

    I’m the most impatient person ever and I hate waiting, especially when it’s for something that’s so important. I say this weekend calls for some indulgence — your favorite foods, a marathon of your favorite movies, maybe even a pedicure or massage! Anything to make the waiting a tad easier. Just be kind to yourself and stay strong. We’re all here for you, friend. ~ hugs ~


  7. B
    September 6, 2012 at 6:26 pm #

    Waiting is the worst. And waiting with google access is beyond the worst…it is pure torture! I am hoping andy praying that Monday brings you the answer you deserve!


  8. Michelle
    September 7, 2012 at 2:28 am #

    Hopefully you can find something to take your mind off things this weekend and go in on Monday and they can see something. I’m rooting for you!


  9. Mrs P
    September 7, 2012 at 10:45 am #

    Hoping you get good news on Monday! All the very best to you x


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