The Big Day.

Wednesday, September 5th, 2012.  6weeks, 5days.

I realize that life has already given me many “big days” at this point, and that there are many, many more to come, but today… today is BIG.

In just a couple of hours, the husband and I will head to Dr. K’s office for our first ultrasound.

If things go well, we will see our little Gummy Bear!

If things go badly, we may leave the office with a whole different set of plans to make…

I’ve been careful so far.  Careful to ensure that any conversation about this pregnancy includes two possible paths diverging on this exact date.  One path leads to our miracle baby.  The other path loops around, and we head back to the starting line.

There are a few people who keep saying things like “Why do you let yourself think like that?” and “There’s no reason to think this won’t work out, so why are you focusing on the negative?”

That’s the thing… I let myself think about all possible outcomes so that no matter what happens, I am at least somewhat prepared.  And yes, there is a reason to think this may not work out, and I’m just trying to be realistic.

I’m doing it to protect myself.

It’s so easy to let the happiness run my life, and I really want to let it!  I just know that if the unthinkable happens today, I will only find comfort in the fact that it wasn’t so unthinkable… I’m not afraid because in my mind, I’ve been here before.  I know how to move forward from this.  I’m not lost.  I can try again.

Once I’ve accepted the idea that there are not always happy endings, I can be secure in the knowledge that I have faced the reality of every outcome.  I know what can happen… now I am allowed to hope for what I want to happen.

However, despite all that, only a very, very small part of me is preparing for the worst.

The rest of me is vibrating with hope that this rather obvious set of symptoms means that my Gummy Bear is healthy and growing, and that this first ultrasound will be the beginning of a happy path to our Take Home Baby.

Whatever happens, I will do my best to report back here as soon as I can.

I’m prepared to report bad news, but I fully expect to post my baby’s first photo.  🙂

8 comments on “The Big Day.

  1. veetamia
    September 5, 2012 at 7:54 am #

    Hoping for the best in your ultrasound!!! I feel exactly the same way…my ultrasound is tomorrow. My family keeps telling me to “relax” that this is it. I wish I still had that blind faith! Sending positive vibes your way 🙂


    • Tracy
      September 5, 2012 at 8:05 am #

      And to you, friend!

      It’s so easy to just expect everything to work out without a wrinkle when you had no wrinkles in getting pregnant, isn’t it? We’re just being careful and protecting ourselves… after all, that’s what we’ve had to do month after month for YEARS while just trying to get this far! We are just behaving in the manner that works for us…

      I hope tomorrow goes well for you, too!! 🙂


  2. Jen
    September 5, 2012 at 8:23 am #

    Hoping it goes SO well with the ultrasound. I think most of us in the IF world can completely understand why you are going into the appointment as cautiously optimistic. It sucks that we can’t let go of that fear and the “too much” knowledge we’ve acquired after so much time in the trenches and just be happy and excited like all the fertile myrtles out there. But I definitely understand that you want to prepare yourself.

    That being said, I hope that preparation is all for nothing and that your little gummy bear is strong and healthy!


  3. bloggingreluctantly
    September 5, 2012 at 8:40 am #

    Thinking about you! i’ve been following you for a while and have everything crossed!!!!


  4. infertileginger
    September 5, 2012 at 10:40 am #

    Hope it goes well for you! I’m the same way – I’m trying so hard not to get too excited for this pregnancy before the ultrasound (mine isn’t for another 11 days!). I hope you get good news!


  5. K.Smitty
    September 5, 2012 at 10:52 am #

    Very big day indeed! I hope you get great news and I’m sure we will all be waiting with baited breath for an update! Best of luck! 🙂


  6. zygotta
    September 5, 2012 at 11:02 am #

    Ba-by, ba-by, ba-by!!!


  7. cassiedash
    September 5, 2012 at 11:02 am #

    I so understand trying to be prepared for all scenarios because I do the same — but today, I am thinking only good thoughts for you! Wishing you the very best ultrasound, and a calm and peaceful heart in the time leading up to it! ~ hugs ~


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