Less Than Ideal.

The doctor didn’t see what he wanted.

At first, he didn’t see anything at all.

After a while though, he located something he thought was a gestational sac, although it was very small.

He expected to see something measuring about 10mm today, but what he found barely measured 5mm.

He expected to maybe even see the tiny flicker of a heartbeat.

There was none.

He wants to see me back again on Monday for a follow-up ultrasound, and if Gummy Bear hasn’t made it to 10mm by that point, I’ve basically been prepped on my options for miscarriage.

I have a tiny picture.  It’s sad and empty.

I keep hoping my bladder was too full, or my uterus was too tilted.

I keep hoping the doctor was wrong.

He was nice about it, though… He gave me some small shreds of hope.  His face told me what I needed to know, however.

I’m preparing for the worst, and hoping for a miracle.

Actually, preparing and hoping are on tap for tomorrow… for today, I’m just numb and sad and too upset to even eat my feelings.


Why can’t this be easy?

25 comments on “Less Than Ideal.

  1. Kimmy
    September 5, 2012 at 1:26 pm #

    Don’t “eat” your feelings. Feel them all ,of your hopes and dreams MATTER.xoxo


  2. Julie Conley
    September 5, 2012 at 1:35 pm #

    😦 oh Tracy. I don’t want to feed you any BS, but keep in mind that accurate measurements are very difficult when baby is so tiny. I will continue to hope and pray for your miracle. Big hugs!


  3. Tyger
    September 5, 2012 at 1:36 pm #

    …I have had this experience twice….both natural cycles before I started treatment, all I can offer is to let yourself feel them all, it will take time, and keep hope alive…


  4. Theresa
    September 5, 2012 at 1:37 pm #



  5. Patricia
    September 5, 2012 at 1:40 pm #

    “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” It will happen for you, Tracy!


  6. Jen
    September 5, 2012 at 1:46 pm #

    I’m so sorry things didn’t go as well as you’d hoped today. There’s still hope and I’m praying hard that gummy grows before Monday!


  7. TeeJay
    September 5, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

    I’m sorry it was not better news but don’t lose hope just yet. And the others are right, let yourself feel. I’ve heard the stories before of lots of growth in a short time and I really hope that you turn out to be one of those stories. I’ve got everything crossed for you. (((hugs)))


  8. Shelley
    September 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm #

    I’m so sorry. Fingers and toes are crossed for a miracle.


  9. auntmimi
    September 5, 2012 at 2:11 pm #

    I am going to be thinking about you all week until you go back to that doctor. Please take care of yourself during the wait.


  10. wearelearningtomakefire
    September 5, 2012 at 2:24 pm #

    I usually just lurk, but wanted to tell you how sorry I am that the news wasn’t better. Fingers and toes crossed for you.


  11. Mothernatureschmature
    September 5, 2012 at 2:31 pm #

    Waiting is so so hard, but all of it is hard. I hate that it can’t just go perfectly. I’ll be thinking of you.


  12. Jackiexoxo
    September 5, 2012 at 2:37 pm #

    I know today sucked, but its “normal” to only see a sac at 6 weeks…most doctors wait until 8 weeks to do an ultrasound for that reason… I am hoping and praying (you know that you’re always in my thoughts) that the lil gummy bear is growing!! Feel all the emotions and go with them, if you feel like punching the it. If you feel like bursting out in it! Let yourself feel. XOXO


  13. infertileginger
    September 5, 2012 at 2:41 pm #

    I’m so sorry you didn’t get better news today. I really hope things are better on Monday.


  14. Tanya
    September 5, 2012 at 2:50 pm #

    So sorry you didn’t get better news today. Praying that everything looks perfect on Monday. Until then, take care of yourself. Today you are pregnant, and you love your baby. (((HUGS)))


  15. danielletoendure
    September 5, 2012 at 3:23 pm #

    Thinking of you. What a difficult day. I wish it weren’t so. I am holding on to hope for Monday. Praying you get your miracle. Hugs to you.


  16. swisswife
    September 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm #

    Sending you lots of prayers!


  17. K.Smitty
    September 5, 2012 at 4:26 pm #

    Ugh. How frustrating! Why can’t things be simpler? I am praying SO HARD you get good news on Monday. Take care of yourself.


  18. cassiedash
    September 5, 2012 at 4:31 pm #

    Oh, Tracy, I’m sorry the news wasn’t what we were all wishing for. But I’m not giving up hope! I’ll be praying all weekend for you. ~ hugs ~


  19. B
    September 5, 2012 at 4:46 pm #

    I am so so sorry you did not get that joyous first appointment today. It makes me so mad how hard all of this is…it truly is not fair. I am hoping and praying that Monday brings your gummy bear where s/he needs to be. Thinking of you. Xoxo.


  20. disorientata
    September 5, 2012 at 5:40 pm #

    I’m sorry about this, hopefully you will have good news on Monday! xxx


  21. Amelia
    September 5, 2012 at 5:51 pm #

    sending light and love, hoping for the best.


  22. Katie
    September 5, 2012 at 8:10 pm #

    I am sorry that today was disappointing. I know the feeling. I hope things turn around for Monday.


  23. road2ourbaby
    September 5, 2012 at 8:54 pm #

    I really hope that things get better! I’ll be thinking of you.


  24. Deanna
    September 5, 2012 at 10:05 pm #

    This is not fair! I don’t want to give you false hope but maybe it is too early. This happened to me with Trevor they saw a sac but thought it was empty, I had to wait a very long week!! Thankfully it was worth the wait. I’m praying that is the case for you!


  25. zygotta
    September 6, 2012 at 12:46 pm #

    I ache for your gummy bear to be safe! Hugs. We are here – talk and share.


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