Wednesday, August 29th, 2012. 5weeks, 5days.
This post is a giant word dump.
I just need to get the thoughts swirling in my head out where I can read them, because they seem to be spinning too quickly for me to grab onto anything that makes sense lately…
Here we are again.
Waiting on beta results.
Waiting to find out if the other shoe is about to drop, or if that beta will have risen appropriately.
The thing that’s stressing me out right now is not the beta numbers at all…
The stress is coming from what my clinic thinks is “the appropriate doubling time”.
Apparently their office is rather strict with the 48-hour doubling rule. Despite that, the entire internet says that healthy HCG doubling time averages between 48 and 72 hours, and most doubling slows down after 5 or 6 weeks, which is exactly where I am.
My first and second betas doubled within 40 hours. Normal. Better than average, even.
My second and third betas doubled within 52ish hours. Normal according to the entire internet; below “what they like to see” according to NP CrankyPants. These tests were also 10 days apart…
What will be the doubling result of my third and fourth betas?
I figure I need a level around 1650 today, 26DPO, to put me within the 52ish hour doubling time I last showed.
It would need to be around 1420 or higher to be within the 72 hour doubling standard set by most authorities.
I swear to you all though, if that NP CrankyPants is the one that calls me with the results, and she has that sour attitude about my levels again, I’m going to ask to talk to the doctor and find out his professional opinion.
Maybe he will bring me in for another ultrasound to shut me up.
I kinda hope he does…
Despite all this stressing over things I can’t control, I really am trying to focus on what’s good.
No spotting. No major cramping. No signs of ectopic pregnancy. Normal beta and doubling levels according to the majority of information available. Early pregnancy symptoms are continuing steadily.
There is basically only one thing I fear right now.
I’m afraid of a blighted ovum. Or a baby that started to form, but stopped for whatever reason. I’m afraid to hear the doctor say that there’s a sac, but nothing in it. I’m afraid that there may be a sac with something in it, but it’s measuring smaller than it should be, or there is no evidence of a heartbeat.
I’m afraid that my body is holding on so desperately to something that isn’t meant to be, and is taking me for a ride at the same time.
Basically, I’m afraid.
I have faith, though. I’m praying in every spare second I have. Praying for time to pass faster, for this to be a healthy pregnancy that sticks, for my doctor to be mistaken.
I want what is meant to be… but I also want what is meant to be, to be what I want it to be.
I know it doesn’t always work that way…
And that’s why I’m spilling all of this now. I have to let it go. I’m doing my best to give it over to God and the internet. I’m trying with every fiber of my being to stay away from Google, and I’m trying not to be so jumpy when the phone rings.
Soon enough I’ll have the beta results. They are what they are, and what will be, will be.
I hope I look back at this post one day and laugh about how unnecessarily terrified I was. I hope I don’t even have time to finish reading the post because I have a screaming baby who needs my attention.
I hope that all of this distress is unwarranted.
I hope because it’s all I have sometimes. My glimmer these days is brighter, but sometimes it fades a bit. I’m afraid to move too quickly for fear of putting it out altogether.
And so, here we are again.
Funny how I’ve waited many times for many things, and with all that practice, it never gets easier…
Well. Funny might not be exactly the right word.