The Other Shoe

Wednesday, August 29th, 2012.  5weeks, 5days.


This post is a giant word dump. 

I just need to get the thoughts swirling in my head out where I can read them, because they seem to be spinning too quickly for me to grab onto anything that makes sense lately…

Here we are again.

Waiting on beta results.

Waiting to find out if the other shoe is about to drop, or if that beta will have risen appropriately.

The thing that’s stressing me out right now is not the beta numbers at all…

The stress is coming from what my clinic thinks is “the appropriate doubling time”.

Apparently their office is rather strict with the 48-hour doubling rule.  Despite that, the entire internet says that healthy HCG doubling time averages between 48 and 72 hours, and most doubling slows down after 5 or 6 weeks, which is exactly where I am.

My first and second betas doubled within 40 hours.  Normal.  Better than average, even.

My second and third betas doubled within 52ish hours.  Normal according to the entire internet; below “what they like to see” according to NP CrankyPants.  These tests were also 10 days apart…

What will be the doubling result of my third and fourth betas?

I figure I need a level around 1650 today, 26DPO, to put me within the 52ish hour doubling time I last showed.

It would need to be around 1420 or higher to be within the 72 hour doubling standard set by most authorities.

I swear to you all though, if that NP CrankyPants is the one that calls me with the results, and she has that sour attitude about my levels again, I’m going to ask to talk to the doctor and find out his professional opinion.

Maybe he will bring me in for another ultrasound to shut me up.

I kinda hope he does…

Despite all this stressing over things I can’t control, I really am trying to focus on what’s good.

No spotting.  No major cramping.  No signs of ectopic pregnancy.  Normal beta and doubling levels according to the majority of information available.  Early pregnancy symptoms are continuing steadily.

There is basically only one thing I fear right now.

I’m afraid of a blighted ovum.  Or a baby that started to form, but stopped for whatever reason.  I’m afraid to hear the doctor say that there’s a sac, but nothing in it.  I’m afraid that there may be a sac with something in it, but it’s measuring smaller than it should be, or there is no evidence of a heartbeat.

I’m afraid that my body is holding on so desperately to something that isn’t meant to be, and is taking me for a ride at the same time.

Basically, I’m afraid.

I have faith, though.  I’m praying in every spare second I have.  Praying for time to pass faster, for this to be a healthy pregnancy that sticks, for my doctor to be mistaken.

I want what is meant to be… but I also want what is meant to be, to be what I want it to be.

I know it doesn’t always work that way…

And that’s why I’m spilling all of this now.  I have to let it go.  I’m doing my best to give it over to God and the internet.  I’m trying with every fiber of my being to stay away from Google, and I’m trying not to be so jumpy when the phone rings.

Soon enough I’ll have the beta results.  They are what they are, and what will be, will be.

I hope I look back at this post one day and laugh about how unnecessarily terrified I was.  I hope I don’t even have time to finish reading the post because I have a screaming baby who needs my attention.

I hope that all of this distress is unwarranted.

I hope because it’s all I have sometimes.  My glimmer these days is brighter, but sometimes it fades a bit.  I’m afraid to move too quickly for fear of putting it out altogether.

And so, here we are again.


Funny how I’ve waited many times for many things, and with all that practice, it never gets easier…

Well.  Funny might not be exactly the right word.


9 comments on “The Other Shoe

  1. Jaclyn
    August 29, 2012 at 10:31 am #

    Huge HUGS sweetie! I am keeping you and MB in my prayers everyday!! I am so hopeful for you! oxox


  2. Michelle
    August 29, 2012 at 10:32 am #

    I understand your nervousness, but from what you’ve said you have great betas and great doubling times. Remember, the things that we hear about so often in this community are no the norm. Take heart! I’m looking forward to hearing the great results of your ultrasound next week.


  3. TeeJay
    August 29, 2012 at 10:33 am #

    Everything you are feeling is completely normal, first of all. We Inftertiles have all those same fears this early on. It’s like we get through one hurdle and we set up 100 more in our path. With so much information out there it’s hard not to get sucked in to all the bad that can happen. Trust me, I’ve been there and I visit there regularly.

    Second, I have also read that anything between 48 and 72 hours doubling time is perfectly normal. I don’t like that your nurse is stressing you out. We put enough stress on ourselves, we don’t need it from them too. She definitely needs a class in bedside (phone side) manners.

    I hope nothing but the best for you today and that the call comes in with wonderful news. I’ll be checking back regularly for an update. Hang in there…I’m hoping you have about 8 months left of waiting to meet your little miracle.


  4. swisswife
    August 29, 2012 at 10:50 am #

    I’m hoping for you too! I hope they call quickly and with good news.


  5. KelBel
    August 29, 2012 at 11:52 am #

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hoping you receive good news!!


  6. b
    August 29, 2012 at 12:00 pm #

    I definitely understand waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think after trying so long and having so many disappointments it is only natural. But there is NO reason for that to happen. The whole world wide web agrees 48 to 72 hours is a normal range. Maybe your nurse is just naturally cranky or dour? Hopefully you get the call soon and can put the worry behind you. Will be thinking of you today!


  7. Kristin
    August 29, 2012 at 12:26 pm #

    Lady, I get the anxiety waiting for those beta results. Your levels and numbers are just so fabulous. Hold on to that knowledge. Best of luck!


  8. Kimmy
    August 29, 2012 at 12:37 pm #

    I am not well versed on the calculations and numbers but I am familiar with the waiting,the anxiousness and the mind marathon. It is so easy to say “relax, don’t worry etc” but we both know that is not going to happen. I am sending you my positive thoughts and hopes- add them to yours and to the others sent to you from readers of your blog , friends and family–then hold on to them tightly!


  9. Denelle de la Torre
    August 29, 2012 at 2:23 pm #

    I know exactly what your saying and you have expressed the exact same fears I have been harboring for the past week. I’m already showing complications with blood pressure and I’m at 7 weeks tomorrow.

    I pray to God we both have safe pregnancies and our babies are born alive and well.


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