Status

On Persistence

I am never usually at a loss for words, but today is one of those rare occasions.  I’m just having a hard time piecing together what has gone down in the past couple of days.  I’ll try to replay it all for you.

Let me start from the beginning…

Remember the day I posted about needing to take a step back, and wanting to give up testing until the beta?

Lies.

I couldn’t do it.  I temped, and tested, and analyzed and scrutinized and hypothesized.

I peed on ALL. THE. STICKS.

All the sticks in the house, all the sticks in the store, all the sticks in town!

They started to have more than one line on Monday night, which was the husband’s 32nd birthday… I thought I was hallucinating, but then I caved and tried the special stick I’d been saving:

After seeing that on Monday night, and promptly flipping my shit, I called the doctor.  I may have called under the false pretenses of “double-checking” on what day I needed to get my beta, and the nurse kindly allowed me to come in for a blood draw on Wednesday, which was only 12DPO.

Mistake.

They called me with the results that afternoon:

HCG – 17

Progesterone – 32

They told me that was low and I shouldn’t get my hopes up.  I was to test again on Friday, today, the day I was originally supposed to have my beta.

I spent the next 48 hours in a tailspin.  I Googled every possible scenario in which this could still be the trigger showing up in my system, or in which I was having a chemical pregnancy, or in which I was having an ectopic pregnancy.  I barely allowed myself to be happy I even had enough HCG in my blood to register a technical positive, which has never happened before.

This morning, I showed up at the lab bright and early.  Despite the fat, old, sweaty, smellin’-like-cat-piss lady that sat next to me in the waiting room, the trip was uneventful.

The nurse called me with my results around lunchtime:

HCG – 39

More than double.

Doubling time of 40.5 hours.

The standard for a healthy pregnancy is a doubling time of at least 48 – 72 hours.

So.

I’m pregnant.

HOLY BALLS.

I never thought I would type those words.  Or say them to the husband.  Or my mother.

Four weeks today.

Estimated due date, April 26th, 2013.

I’m also scared out of my mind that something could go wrong.  What if this level is too low?  What if this is a chemical pregnancy?  What if I tested waaaaaay too early??

For now, I know that I’m going to be terrified.  I can handle that.  I will probably pee on sticks once a week until my first ultrasound (OMGHOWCRAZYISTHAT???) on September 5th, when they hope to be able to detect a heartbeat.

I just need to make it three more weeks…

I’m so sorry I had to be away for days on end.  I know you’ve all been checking on me because I had my busiest blog day EVER yesterday, and I didn’t even post anything, LOL.

I just love you all so much.

After three and a half years of Robot Sex, pills, BatshitCrazyTracy on hormones, Aunt Flo month after bloody month, and shooting up in public restrooms, I finally have what I have been trying so hard for.

The moral of the story is this:

DON’T STOP TRYING, OR IT MAY NEVER HAPPEN.

I am so happy I didn’t.

So unbelievably happy…

**Edit:  In case you are reading this post without knowing the whole story, I’m sorry to have to offer this update.  This beautiful, hoped-for, long-awaited day would come to an end a little over a month later.  Our little miracle, our Gummy Bear, never grew much, and we never saw a heartbeat.  I miscarried at 9 weeks, sadly.  The story, while sad, does get better, in its own way… If you are here looking for hope, then I hope you’ve found some.  There is hope to be had, and miracles do indeed happen.  This was not my time, and this was not my miracle, but that doesn’t mean that your miracle isn’t just around the next corner.  XOXO**

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53 comments on “On Persistence

  1. Katie
    August 17, 2012 at 9:51 pm #

    Woooohoooo! That chart was just too pretty not to be positive! Yeah!

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 18, 2012 at 9:58 am #

      Thank you, friend! It was a pretty chart! I may just frame it… 😉

      Like

  2. Julie Conley
    August 17, 2012 at 10:02 pm #

    Soooooo oooooooo oooooooo ooooooo ooooooo happy for you, Tracy! So excited to read your pregnant blogs. I know you will be even more hilar than ever. 😉

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 18, 2012 at 9:59 am #

      Thank you, Julie! You have been one of my ROCKS through this process… 🙂

      Like

  3. Vicki
    August 17, 2012 at 10:05 pm #

    YAY!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATS!! That brings a tear to my eye. Now it will be impossible but try and relax and enjoy this as much as you can. 😉

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 18, 2012 at 10:00 am #

      Thank you! I’m going to enjoy this very much… relaxation, though? Probably not. 😉

      Like

  4. Jackie
    August 17, 2012 at 10:25 pm #

    Sobing here!!!!!! I am so happy for you! This is a blessing. Stay calm, breathe, relax as much as possible!!!!. congratulations mike & tracy!!!!!! You did it!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 18, 2012 at 10:01 am #

      This is such an amazing blessing! I am so thankful for friends like you!!!!!

      Like

  5. Tanya
    August 17, 2012 at 10:32 pm #

    Yea!!!! Congratulations! 🙂
    And April 26th is a great day to have a baby– it’s my birthday! 🙂

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 18, 2012 at 10:01 am #

      It IS?? That’s amazing!!! Yesss!!! 😀

      Like

  6. Tyger
    August 17, 2012 at 10:35 pm #

    Congrats! I’m so happy for you, and have new hope!

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 18, 2012 at 10:02 am #

      Thank you! Keep that hope alive, even when it gets tough. I had my dark moments, but I never would have made it here without the hope ignited in me by others going through this. You will be here too, soon!!

      Like

  7. K.Smitty
    August 17, 2012 at 10:53 pm #

    AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Yay! I am so happy for you, Tracy! Congrats!

    Like

    • K.Smitty
      August 18, 2012 at 9:18 am #

      Ok, I saw this very sleepy-eyed last night, but after a good nights sleep, I wanted to share a couple thoughts… First, you should know I can’t help but keep rereading this post! I am still so happy for you! Second, I know the next three weeks will be tough. But if you make it to that appt and hear the heartbeat, I really hope that eases all your worries that this is real! In the meantime, here are some thoughts I want to share that I’ve had in past TWWs, which I’m sure may have already crossed your mind, but just in case they haven,t….it does appear that you had an implantation dip at 7DPO. You said so yourself. You know that this is a perfect number which does NOT point towards it being ectopic. Second, you also know your beta #s were low because your first one came in at 12DPO. If you make it through the next few days, I would also say that chemical pregnancy is out. Sure, a lot can still happen in 3 weeks, but I hope you spend these next 3 weeks HAPPY. You definitely deserve that 🙂

      XO

      Like

      • Tracy
        August 18, 2012 at 10:05 am #

        You are so right. About all of it. I just need to take this one day at a time, and enjoy every second of this process.

        I can rationalize a lot of things, so I don’t know why I’m having so much trouble wrapping my head around something GOOD happening for a change! I just hate that infertility has us constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

        Well, it’s about time this happened. I’m going to do my best to keep it together for the next 3 weeks, and THEN I will truly start to enjoy myself!! 🙂

        Like

  8. b
    August 17, 2012 at 11:03 pm #

    Yaaaaaay!! So incredibly happy for you! Fingers crossed for a happy and sticky nine months!!

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 18, 2012 at 10:13 am #

      Thank you, friend! Sticky is right!! As long s it’s sticky, it’ll be happy!!

      Like

  9. justinelevine
    August 17, 2012 at 11:12 pm #

    Tracy, CONGRATULATIONS!!! So thrilled for you … you’re the second blogger in my feed this week to announce happy news! Sending positive thoughts your way …

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 18, 2012 at 10:13 am #

      Thank you!! I will take those positive thoughts! 😀

      Like

  10. Lo
    August 17, 2012 at 11:20 pm #

    Holy shit balls!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Bawling tears of joy and excitement for you my friend!

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 18, 2012 at 10:14 am #

      Shit balls is right!!! So crazy!! Thank you so much for being my feisty supporter, my friend!!! 😀

      Like

  11. danielletoendure
    August 17, 2012 at 11:29 pm #

    Yeah!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations! I’m soooo happy for you! Can’t wait for the ultrasound!

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 18, 2012 at 10:16 am #

      You and me both, friend! Thank you! 😀

      Like

  12. Rachel
    August 18, 2012 at 1:45 am #

    Ermahgawd! I’m so happy for you! I can’t wait to hear your take on morning sickness and swollen ankles – just wait till you see that weird little alien throbbing tube inside you at your 6 week scan (I promise it looks like a baby later on) – oh Tracey, I’m just over the moon for you – screw the rest of the world, you make your own people now!!! Congrats sweetheart!

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 18, 2012 at 10:17 am #

      Haha! Oh man, I can’t wait to see the little alien! Oh, and I will be puking my brains out with a smile on my face. You can put MONEY on that! 😉

      Also, I may have to get a shirt that says “Screw you all – I make my own people!” 😉

      Like

  13. Randa
    August 18, 2012 at 4:02 am #

    That’s freaking AWESOME!!!!!!! Congratulations!! We are so happy for you and Mike!!

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 18, 2012 at 10:18 am #

      Thank you so much! Friends like you are the reason we’ve been able to make it this far… seriously. And I’m going to need some baby advice in a few months, so I’m sure I’ll be hitting you up for more support soon!! 😉

      Like

  14. Lesley
    August 18, 2012 at 8:50 am #

    You made me cry this morning in my hotel. I love you guys and I know you guys are going to be amazing parents. I’ll keep you in my thoughts for an easy an uneventful pregnancy!

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 18, 2012 at 10:19 am #

      There’s no crying at the Con!! 😉 Thank you so much, my friend. You are so amazingly strong, and you inspired me to keep going on more occasions than you know. Just… thank you.

      Like

      • Lesley
        August 21, 2012 at 3:42 pm #

        Ditto. 🙂

        Like

  15. MissTeddi
    August 18, 2012 at 9:45 am #

    I am in tears of joy as well! So, so happy. Steps forward of any kind make me happy. I couldn’t even finish reading the blog to DH cause I was breaking up. That little baby has one incredible prayer chain behind it. (and yes I refreshed your blog about 6 times yesterday!)

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 18, 2012 at 10:21 am #

      Thank you so much, Teddi!! I’m happy and excited, and trying to remember that whatever happens, this IS a step forward. I have to think though, that with the people storming the heavens for this kid, he or she (or THEY – ERMAHGERD!) has to hang in there!!

      Thank you for your support and friendship and encouragement – Seriously. ❤

      Like

  16. April Brown
    August 18, 2012 at 10:18 am #

    Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I got tears in my eyes reading this wonderful news! I’m so happy for you. Enjoy your pregnancy, it is so well deserved! ❤

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 18, 2012 at 10:22 am #

      Thank you!!! This is pretty amazing!! 🙂

      Like

  17. B
    August 18, 2012 at 10:44 am #

    You are so pregnant!!! I was one of those people refreshing your page and stalking your chart, but you already know that from Twitter. 😉 This is the best news I’ve had all week! (Well, that and my news at my NT scan on Monday of course.) I’ve been waiting with fingers tightly crossed for a post just like this from you.
    For surviving the next 3 weeks- trust that your body is doing everything it can for this baby. Keep taking your vitamins. Take a lot of deep breaths. Find some kind of mantra you can repeat in your head when the anxiety pops up- I chose “My body is perfectly capable of growing this baby.” Know that at this point you can only control the inputs, not the outcomes. So rest up, eat as much while you still can (or pray that you won’t end up with horrible vom-fest strength morning sickness like me!), and try your best to trust that this is going to be your take home baby!
    You can email or tweet to me anytime. I totally get what you are going through right now because I went through it all 2 months ago. That initial “holy shit I’m actually pregnant and omg the betas are actually doubling and oh wow what is this about an ultrasound for purposes other than checking out my follicles???”, then the things to come in the next few weeks, and beyond.
    Congratulations again Tracy! This is so wonderful.

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 21, 2012 at 4:03 pm #

      Thank you, my friend! I was pretty happy to read your news as well!

      I’m trying to remain calm. It helps that the OB set me up for my first appointment for next week! There won’t be an ultrasound, but it will be somewhat reassuring to have SOMEthing to keep me going until September 5th.

      I’m also thrilled that we can go through this together! You are just far enough ahead to be able to warn me about what’s next. 😉 Thank you, as always, for your friendship and support! Let’s do this thing!! 😀

      Like

  18. swisswife
    August 18, 2012 at 2:15 pm #

    Yay, so very very happy for you 🙂 H&H 9 mos and STICKY VIBES!!!!!

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 21, 2012 at 4:03 pm #

      Thank you!! Sticky is what we’re going for right now… after that, fingers and toes! 😉

      Like

  19. Admin
    August 18, 2012 at 3:53 pm #

    I’m overjoyed and can’t wait to be an Aunt! Plus, it doesn’t hurt that this aunt is an ultrasound tech who will never think your crazy if you “just need to check that baby is okay”. Come see me anytime 🙂 Love you!!!

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 18, 2012 at 4:15 pm #

      Hahaha… spoiler alert – that’s why I called you today!! 😉

      Like

    • Tracy
      August 21, 2012 at 4:04 pm #

      Oh Admin… you are so not helping my obsessive craving for the dildocam! 😉

      I can’t wait for you to be an aunt either, and I may just take you up on your offer… down the road of course!

      ❤ SysOp

      Like

  20. KelBel
    August 18, 2012 at 7:10 pm #

    I got goosebumps when I scrolled down and saw “I’m pregnant.” SO Happy for you!

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 21, 2012 at 4:06 pm #

      Goosebumps may be more appropriate than the response I had, which was to hold back the vomit. LOL. This has been nerve-wracking, but I am starting to find some peace and am able to enjoy the process a bit.

      Thank you, friend!! 🙂

      Like

  21. OnceUponABFP
    August 18, 2012 at 8:32 pm #

    Congrats so much! I’ve been silently following your journey and I’m so happy for you! 🙂

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 21, 2012 at 4:06 pm #

      Thank you for the congrats! And that’s okay, the BFPs always bring out the lurkers. 😉

      Like

  22. Michelle
    August 19, 2012 at 5:08 am #

    Your post made me break out into happy tears. Congratulations!!! So happy for you and can’t wait to read your continuing story.

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 21, 2012 at 4:07 pm #

      Aww… happy tears!! Thank you! I can’t wait to blog about morning sickness and hemorrhoids. Seriously.

      Bring. It. On. 😉

      Like

  23. Stupid Stork
    August 19, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

    Yaaaaaay! I’ve missed so much.

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 21, 2012 at 4:08 pm #

      Oh you know, nothing major… just a FREAKING BFP, BITCHES! 😉

      I am still a little in shock about it, haha. But thank you for checking in, and for your continued support, my friend! 🙂

      Like

  24. Julie
    August 20, 2012 at 3:51 pm #

    I’m so happy for you. I’m a new follower but not new at trying to conceive, myself. You and I were inseminated on the same day this time, I believe. Even though I am negative, I am really happy you are finally a positive. Good luck to you.

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 21, 2012 at 4:10 pm #

      Thank you, friend, both for the congrats and for the follow. 🙂

      I have been where you are, and honestly, the only way I made it here was with the support of my real-life friends and family, and the amazing support system that is the online IF community.

      I’m sorry about your negative, but just remember: Once a member of this community, always a member. You can reach out to any one of us at any time for support or advice or a virtual shoulder to cry on, and we are happy to give it.

      Hang in there, friend! Your turn is around the bend!! 🙂

      Like

  25. Jen
    August 21, 2012 at 12:33 pm #

    Congratulations! One of my FB friends posted a link to your donation page. I found your blog through there, just a few days before you found out the awesome news! I’ll pray for you and your family as you come to mind.

    Like

    • Tracy
      August 21, 2012 at 4:11 pm #

      Thank you so much! You know, it’s a funny thing about that fundraiser… apparently all my uterus needed was a little ultimatum to start really producing. 😉

      I appreciate you stopping in, and am SO thankful for your prayers. ❤

      Like

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