Month: August 2012

First Prenatal Appointment


Friday, August 31st, 2012.  6weeks!

It feels foreign to even type “First Prenatal Appointment”… And let me tell you, the foreignness doesn’t stop there!  The whole time I was in the OB’s office yesterday, they kept saying things like “your pregnancy” and “your due date” and “your baby

Crazy, man.  Just crazy.

I’m progressively feeling a lot more confident about this whole pregnancy thing.  It’s a slow progression, but I’m getting there.

So yesterday I met with the OB, Dr. B.  He’s a big, jolly man (not unlike Santa), and he thought it was hilarious that I met with him just over a month ago for the first time, and here I am:  pregnant.  He said he knows that Dr. K was probably the big reason why it happened so quickly (ha.), but he feels like he should get some credit.

He’s a funny guy.  I like him.  🙂

We went through the basics… family and personal medical histories, habits, lifestyle, et cetera.  I had my lovely pelvic exam, got a requisition for a gallon of blood to be taken, and they gave me an Estimated Due Date based on last menstrual period:  April 23rd, 2013.

For now, I’m keeping with my original EDD based on my ovulation date, however:  April 26th.  I just want to be as accurate as possible in the beginning.  It doesn’t matter to me when the baby comes (as long as it’s not too early), but I want to be exact on how many days along the baby is development-wise.

As of today, based on ovulation, I am 6 weeks pregnant!

And it’s a Blue Moon!  I feel like that’s special or something.  Like it was meant to make me feel better… Maybe it’s because I was ovulating during the last full moon.

I’m going to take it as a sign.  😉
And so, the countdown is on.  FIVE DAYS TILL THE ULTRASOUND.

I have a lot of fun things planned in the meantime…

Tonight I’m going with the husband up to Michigan State for the home opener and some non-alcoholic tailgating.  I also get to hang out with a good friend I haven’t seen much since high school!  It’s sure to be a good time.  Besides all that, we got married on the MSU campus, so it feels special whenever we are there together.  🙂

The rest of the weekend is sprinkled with fun little things like the Doctor Who season premier party tomorrow night, a cute little pregnancy announcement photo shoot with one of my TTCBFFs on Monday, and the kicker is that I am taking an extra couple of days off!

Tuesday is the day I get to see my girlfriends and their little girls in Frankenmuth for some well-mannered frivolity, and Wednesday is ultrasound day!

The thing I’m most excited for is spending time with the husband, though.  He started a new shift where he is working Friday and Saturday days, and Sunday and Monday nights.  Ugh.  This weekend though, he has extra time available and some paid holiday time, so we can hang out and relax and generally just enjoy each other.

Yay for marital bliss.  🙂

I hope to update the blog with some pictures of all of these fun times soon!  If you’re reading from the US, then have a very happy Labor Day weekend!  If not… well, then have a great regular weekend!  😉

TTFN, friends!


My Little “B” Student


I finally got the call back from Dr. K and NP CrankyPants, who thankfully was far less cranky than usual today.


Doubling time of 61 hours and some change, which is perfectly normal.  And that’s according to the internet AND the doctor!

NP CrankyPants even had Dr. K look over the results, and he was happy with the increase.  He said he loves to see 48 hour doubling from his “A” students, but anything better than 72 hours at this point is well within a passing grade.

I told them that I had been worried, and NP CP reassured me that if the doctor was happy with the result then there was nothing I should worry about.  My job is to eat, sleep, and fortheloveofGOD, hydrate.

My little “B” student is still in there, and just fine as far as anyone knows.  And that’s going to have to be good enough for me.

One week till the ultrasound… I can do this!

Thanks for the supportive words, friends.  My sanity would never make it through crap like this without all of you!!  🙂


The Other Shoe

Wednesday, August 29th, 2012.  5weeks, 5days.


This post is a giant word dump. 

I just need to get the thoughts swirling in my head out where I can read them, because they seem to be spinning too quickly for me to grab onto anything that makes sense lately…

Here we are again.

Waiting on beta results.

Waiting to find out if the other shoe is about to drop, or if that beta will have risen appropriately.

The thing that’s stressing me out right now is not the beta numbers at all…

The stress is coming from what my clinic thinks is “the appropriate doubling time”.

Apparently their office is rather strict with the 48-hour doubling rule.  Despite that, the entire internet says that healthy HCG doubling time averages between 48 and 72 hours, and most doubling slows down after 5 or 6 weeks, which is exactly where I am.

My first and second betas doubled within 40 hours.  Normal.  Better than average, even.

My second and third betas doubled within 52ish hours.  Normal according to the entire internet; below “what they like to see” according to NP CrankyPants.  These tests were also 10 days apart…

What will be the doubling result of my third and fourth betas?

I figure I need a level around 1650 today, 26DPO, to put me within the 52ish hour doubling time I last showed.

It would need to be around 1420 or higher to be within the 72 hour doubling standard set by most authorities.

I swear to you all though, if that NP CrankyPants is the one that calls me with the results, and she has that sour attitude about my levels again, I’m going to ask to talk to the doctor and find out his professional opinion.

Maybe he will bring me in for another ultrasound to shut me up.

I kinda hope he does…

Despite all this stressing over things I can’t control, I really am trying to focus on what’s good.

No spotting.  No major cramping.  No signs of ectopic pregnancy.  Normal beta and doubling levels according to the majority of information available.  Early pregnancy symptoms are continuing steadily.

There is basically only one thing I fear right now.

I’m afraid of a blighted ovum.  Or a baby that started to form, but stopped for whatever reason.  I’m afraid to hear the doctor say that there’s a sac, but nothing in it.  I’m afraid that there may be a sac with something in it, but it’s measuring smaller than it should be, or there is no evidence of a heartbeat.

I’m afraid that my body is holding on so desperately to something that isn’t meant to be, and is taking me for a ride at the same time.

Basically, I’m afraid.

I have faith, though.  I’m praying in every spare second I have.  Praying for time to pass faster, for this to be a healthy pregnancy that sticks, for my doctor to be mistaken.

I want what is meant to be… but I also want what is meant to be, to be what I want it to be.

I know it doesn’t always work that way…

And that’s why I’m spilling all of this now.  I have to let it go.  I’m doing my best to give it over to God and the internet.  I’m trying with every fiber of my being to stay away from Google, and I’m trying not to be so jumpy when the phone rings.

Soon enough I’ll have the beta results.  They are what they are, and what will be, will be.

I hope I look back at this post one day and laugh about how unnecessarily terrified I was.  I hope I don’t even have time to finish reading the post because I have a screaming baby who needs my attention.

I hope that all of this distress is unwarranted.

I hope because it’s all I have sometimes.  My glimmer these days is brighter, but sometimes it fades a bit.  I’m afraid to move too quickly for fear of putting it out altogether.

And so, here we are again.


Funny how I’ve waited many times for many things, and with all that practice, it never gets easier…

Well.  Funny might not be exactly the right word.



Scary Day

Monday, August 27th, 2012.  5weeks, 4days.

I’ve had some concerns in the past 24 hours – some slight cramping and discomfort, which I know can be perfectly normal, and then last night as I went to bed, the real issue started.

My heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest as soon as I laid down.  It kept up its pace throughout the night, and into the morning.  I called Dr. K’s office this morning to let them know, and they asked for me to come in to be checked out.

My blood pressure was alright, but my heart rate was something like 115bpm, which had Dr. K concerned.  He ordered an ultrasound, early though it is, to be sure I didn’t have some mild ovarian hyperstimulation.

The ultrasound showed no fluid around my uterus or ovaries, and no cysts or evidence of an ectopic pregnancy.  It’s a few days too early to see much, but the doctor thought he could see just a blip of something that looked like a gestational sac right up at the top of my uterus.  Right where it should be, he said.

I was also sent for a boatload of blood work to ensure that I wasn’t showing signs of an infection or overactive thyroid, and those all came back fine.  They think maybe I’m just dehydrated, but I’m to call back tomorrow to report on how I feel and my heart rate numbers so they can be sure nothing is wrong.

Oh, and while the lovely lab ladies were taking gallons of blood, they also did a third beta, just to check things out:  920.

Twelve days ago it was 17.  Ten days ago it was 39:  Doubling time just over 40 hours.

Today it was 920, which slows my doubling time to just over 52 hours.

Now I know that most doctors like to see doubling times between 48 and 72 hours, but the nurse practitioner who called me with the results sounded like that wasn’t great.  I guess their office is pretty strict on the 48 hours thing…

And so, I am going back to repeat the beta again on Wednesday.

I’m now feeling even less reassured than I was before, and on top of that, all heart-poundy and light-headed too.


Only nine more days till the ultrasound that (God willing) shows me the heartbeat that will finally let me breathe.

Nine more days.

I can do this.


Foreign Invasion

Tuesday, August 21st, 2012.  4weeks, 4days.

First of all, thank you.

Thanks to every single one of you who congratulated me, or cried happy tears on my behalf, or said a prayer, or jumped up and down in excitement.  I appreciate it all more than you know.

Secondly, to my friends who are still trying… I love you.  I know where you are right now, and I know the feeling of being happy for a fellow IF-er to leave the fold, but still feeling sad for being left behind.

I was left behind so many times.

Just because I’m here now, does not guarantee me a Take Home Baby, and one thing I want to make perfectly clear is this:

Once you are a member of this Harem of Infertiles, you are in for Life.

We don’t turn our backs on our own just because our girl-parts start miraculously working, and we don’t stop having feelings of loneliness when others don’t understand what we’ve been through.  We still need each other, and those of us who have managed to conceive are not in any way above those who are still struggling.

There.  That’s out.  🙂

Now to get back to what everyone is used to, let’s talk about my junk.

I’m pregnant.

Sometimes I just need to say it to believe it.  Kind of like right after you get married and you introduce everyone to your husband, and you sort of giggle a little because it’s all so new and a bit unbelievable.

It’s early, and we have told a few people.  The family, and some people close to us, and of course my friends, the readers of this blog.  My coworkers also know, mostly because they were here when I got the call, and it’s not like you can hide that kind of news from people you spend more time with than your own spouse.

Everyone is happy.  I know that there are a few who are nervous for us, mostly because this is so new and it’s so early and so many things can happen.

I know.  I’m there too.

Alternately, I’m also giddy that this happened, terrified about the future, and just plain overwhelmed with the whole thing.

The thing where I have a freaking person growing inside of me.

Right.  That.

I just want to see this little critter.  I want it to have a heartbeat, and I want to see it and hear it and know that at least for now, things are okay.

I have to wait until September 5th for that particular experience, however.

I did manage to wrangle an appointment with my OB for a week from today, but that will mainly be blood work and peeing in cups and the usual.  No dildocam, sadly.

People have been asking how I’m feeling…


I get it.  They expect me to be all vomitty and fat.

Well, I’m not.


As far as early pregnancy symptoms, I really didn’t have ANY before the second beta came back.

All I have going on now is occasional frequent urination, a lovely bit of loosening bowels (ew), gigantic, pulsating ta-tas that HURT, and the ravenous urge now and then to consume an entire herd of cattle.

There’s also this tight-feeling abs thing.  I mean, I don’t have a six-pack or anything, but my whole midsection feels like I did six thousand sit-ups.

I’ve also suddenly become a moron.  It’s like I can’t string words together, can’t remember where the milk is at the grocery store, and the other day I forgot how to get home.  I hope this is temporary, but some people have told me that it’s not… Great.

So, as of now, not a whole lot to update.  I can tell you that I’m thrilled, and so is the husband, and we can’t wait to announce this to more people.  We would like to wait until after we see Gummi Bear’s heartbeat though, so we have a couple more weeks to wait.

Oh, but when that time comes?  Look out, world.

I’m gonna crash the motherlovin’ internet.  😉



Soundtrack… Sunday? :: There Can Be Miracles

Anyone remember the Disney movie, Prince of Egypt?  I think it came out when I was seventeen or so… I have always loved animation, and having been raised in the church, it was nice to see a mainstream animated film cover history and religion.

It helped that the movie had a killer soundtrack.

I was flipping channels this morning (I haven’t been able to sleep in at ALL lately…), and came across this movie.  I figured I’d just let it play in the background while I did some housework.

Then this song came on.  I had forgotten all about this beautiful Mariah/Whitney mash-up until I heard it again…

I lost it.  Dissolved.

I know that this was playing just for me.

I needed this today…

I needed a miracle.

When You Believe :: Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston

Many nights we’ve prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts, a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there’s much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could

There can be miracles when you believe
Though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

Oh yeah, in this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I’m standing here
My heart so full I can’t explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I’d say

They don’t always happen when you ask
And it’s easy to give in to your fears
But when you’re blinded by your pain
Can’t see the way, get through the rain
A small but still, resilient voice
Says hope is very near

You will when you
You will when you believe
Just believe
I believe, I believe
Just believe
You will when you believe


Soundtrack Saturday :: Only Hope

It’s been a while since I’ve posted one of these… but today seems like a good day to bring it back.

This is the song I walked down the aisle to at my wedding.  I’m not usually the cheesy chick-flick type, and theatrical ballads aren’t typically my thing.  And yet, something about this song is so beautiful and powerful.  It was the perfect choice for the soundtrack of my wedding – my life changing was from that of just a girl to that of somebody’s wife, best friend, life co-conspirator.

It seems so completely appropriate today.

I’m no longer just a girl, or a wife.

I’m going to be somebody’s mother. 

How beautiful is that?

Only Hope :: Switchfoot (vocals by Mandy Moore)

There’s a song that’s inside of my soul
It’s the one that I’ve tried to write over and over again
I’m awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you’re my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you’re my only hope

I give You my destiny
I’m giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I’m giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you’re my only hope


On Persistence

I am never usually at a loss for words, but today is one of those rare occasions.  I’m just having a hard time piecing together what has gone down in the past couple of days.  I’ll try to replay it all for you.

Let me start from the beginning…

Remember the day I posted about needing to take a step back, and wanting to give up testing until the beta?


I couldn’t do it.  I temped, and tested, and analyzed and scrutinized and hypothesized.

I peed on ALL. THE. STICKS.

All the sticks in the house, all the sticks in the store, all the sticks in town!

They started to have more than one line on Monday night, which was the husband’s 32nd birthday… I thought I was hallucinating, but then I caved and tried the special stick I’d been saving:

After seeing that on Monday night, and promptly flipping my shit, I called the doctor.  I may have called under the false pretenses of “double-checking” on what day I needed to get my beta, and the nurse kindly allowed me to come in for a blood draw on Wednesday, which was only 12DPO.


They called me with the results that afternoon:

HCG – 17

Progesterone – 32

They told me that was low and I shouldn’t get my hopes up.  I was to test again on Friday, today, the day I was originally supposed to have my beta.

I spent the next 48 hours in a tailspin.  I Googled every possible scenario in which this could still be the trigger showing up in my system, or in which I was having a chemical pregnancy, or in which I was having an ectopic pregnancy.  I barely allowed myself to be happy I even had enough HCG in my blood to register a technical positive, which has never happened before.

This morning, I showed up at the lab bright and early.  Despite the fat, old, sweaty, smellin’-like-cat-piss lady that sat next to me in the waiting room, the trip was uneventful.

The nurse called me with my results around lunchtime:

HCG – 39

More than double.

Doubling time of 40.5 hours.

The standard for a healthy pregnancy is a doubling time of at least 48 – 72 hours.


I’m pregnant.


I never thought I would type those words.  Or say them to the husband.  Or my mother.

Four weeks today.

Estimated due date, April 26th, 2013.

I’m also scared out of my mind that something could go wrong.  What if this level is too low?  What if this is a chemical pregnancy?  What if I tested waaaaaay too early??

For now, I know that I’m going to be terrified.  I can handle that.  I will probably pee on sticks once a week until my first ultrasound (OMGHOWCRAZYISTHAT???) on September 5th, when they hope to be able to detect a heartbeat.

I just need to make it three more weeks…

I’m so sorry I had to be away for days on end.  I know you’ve all been checking on me because I had my busiest blog day EVER yesterday, and I didn’t even post anything, LOL.

I just love you all so much.

After three and a half years of Robot Sex, pills, BatshitCrazyTracy on hormones, Aunt Flo month after bloody month, and shooting up in public restrooms, I finally have what I have been trying so hard for.

The moral of the story is this:


I am so happy I didn’t.

So unbelievably happy…

**Edit:  In case you are reading this post without knowing the whole story, I’m sorry to have to offer this update.  This beautiful, hoped-for, long-awaited day would come to an end a little over a month later.  Our little miracle, our Gummy Bear, never grew much, and we never saw a heartbeat.  I miscarried at 9 weeks, sadly.  The story, while sad, does get better, in its own way… If you are here looking for hope, then I hope you’ve found some.  There is hope to be had, and miracles do indeed happen.  This was not my time, and this was not my miracle, but that doesn’t mean that your miracle isn’t just around the next corner.  XOXO**


Facebook Down!

Hey all,
Just a quick update to let you know that I had to take down the blog’s Facebook page temporarily.  Don’t be alarmed, there was just a problem with posts and Facebook is addressing it.

I’ll have Facebook back up soon, and hopefully some news to report, too!

Keep hanging on, friends.  🙂



Radio Silence 2.0

This whole triphasic chart thing has me totally worked up.

I’m making myself so crazy that I can’t eat, can’t sleep, and can’t focus.  I spent the whole night Googling scenarios in which I could be pregnant, and scenarios in which I could be a completely non-pregnant nutcase.

This may be counter-intuitive, and it may make a few people crazy, but I think I need to step back for a couple of days.

Hear me out:

If I keep speculating at this anxiety-inducing pace, I’m going to hyperventilate and lose all my hair by Beta Day.

If I do end up pregnant, I will want a day or two to digest the information, tell the family, and generally have every manner of freak-out imaginable.

If I’m NOT pregnant, I will need a few days to recover.  This cycle is by the book, and every sign is pointing to pregnancy.  That’s what makes me so nervous and hesitant to believe it.  I need to stop thinking about what could be, and just focus for now on what is.

If I back off for a few days, I can attempt to live a somewhat normal life and then my fate will be in the hands of the lab tech who calls with my test results.

Trust me, when the day comes that I finally get that BFP, you all will know right away.  I just have too much invested in this cycle, and really need to back away a little to preserve my sanity.

That being said, here’s the plan:

I will stop testing.  The beta will be the definitive test.

I will try to stop analyzing my BBT chart (I can’t just NOT take my temp, lol).

I will report back here with beta results as soon as I have them.  🙂

I know this is rather unlike me to back off when things get crazy, but I’ve been told a lot lately that worrying and speculation will not get me any more or less pregnant.

Thank you all for understanding, and I will be back soon!  Regardless whether the news is bad or good, I appreciate your support, cheerleading, and co-speculation!  😉

See you in a couple of days!


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Summertime Sadness

A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.