Dreams Out of Reach

I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about why exactly I am on this particular journey.

I keep going back to my, ahem, formative years; did I take birth control for too long?  Did that cervical cancer scare and subsequent LEEP procedure somehow hinder my future efforts?

Did I just plain wait too long?

Was I too prideful at the beginning?  Did I put off more aggressive treatments and waste time and resources that can’t ever be renewed?

Is it my diet?  Am I eating too many processed foods?  I microwave plastic sometimes; can that be the problem?  Maybe I grew up under some electrical lines!  Oh sweet Jesus–could my love of bacon be causing this???

Some of this reasoning is maybe more plausible than other options, and yet, these are the concerns that plague me daily.

Another school of thought is that it’s all just random selection.  This happens to millions of women, and I am just one of them.

Okay, sure.  Maybe I am.  There still needs to be a reason for it, so you’re not getting off that easily.

And then there’s the spiritual argument:  I was selected for this because God knew I could handle it.

Maybe so, but at the risk of blasphemy, sometimes I feel like he is overestimating a bit in his assessment of my strength.

I have so many questions that cannot seem to be answered, and so many dreams that seem so beyond my grasp.  Some days it’s tough to muster up the courage to face the world with all of its pregnancy announcements and Teen Mom reruns.

Some days I don’t know how I manage.

Here’s what I do know:

  • I have a fabulous marriage.  I may have married later than some of my friends, but I married well.  I knew I was joining my life forever with that of my best friend, and I knew that his family was going to be my family in every way but blood.  I knew that we would be able to withstand anything thrown our way; I just didn’t anticipate that hardship in the reproductive capacity would be something I ever had to consider.
  • I am strong.  I may have moments of weakness, but I feel that I can survive anything.  Sometimes strength comes from not having any other choice  but to keep standing.
  • I have faith.  I get discouraged like anyone, but I have a sense that this is only temporary.  Somehow, someday, I will be a mother.
  • I am realistic.  I know that this is only going to get harder the older I get, and I am fully aware that I may never give birth to a child of my own.
  • I am flexible.  I can see that getting pregnant with, carrying, and giving birth to your own flesh and blood child is easy for some women.  For others, that will never happen.  I am open to alternative situations like egg donors, surrogacy, and embryo adoption.
  • I have support.  I am lucky in that I have a supportive family, and while I still occasionally have that one aunt who tells me “You really need to stand on your head after sex!  That’s how I got pregnant!”, I know that they love me and will do whatever they can to help me along on this journey.
  • I have an outlet.  This blog–my readers, my friends, my family–this is what keeps me going.  I know that I am not alone because of the online community of others going through this exact thing.  The Infertility Veterans inspire me to keep my head up, and those still in the trenches inspire me to keep my nose to the grindstone.
  • I have the will to keep going.  For all of those reasons above, I will not give up on this dream.

While this might be a dream that is currently out of reach for me, that doesn’t mean that it will be forever.  If I keep moving forward, keep exploring every avenue to motherhood open to me, I will eventually find myself within grasp of that which I so desperately desire.

One day.

11 comments on “Dreams Out of Reach

  1. theonehandman
    July 12, 2012 at 1:45 pm #

    It is very difficult trying not to think about what has gone, but you should try. You have control over the future not the past, and it sounds like you have a lot going for you. I know how it feels. I wish you all the best


    • Tracy
      July 12, 2012 at 1:50 pm #

      Thank you. 🙂

      I think with this particular battle, it’s a constant struggle to balance between learning from the past and not dwelling on it. You are right – the future is far easier to mold than the past. Ultimately though, life is never predictable. Que sera, sera, I guess!


  2. D
    July 12, 2012 at 2:04 pm #

    Such a powerful post. You hit everything spot on though. I have the same questions as you…why me? I also try to put logical explainations on all of this, but it the end I am still left totally clueless. I am glad that you have so many positive things in your life. That is so important through all of this. I have to constantly remind myself of all the things that I do have and try to remember be greatful for them. I also wish you continued luck in all of this. I am cheering for you girl!


  3. barrentoblessed
    July 12, 2012 at 2:09 pm #

    I’ve known nearly my entire life that I would not have biological children and questioned the will of God in all of it and the purpose behind it. It is far easier to look back and say “oh I get it now” than it was to look forward in faith when I was struggling so much. Thankfully I have been blessed with the adoption of two of the most incredible (yes I’m biased) children in the world. We adopted them out of foster care and through it all I have seen God’s hand. Thank you for being bold in your posts about infertility and may the Lord bless you in this journey.


  4. cassiedash
    July 12, 2012 at 2:29 pm #

    Oh, man. I have asked myself all the same questions as I’ve gone on this journey (twice). It’s so hard to understand. But good for you for taking the time to survey all the positive things you have going for you. Maybe I need to do the same. Wishing you an endless reservoir of strength, faith, and support as you journey on…


  5. Stupid Stork
    July 12, 2012 at 4:12 pm #

    Hate those questions when they sneak in. Hate them.

    Love your attitude, my dear.


  6. Amelia
    July 12, 2012 at 5:06 pm #



  7. ahappymediumlife
    July 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm #

    Yes, these words are so true. Thanks for sharing. Your blog has made me laugh, on more than one occasion, and during these struggles, it’s liberating. Thanks again.


  8. A Morning Grouch
    July 30, 2012 at 12:48 pm #

    Don’t start second guessing what you should have done or why things are happening. You can’t do anything about it and no matter what you did/do there are no guarantees for anything. Sometimes, things are just hard and life isn’t fair. Hang in there.


    • Tracy
      July 30, 2012 at 12:51 pm #

      You’re right about that, friend. Sometimes though, it makes it easier to let go of those “what if’s” when I put them into words.

      I think blogging helps me process my own thoughts. I write because it helps me understand what my heart is thinking… 🙂


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