Month: July 2012
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Really?!

One year ago today, I charted a note about cloudy urine and some urine odor.

One year ago tomorrow, I charted about starting a course of antibiotics for a UTI.

I was on my first Femara + Ovidrel cycle then, and I started the antibiotic after I had ovulated.

Today, I noticed some cloudy urine and urine odor.  I am hoping to ovulate later this week…

I’m calling Dr. K tomorrow to see what he recommends, but jeez… this isn’t looking good.

Anyone out there have any success stories about UTIs and/or antibiotics during ovulation/the TWW?

LOL.

As you can see, I am grasping at straws here.  Just trying to cling to hope that ten days worth of shots to the belly-fat will not be for naught.

Ugh.

Tuesday, you are a bitch.

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Terrific Tuesday: Now with MORE SHOTS!

Tuesday, July 31st, 2012.  CD15.

You know that old saying about how expectations are the source of all disappointment?

Yeah.  That one.

So at this morning’s monitoring ultrasound, things sounded pretty good.

I have three decent-looking follies: a 17.5, a 15, and a 13.

My lining is 12.5, which the NP said is “freaking amazing – good enough for triplets!” (Umm… GAH!).

So when the doc called to let me know the plan, I expected him to tell me to trigger tomorrow.

Nope.

I am to continue the Menopur tonight and tomorrow night, and unless I get a positive OPK result, I am to Trigger on THURSDAY.

While I’m happy that they are letting things mature before triggering, I am not so enthused about the SHOTS.

I mean, come on.  I had to shoot up in a public bathroom at a baseball game last night.  Jeez.

Oh well.

Big girl panties are on.

Bring on the needles.

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Resolution… Of Sorts.

To follow up on the previous post, Dr. K’s office called me back.

He thinks my ultrasound scans look good, but he wants to let the follies mature for a couple more days and then take another look.

He also wants me to continue the Menopur.

Tonight was to be my last dose, but they want me to continue through Monday night, and then come in for another ultrasound on Tuesday.

No biggie.  I can deal with a few more needles, I guess.

The issue is that the insurance fiasco I had last week is back in full swing…

To call in more meds, the pharmacy needs prior authorization.  The insurance company rarely does them in one day, and even with a rush order, they may not get to it in the next two hours before they close for the weekend.

If that’s the case, Dr. K’s office will call my script into a local pharmacy and hope that they have it in stock.

And then this other Very Interesting Thing happened…

The NP at the office told me, on the down-low, that sometimes patients don’t use all of their meds in a cycle, and they donate them to the office for disposal.  The good doctor doesn’t like to throw them away in case of situations like this one…

So the NP said that if I can’t get my hands on the meds I need through insurance and/or a local pharmacy, that I am to come to their office in the morning and I will mysteriously leave with what I need.

It’s shady, and I like it.  🙂

More updates later – unless I’m busy doing 30 to life for possession of unauthorized medication!  😉

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Friday Funnies :: Oh Ryan…

You’re sweet.  Let’s run away together.  🙂

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Underwhelmed…

Friday, July 27th, 2012.  CD11.

So I just got back from my first monitoring ultrasound for my first Femara + Menopur cycle, and I must say that I am a bit disappointed.

Maybe I just don’t know what to expect from this new doctor, and from this meds protocol… Maybe some of you can help?

This is what I found out:

  • My doctor doesn’t see me for ultrasounds.  No biggie, I guess
  • No blood work is necessary, apparently.
  • I have no follies over 9 on the left, and the biggest on the right is an 11.
  • My lining was 9.5.
  • My nurse didn’t know if I would have a follow-up ultrasound or not.

I’m not thrilled, but I’m trying to placate myself with the knowledge that it’s really only CD11, and in my previous Clomid and Femara cycles, I never had 18s till CD13 or 14.

Still though.  This seems dire.

Anyone else out there been on the Femara + Menopur + Trigger protocol who cares to chime in with their experience?  I just want to know if I should assume this isn’t working and prepare myself to move on quickly…

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On Infertility and Friendship

I was married in December of 2008, in a lovely ceremony in a historic chapel, surrounded by the people I love.

Standing by my side were five bridesmaids: old friends, cherished friends, childhood friends, best friends, family.

Between those five women, they currently have eight children, and one more on the way.

I am still trying.

And it hurts that I will never catch up.

I love these girls.  They are the people with whom I’ve grown up, learned, made mistakes, got into mischief, and experienced life.  They are the people I can count on through anything.

I have known my best friend since we were six years old.  We played Barbies together, and built forts in the woods together.  We got boy-crazy together (…well, she did; I had Coke-bottle glasses until I was fifteen, so it took me a bit longer.).  We dreamed together, graduated together, went off to separate colleges, fell in love, grieved losses, and in all that time managed to keep us together.

She was married just three months before I was, and we were each other’s maids-of-honor.  We have a close relationship to this day, and I know that we always will.

Six months after her wedding, she was pregnant.  I was thrilled, and expected that I’d be right behind her on the baby train.

I wasn’t.

I’m still not.

By the time her daughter was born in January of 2010, I was ready for my time to come.  By the time another great friend’s daughter was born in August of 2010, I was ready.  By the time another beautiful bridesmaid had her third child in December of 2010, I was ready.

By the time the last two of my bridesmaids came to me with their expectant news in 2011, I was beyond ready.

I was getting bitter.  With life, with my circumstances, but not with my friends.

Infertility has definitely had an impact on some of my relationships.

It’s a tough to pinpoint when exactly, but this journey – and life in general, I think – has caused some of my friendships to fray at the edges a bit.  The cloth is still intact and capable of standing the test of time, but we occasionally need to reestablish our boundaries to keep the integrity of the relationship.

Don’t misunderstand; I love these girls, and I love these children.  They are my nieces and nephews and godchildren.  I would do anything for any of them.

It’s a confusing and difficult thing to explain to people how this grief, this process, has changed me as a person, and thus changed the dynamic of some of my closest, most important relationships.

I think a big part of the occasional tension is just general getting-older-and-on-with-our-own-lives growing pains.

We have all started our adult lives with spouses and significant others, and moved to all corners of the state.  We all have jobs, and lives, and families, and in-laws, and vacations, and chores, and bills, and other relationships to manage.

Within all of that chaos, there are children.

For them.

Children take time, and effort, and pretty much every minute of your entire life from the time they are conceived.  I get that.  I get that my friends would have less time to talk to me about my life, let alone my sad and pathetic infertility, let alone manage any other friendships, because they have their own families to attend.

And this is where it gets hard, and a little depressing, to define:  Sometimes it feels like we don’t have anything in common any more, aside from the fact that we have history.

I know this isn’t entirely true.  These girls care about me.  I care about them.  We will always have bonds that transcend whatever life throws our way.

Our struggles bring us together and make us stronger.  …Even if they are hard to understand and relate to on occasion.

There has been more than one instance where I’ve had to back out of plans because of blood work/ultrasounds/insemination/other infertility drama, and it’s never easy to explain.

I know that I only feel that way because infertility has become so much of my daily life; I try not to let it define me, but there are some days that I feel like just that:  an Infertile.

And nothing else.

Yes, they all know what is going on with me, and they all understand.

Well…  In a way, they understand.

In the way that they want the best for me, and hope and pray that I will get what they all have, but not in a way where they’ve been through this.  Not in a way where they’ve known this kind of desperation, or loss, or grief, or all-encompassing, nauseating sadness.

…Not in a way that I would ever want any of them to know firsthand.

Now, on the flip side, I have other relationships that have been formed, renewed and strengthened due entirely to this infertility journey.

In that way, I feel fortunate.  I am able to relate to a whole new group of people, and I am able to share what I am going through with others who may not understand.

I can bring some enlightenment to the Fertile masses by sharing my story, and that’s something special, I think.

I have grown apart from some, and closer to others.

Wax and wane.

Sunshine and rain.

Life goes on, and we all go on with it.

I am thankful for the great friendships I have, and am thankful for all that they have endured.  I know that they will survive through this trial, and probably through many others as the years go by.

I may never be able to properly explain the impact infertility has had on my friendships.  I only hope that I can continue to count on this core group of ladies to support me in this, and guide me in whatever form of motherhood comes my way in the future.

Because it will.

And I will need them even more when it does.

Originally posted on Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen…:
I used to be funnier. I used to be happy.  All the time.  I was one of those… I used to laugh and smile and joke. I used to skip and jump in puddles and stop to smell the flowers. I used to be sweet.…

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The Odd Life of Timothy Green

Has anyone else seen this trailer?

…I sobbed.

Only a little though.

Jeez, Disney – what are you doing, trying to pull a Nicholas Sparks?

Gah.

I want to see it, and then again maybe I don’t.

Maybe in private.

With wine.

Yes.  Definitely wine.

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On the Second Day of Menopur…

Tuesday, July 24th, 2012.  CD8.

…I think I injected a tiny air bubble into my belly, and now have a golf-ball-sized knot on my abdomen.

Waaaaah.

I did so well yesterday!

But today?

Today, I seem to have misplaced my big-girl panties.

Ugh.

I am also exhausted.  Is this a normal side-effect?  And the dizziness… Oy!  I’m dizzy even when I’m sitting!

Not.  Fun.

Just a few more days, though.  I can do this!

In other news, the husband and I found out today that we are getting another nephew in December, and friends of ours are expecting twins in the spring!  Hooray for babies!

…Hopefully someday someone will cheer for me like that, lol.

I told a friend today, if I get pregnant, I am not only throwing myself a freaking parade, I am also going to gold-plate that pee-stick and wear it around my neck like Flava Flav.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah boyyyyyyyyyyeeeee!

If any of you are stopping by from ICLW – welcome!

I don’t always complain so much, lol.

…Okay, sometimes I do.  😉

Let’s be honest though, this whole infertility thing can inspire some monumental reasons to bitch.  Let’s all do it together!  🙂

Happy Tuesday, friends!  May your bellies be filled with babies and not fertility medications!

 

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Noun vs. Verb vs. Bacon

Just for fun.  🙂

 

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